Consider my groaning...

 Give ear to my words, O LORD,
Consider my groaning.
Heed the sound of my cry for help, my King and my God,
For to You I pray. 

Psalm 5: 1-2

Normally I put a verse at the end of a post, but this time the verse is word for word the cry of my heart, the groaning of my soul.  

 

Yesterday was a difficult day for me.  I have been in a lot of pain for the past few days, since Sunday evening actually.  There hasn't been much relief, if any.  It's hard to describe what I'm going through right now, but because the ligaments are too loose and soft in the area of my pubic joint (did you know that was a joint?  I sure didn't!) I experience almost consistent pain with any movement.  Sitting brings the most relief, but I cannot sit on the couch all day, I have a son to care for. 

 

So, back to yesterday, I was in a lot of pain, and poor Oliver is teething and he deals with that by either being cranky and needy, or by being obnoxious and difficult.  Yesterday he decided to be obnoxious and difficult.  Both of us had a bad day as far as moods go.  He was into everything and not listening to me at all, and I was frustrated both with him and with my own pain.  I lost my patience several times.

Last night, after Oliver was sound asleep, and about the time I should have been falling asleep too, I burst into tears.  This was my desperate prayer:

God, please forgive me for not being the mother to Oliver today that I should have been.  I am so tired of this pain.  I miss being able to play with my son, chase him, and tickle him, and wrestle with him.  I miss making him laugh and smile.  There isn't much I can do with him right now, it's even hard for me to walk to the kitchen and make him breakfast or lunch or dinner or snacks.  I beg You, God, I beg You to send me into labor, to end this pain.  I love my son so much, but I feel like it's so hard to show him this right now.  Please, either help me to work through this pain, or send me into labor so that I can get back to playing with Oliver like I used to.

I begged, cried, and sobbed, until there were no words left to say.  I repeated several times my earnest desire for this pregnancy to be over so that I could go back to being Oliver's mommy the way I had been.  I expressed my love for both my children, but my grief over what Oliver is missing from me right now.  I begged for labor so I could begin to heal, and I also said that if it wasn't time for Wynter to be born that God would either take away the pain, or help me find ways to show Oliver how much I love him in new ways.

I have not begun labor, and the pain has actually gotten worse, so for today I shall find ways to shower Oliver with love that do not involve me moving much, and I pray it is enough.