When the joy of others is painful...

This could also be titled, excessively long, as "When the joy of others is painful, and the trials of others seem small".

This morning I woke up angry and bitter, and cranky because of it.  A few days ago I came across a mother's joyful statement on Facebook, celebrating her 2 year old proclaiming, "I love you Mommy!".  She was right to celebrate, and at the time I smiled because I could imagine how lovely it must have been.  And then envy and bitterness started slowly creeping into my heart.  It didn't happen right away.  The post stuck with me over the course of the week and slowly began to turn into a source of bitterness, culminating this morning when I woke up angry, selfishly so.  I don't know when I will be greeted with such a beautiful phrase voluntarily coming from my children's mouth.

Adding to this was another comment about a mother getting stares for something that is really a fantastic and helpful part of parenting for some: babywearing.  I love babywearing, and I've gotten my own stares, my own offers of help, and I just smile because I can only imagine what they are thinking.  I don't think this post was at all anything other than amusement over the situation, but I couldn't help thinking, "Yes, well the stares I get because my 3 year old is screaming and kicking, hitting my face, and thrashing about in my arms because he doesn't want to leave are worse.  You don't know the meaning of being gawked at."  My thoughts were not kind, they were angry and bitter and selfish, and completely misplaced since she wasn't even complaining.

I am thankful for my son, and my daughter.  What they do or don't say, or how they act, doesn't change how much I love them and thank God for them every day.  However, jealousy for what I don't have creeps in from time to time.  I can only imagine what it is like to have your toddler, upon seeing you in the morning, say "I love you Mommy!", and I only wish that the stares I get in public are from simply wearing my children in a carrier.  I wish my children were constantly asking "Why?", "What's that?", or saying "Mama, mama, mama!".

One of the verses I cling to is Romans 8:25 (NIV),

"But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently." 

And pray for it constantly.

I also thought of this verse as I was coming out of my pouty crankiness this morning, Romans 12:15 (ESV),

"Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep."

It is right for me to rejoice in the celebrations of others.  It is also right for me to remember those whose trials are far more than my own, and different, but still deep trials.  (Right now, the depth of my selfishness is horrifying.)

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 (NASB) admonishes me to

 "Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

When left to my own thoughts, selfish ones at that, I become full of self-pity.  I begin to think, "God has given me too much." and "I can't handle this, I am not strong enough."  Jealousy towards other moms who aren't dealing with what I am dealing with begins to fill my heart and a scowl makes my face look cross and ugly.  This past week I have felt the weight of expectations and obligations, and they have seemed insurmountable.  I don't want to be this strong and so I refrained from seeking comfort and strength from God.  The things I face, however, are not going to go away simply because I want life to be easier, and so this morning I stopped being stubborn and turned to God's word for encouragement.

Psalms is always a great place to find honest truth about weariness and despondency and gives me words I can pray.  Psalms 119: 25-28 (NASB) says,

"My soul cleaves to the dust;

Revive me according to Your word.

I have told of my ways, and You have answered me;

Teach me Your Statutes.

Make me understand the way of Your precepts,

So I will meditate on Your wonders.

My soul weeps because of grief;

Strengthen me according to Your word."

 And so many other verses about God infusing us with strength when we are weak have encouraged me this morning.  Here's a list of them, in case you too are feeling downtrodden and need encouragement:

Psalm 22:19
Psalm 28:6-8
Psalm 46:1-3
Isaiah 33:2
Isaiah 40:27-31
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
Philippians 4:13

Life still looms over me like a dark and terrifying cloud, but I cling to hope and the strength of God this morning.

Into His Eyes

Today was a particularly rough day.  Transitions do not come easily for Oliver, and having no control over what is happening makes it 100 times worse for him.  We had a morning that required fast transitions, and Oliver had no control over what we were doing and when we were leaving a location (leaving is the hardest for him).  The morning ended in tears all around, and a heartbroken Mama.

Despite the rough day, or perhaps because of it, this song (shared on a Facebook group I'm in) had me crying so hard.


When Oliver looks at me, looks me in my eyes, it's as if I'm able to see inside to his soul.  I can see that little boy that is trapped by delayed speech, an inability to express himself, and an inability to understand his himself and others as fully as he would like.

This one snapshot of a glance my way says more than any words he could speak.  I look at this picture and I know he loves deeply.  I know he feels deeply.  I know if he could speak, beautiful child-wise words would emerge, but it doesn't matter because I can see it all in this one glance.  Wordless joy.

His actions, though subtle in comparison to his behavior during a burst of extreme emotion, also let me glimpse at his spirit.  The little kisses, and armless hugs, and sweet tackles, and other little surprise moments are what keep me strong and gentle and resolved in the midst of his attacks fraught with deep and uncontrollable emotion.  (I have my moments too, moments where I do not respond with a gentle voice and I deeply regret that.  I am not perfect, though I would like to be.)

