Weariness

The past 2+ weeks have been wearisome.  They've been trying and physically tiring, but more than that they've been wearing.  The weekdays are difficult for sure, but the weekends are worse.  We, Andrew and I, expect the weekends to be a time of getting things done, spending time together, and relaxing.  Instead our weekend days blur into one seemingly short day filled with each of us taking turns sleeping, or caring for one kid or the other, cooking or cleaning, etc.  We spend our weekends working side by side instead of enjoying one another face to face ("side by side" and "face to face" are concepts I grabbed from Real Marriage by Mark and Grace Driscoll).  This wears on me, and on our relationship.

I find that the lack of face to face time for Andrew and I, as well as the stress that outside situations put on me, have drained me of joy in every day life.  Yesterday I was inconsolably sad.  Andrew always feels helpless and frustrated when I am sad and he can't figure out why or figure out how to make me happy.  I told him that between Oliver being sick, and Wynter being extraordinarily fussy, and us not having any time alone together, I feel drained.  I said that I am not enjoying Wynter like I want to because it seems as though the only time I get with her is when I'm feeding her or she's fussing, and the same with Oliver.  I told him that I am not enjoying our children, and since we have very little time together I have almost no opportunities to enjoy him, and there is very little in life that I am finding any joy in.

The man declares, I am weary, O God; I am weary, O God, and worn out.

Proverbs 30:1

That could be words directly from my own mouth right now.  I am weary and worn out, completely drained.

I am just struggling along some days.

Today I was just blasted with messages from God.  One of them spoke to this exactly and was so encouraging.  I went over to the girltalk blog with the purpose of looking at the store section.  There are some wall hangings I'd like to get... two actually.  Instead I noticed a new blog post entitled "When Life is Hard" written by Carolyn Mahaney.  Well, life is hard for me right now so I was interested in what she had to say. WOW.  I pretty much was speechless for a long time. I read it more than once, maybe 3 or 4 times.  I went and read the scriptures quoted.  I was in awe of how perfectly every word seemed like God talking directly to me.  And I walked away with the reminder that though life is hard right now I have hope in Christ, hope for a better future, even if that isn't until I get to heaven.  And honestly my struggles are nothing compared to some, but they are struggles.  I needed them to be acknowledged as reality and then given hope and that is exactly what God did through Carolyn's blog post.  I encourage you to go read it.  Then bookmark it for when you need it, because you will need that reminder.

I am weary, but I have a hope that carries me on.