A 2 1/2 year old who barely talks

I wanted to talk a little more about Oliver's speech delay.  He'll be 2 1/2 this next month and his vocabulary consists of "no", "Daddy", "hey", "yay!", and occaisionally "Mom" or "Mama".  All of these words have been showing up within the last 2-3 weeks.  Until recently anything that ever sounded like a word was more of a spontaneous utterance.

When Oliver was 15 months old the doctor who performed his well-check voiced her concern that he hadn't yet developed a consistent vocabulary.  At that time we were focusing more on the fact that he would spontaneously say some things that definitely sounded like words.  We had no idea of how often and how clear his words should be at his age.  I often wondered if I simply couldn't interpret his babbling.  Perhaps he was actually saying words and I just didn't understand him.  Both Andrew and I were convinced that Oliver would talk when he was ready, and it would be only a matter of months before he began spouting words left and right.

At Oliver's 18 month check up we had a new doctor.  I very much respect and admire and love this doctor, and am thankful that we found him.  However, at this point I began to waver in my certainty that Oliver would begin talking soon.  When asked about the words he says we couldn't come up with anything consistent other than that we thought he said "please" fairly often, and a little before this appointment he'd said "thank you Daddy" loud and clear at the park.  So Oliver's doctor assured us that Oliver was just a shy talker and soon he would be talking so much we'd wish he wasn't.  I was not convinced, but I had nothing to go on other than my own instinct, which I myself doubted since everyone else seemed so sure.  And I had certainly been saying exactly what I was now hearing just a few months ago.

Oliver turned 2 in May, and still was not talking.  We were sent to a speech pathologist for evaluation, finally.  The final report showed a few delays, with a severe delay in expressive speech.  At just over 2 years old his expressive speech was at the level of a 6-9 month old baby!  I was shocked.  I knew he was delayed, but I'd had no idea it was that much!

The next step was to have his hearing checked.  About 2 months after his speech eval Oliver and I sat in a sound proofed room while his response to noise was examined.  He responded very well and we came away from that with more questions, and an answer we'd already known.  Oliver hears just fine.  So what is preventing his speech development?

We still don't have any answer other than that nothing is causing it, it just is.  I've struggled a lot with that.  It doesn't make any sense to me.  If there is nothing preventing him from learning to talk then why isn't he? I've also struggled with guilt, wondering if there was something I did or didn't do to cause this.  It's also been a source of deep sadness for me, and I've wondered if I should feel sad over it or not.

I've been able to deal with the guilt, which I think is just a part of being a parent.  If something goes wrong we wonder what we did or didn't do to cause it.  I'm dealing with acceptance right now.  I'm not convinced that there is no known cause for his speech delay.  There are other signs that point toward the possibility of something else, but we haven't addressed those things with his doctor yet, and there's every possibility that these other signs are not related to his speech or each other and are no cause for concern.  We'll see.

As for feeling sad, and I feel strongly about this, I've concluded that it's okay.  I am not disappointed that he's not "normal".  I am do not think he's stupid, or less intelligent because for some reason he's having trouble learning to talk.  I have been sad because this has felt overwhelming, and I want so badly to understand what he's trying to say to me.  I want to have conversations with him where I'm not making up responses to his babbling.  I want him to back talk to me.  I want to argue with him.  I want him to express his frustration, or anger, or hurt with words that I can understand.  I don't think anyone would understand this until they've been through it.  Of course I'll teach him not to back talk, to argue respectfully, to listen and obey authority, and the appropriate ways to express himself, but for now I'd be happy if he would scream "I don't want to!", or "Give it to me!", or "No Mommy!"  But even with the progress he has made recently, that seems a ways off.  So yes, I am saddened by our limited communication.

However, let me end on a hopeful note.  Though at the beginning I was overwhelmed and frustrated, confused and uncertain, I am becoming excited and hopeful.  It has taken me time, but I've found ways to try and help Oliver.  We're learning sign language together, and he can sign "eat", "please", "more", "drink", and "Daddy", and we continue to teach him new signs every day while encouraging the regular use of the ones he's already learned.  I've come up with creative and fun ways to encourage the discovery of sounds and words, and I continue to search for new ideas or improvements on old ideas.  I have to remind myself that no response to my teaching attempts does not mean a step back, or that the method is not working so I don't get discouraged when he'd rather just listen to me and doesn't join in the activity I've prepared.  No response means that we are still where we were yesterday.  No response to a new idea means that it might take time, days, or weeks.  I have to be patient and take the victories as they come, while not being discouraged on the days when they don't.  It's hard work, but it's worth it.  He is worth it.

(I want to note that he is not currently in speech therapy.  It has been advised and we have two options that we are pursuing, but it is taking time and is not as easy as I think it should be.  In the mean time I am working hard to work with him to the best of my ability.)