The above picture is a sweet image to many, but for me it brings tears of knowledge.  The hug he is giving to the stone child is full of as much love and tenderness as the hugs he gives to Andrew, Wynter, and I.  This is a picture of a child who loves so beautifully, and has so much grace... I would not trade that for anything in the whole world!

I love this little boy so very, very much.

Wynter

Lately most of my posts have been about Oliver, and I think that gives the impression that home life is all about Oliver too, but it's not.  At the very beginning of even thinking about Autism as a diagnosis I read a lot about siblings as well.  It became clear that siblings who develop typically (i.e. do not have Autism) often feel left out, or neglected in a way, and I knew from the beginning that I did not want Wynter to ever feel like that.  In some ways Oliver does get more attention just from the simple fact that he has therapy and doctor appointments that are centered on him, but at home I try to ensure that Wynter is included in my interactions with Oliver when appropriate and receives some one on one attention from me daily.

Wynter is 18 months, almost 19 months, and the next 5 months are going to pass so quickly!  I can't believe that she'll be 2 years old so soon, in a way it feels like just yesterday that she was a tiny newborn.  Things are going pretty smoothly with her, and that leaves me with not much to say.  When things are going well it seems as if there's nothing to talk about, and isn't that a sad predicament?  For the most part her development is progressing as it should be, we're just a tad concerned about her speech and she's been evaluated by Early Intervention for that.  We're waiting to hear the results.

Yesterday she signed "water", and she already signs "please".  It's so cute to watch her catch on to signing like that!  I know that technically you can begin to teach signs as early as 6 months, but neither of my kids were happy with me trying to physically help them make the sign.  Wynter's current age seems to be the perfect time for her to learn signs as she can copy my movements on her own and she catches on pretty quickly.

***

I got pulled away from this post by children, and during the time away I received a phone call from Early Intervention regarding the results of Wynter's evaluations.  According to AzEIP Wynter is only mildly delayed in speech, but not enough to receive services (they require a 50% delay to qualify).  She's doing fantastically in all other areas, and our AzEIP representative said that she's "off the charts" in cognitive ability.  That means she's very smart, and that sets her up for awesome learning capability.

I've learned a lot about teaching speech to children through Oliver's therapy sessions and so I'll do my best to use those with Wynter on my own.  If she doesn't progress (which I believe she already is) we can resubmit a referral in 6 months for another evaluation.  I would like to be able to increase her expressive language on my own enough that we no longer feel that she's behind at all.

She might also be getting ready for potty training.  She hates when her diaper is wet and will try taking it off (sometimes she's successful), so we need to teach her the word "potty" and show her how to sit on the baby potty that we have.  I think she's also almost ready for toddler bed.  She's growing up way too fast for me!

                                                                             

Attachment Parenting and a New Project!

I've started a new project with a friend and have been reluctant to share it here simply because of what we named it: AP Momtography.  AP stands for Attachment Parenting. Attachment Parenting often comes with a stigma of elite-ism when viewed from the outside, and I certainly don't want to come across at an elitist.  In my mind, attachment parenting is doing what is best for your babies and your family.  That won't look the same for each family, so where does the stigma of elite-ism come from?

I think that all parents, with all different styles of parenting, have a tendency to believe that their way is best.  Maybe it comes from telling ourselves that what we are doing as parents is best for us and our kids, or maybe it's just the desire to be "right".  Either way, we end up judging parents who aren't doing things the way we think they should.  We might not even realize we're doing it until someone else does it to us.  I try very hard to not be judgmental, but I am guilty of it (and definitely not proud of it).

So, what is Attachment Parenting to me?  This is a question I've been asking myself a lot since starting this new project.  There are some big names attached to this style of parenting.  Dr. Sears, who I love, is one of them.  He has a whole section dedicated to AP on his website.  There are certain parenting choices that make up AP, but in my eyes these aren't necessarily the essence of this style. I like that Dr. Sears points out that AP is an approach to parenting, and that it's simply a place to start.  You don't have to breastfeed, babywear, and co-sleep to be an attachment parent.  It's more about bonding with your children, the relationship between parent and child.  In our home it's also about maintaining a good marriage because a good marriage, a good relationship between me and my husband, is something that will stick with our children the rest of their lives and it sets the tone for our family dynamic.

I don't normally associate this label with myself openly because there can be a lof of disdain for it, and a lot of assumptions about my parenting and I'd rather my parenting style just speaks for itself.  I believe I have a good relationship with my husband and my kids.  I try to build these relationships up every day.  Some days I fail.  Other days I succeed.  I am not perfect, and I think I try to keep that the main focus.  I am not a perfect parent, but I am a parent who loves her children and always desires and strives to demonstrate that love for them in many different ways.

On that note, I welcome you to join me over at AP Momtography, if only for the lovely photographs we are posting!