Yeah, I can look a lot like this (minus the megaphone):
It's embarrassing, shameful, and I hate myself directly after acting out in anger toward my baby boy. I do always say I'm sorry and that I love him and that it was so very wrong of mommy to get angry like that. Then I'll hug him and kiss him and be sure he feels my love and doesn't just hear it. Sometimes, and I should do this every time, I'll say a quick, simple prayer with him confessing my sin and asking God's forgiveness, as well as asking God to help mommy in the future with her anger.
I'm not going to lie, confessing this openly is so hard. I don't like to admit how awful I can be. The great thing is that God is working in my life, showing me my sin and helping me to change and grow. My goal in admitting my problems with anger is to show other moms that struggle with the same thing that they are not alone and also that they don't need to continue on as they are. We have hope because we can turn to God, give up our anger and the issues that are causing the anger (for me it's about control and selfishness) to Him, and allow Him to transform us into His image.
There is a blog I recently started reading called Femina. I greatly recommend it. One of the authors, Rebekah, wrote a blog post about mothers and anger and all the sin surrounding anger. Something she said was, "the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God". That really hit me. All of my anger and yelling and screaming and whatever else isn't going to show Oliver (or Wynter for that matter) the grace of God, nor is it going to produce anything but obedience out of fear. Nothing good comes from that kind of anger. Nothing.
There was a follow up post about where the anger comes from by Nancy that also hit home. Nancy is blunt but speaks the truth. She writes, "Now how can a sweet Christian woman get angry and say “evil” things to her children? Does that mean she has “evil” in her heart? Unfortunately, that’s what it means. We all have evil in our hearts. No one is good. So we all need gospel grace day in and day out.". She's 100% correct. The awful anger and hateful things I say come from evil in my heart and because of this I do need "gospel grace" every day. She goes on to give practical ways to prevent situations that consistently cause mothers to sin with anger.
So, if you are a mom and you struggle with anger (well even if you aren't a mom and you struggle with anger) then know that this sin is not something only you deal with, and know that God's grace covers it, and God can and will transform your heart. Once we recognize the sin we can begin to address the sin and, by the grace of God, we can change. By the grace of God I can change and begin to demonstrate God's love and grace instead of my sinful heart.
I LOVE the Femina blog and have been reading it (sporadically) for a few years now. I'm really glad the Lord is using it in your life to convict, renew, repair, and bring life. I will have to take time to read those posts when I get some time. I too, struggle with anger, bitterness, and frustration, although I can really thank the Lord for fruit He has brought in my life over the past few years. People say God uses marriage to convict, hone, pare out, and sharpen, which is certainly true, but I think it's possible even MORE true of having children. There are a whole host of sins in my life that I was hitherto pretty unaware of before having my children that are now a part of my daily prayers. Just yesterday I snapped at Lyddie for wetting her pants for the second time(she's potty trained enough to know better, I'd never have gotten that irritated if we were just starting I think) but she burst into tears and I felt so bad because I knew I was disciplining out of my own anger instead of a desire for her growth and training in grace and righteousness. But I love what you said about asking forgiveness and even praying for forgiveness. I have found that to be so important to do with and in front of my children because THAT is the real training in righteousness, the gospel itself - not for us to hide our sin and try to make them think we are perfect but to learn that God loves the humble in heart, and turns to hear us when we are contrite. That even mommies and daddies (especially mommies and daddys? haha) need His grace and forgiveness and that is the right response to our sin. It's what made David different from Saul, that God convicted him and he listened and turned toward grace. Praying this mornign for you to have strength to always ask forgiveness, for deliverance from temptation and evil.
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