1, 2, 3...

I have so much I want to say, but I can't seem to put my thoughts together well right now.  I've started and deleted 3 different blog posts already.  It's currently one of those rare times that both of my children are sleeping, and I really wanted to blog, but apparently my brain doesn't want to cooperate.  Maybe if I just do a brief rundown of what I've been trying to say I'll be able to get some of my thoughts down.  I can always expand on it later.

1) Identity.  I don't know if I struggle with this more or less than others, but it's been a struggle all my life.  I'm always worried with fitting in somewhere, or being a certain kind of person (or mother, or wife), and it often takes deliberate thought for me to determine honestly who I am.  I am not defined by how many kids I have, or by breastfeeding, or babywearing, or my choice of parenting style.  I am not defined by the clothes I wear, or how I style my hair.  I am not defined by the books I read, or the movies I watch, or the music I listen to.  I am defined by Christ, and all those other facets of who I am are defined by that. 

I parent the way I do because of who I am in Christ.
I wear the clothes I wear because of who I am in Christ.
I read the books I read, watch the movies I watch, and listen to the music I listen to because of who I am in Christ.

When I remember that, then I feel confident.  When I forget, I begin to question everything and worry that I do not fit where I want to fit.

2)  Advice to mothers. Life changes after every baby.  I know people who have said it, and I know I have said it, but life doesn't go back to normal after a new baby.  Life changes and a new normal has to be formed, or you will drive yourself crazy trying to live as if life hasn't changed at all.  I've had to let go.  There's really no better way to put it.  I've tried to hold onto certain things, structure, schedules, order, and all it does is stress me out.  I've learned that it's better to let a new normal form, than to try and hold onto any previous normal.  It takes time to figure out the new normal, but it's much less stressful.  Life with little children works a lot better when I just let go.

This is my new normal: A constantly messy house in one place or another, it is never all clean at once.  Dinner is simpler, quicker, and later.  Errands are best done early in the day, and should be condensed as much as possible.  Wynter will sleep when she wants, scheduling naps can come later.  My level of patience is directly linked to whether or not I've let go of expectations or not.  Caffeine in some form is a necessity.

3) Children will teach you just how selfish you are.  They need everything from you, demand everything from you, and more.  I can't count how many times I've sat down and literally said, "I have nothing left to give, you took it all already."  Thank the Lord He is able to provide when that happens so I can keep giving, because even if I have nothing left to give the children will keep taking.