Showing posts with label motherhood. Show all posts
Showing posts with label motherhood. Show all posts
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Dear Mom,
In honor of Mother's Day I really want you to know how much I appreciate you. Growing up, and I think most kids do this, we think of all the ways our parents could do things better. We fight against the boundaries that you put up, and find ways to sneak behind your back to do those things you've told us not to do. We think you are just being controlling or mean, but you are trying to protect us and teach us. We don't see that as kids. Even into adulthood, we don't really appreciate all the work you've put into raising us.
Now that I am a mother myself I am beginning to understand these things, and I think fully appreciate you as my mother. I think there are many kids who grow up and decide they want to be a much different kind of parent than their own parents were, but when it comes to you and the choices you made in raising me, I would be honored to be as good of a parent as you have been for me.
I appreciate that you gave me freedom to make my own way in life, yet also gave me boundaries to guide me and help me in making those choices.
I appreciate that you taught me to love God both in your words and your actions.
I appreciate that you taught me how to clean, sew, bake, cook, care for children, and so many other things that I am utilizing every day.
I appreciate that you taught me that there are consequences when rules are broken, and that sometimes we need to follow a rule even if we don't like it.
You taught me to be selfless, kind, grateful, patient, and loving.
You taught me how to be a Godly woman, and mother.
I know now that everything you did was your best attempt at raising me to be those things, and your best was amazing. I've been so blessed to have you as my mother.
I love you Mom!
Thursday, April 26, 2012
My Parenting Decisions: The Dreaded Cry It Out Debate
Preface (yes, I am prefacing a blog post, go with it)
Before I jump into our personal stance and practices as far as sleep training, or Cry It Out, I want to take a moment to talk about labels, judgment, and support.
Before I became a mother I was totally unaware of label's like "attachment parenting", "lactivist", "intactivist", "crunchy"-- and now that I'm writing this out I wonder where the labels are for non-attachment parenting people, or non-crunchy mom's/parents/people, huh? Sometimes labels are good. They help us to find like-minded people, or use one word to convey a plethora of things or values. However, labels can also be bad. They can separate people, pit people against each other, and most often, when it comes to parenting labels, it seems that they separate and divide. We are parents, we all struggle with parenting choices, and I do believe that most of us are trying to make good choices for our children. We ought to be supporting each other, not fighting each other.
There is so much judgment between parents regarding their decisions. I have seen breastfeeding mothers attack and be attacked, co-sleeping parents attack and get attacked, and, as we are about to discuss, CIO (cry it out) supporters attack and get attacked. Because of such volatile responses it can be hard to talk about where we stand and why. It is definitely hard for me to share my own journeys because I want to be understood, not frowned upon, judged, or even labeled. But I think people need to be open about things because there are so many others out there that have doubts or questions or fears, but feel unable to talk about them for fear of being judged. So that is why I am sharing about our experience with CIO. I hope I am not judged, I hope I reach people who can identify with my struggles and are encouraged by my words, but if I am judged and do not reach anyone I will keep on sharing because someday my own children may ask about my decisions and I want to be able to tell them (I have an awful memory), and maybe someday I will reach someone who needed to read another's experience.
Cry It Out
As a new parent, this was new idea. Before Oliver was born I'd had no idea that there was such a thing as the Cry It Out sleep training method. All the experience I had with putting babies to sleep was with older babies who were either bottle-fed, or rocked and cuddled to sleep. I'd had no concept before that someone might leave a baby, in a crib, to cry themselves to sleep. That is a harsh way of putting it, but this is how I saw it then, and how I still see it now, at its very worst. This is what I experienced. What I hated, dreaded, but had been convinced was the best for all involved.
Some say that though it is hard at first, it gets easier, but that wasn't the case for me. It was hard all the time, and I mean HARD. I hated myself for it, and I often displaced my anger onto Andrew when he insisted that we stick with our choice. Looking back on that time, and writing about it now it seems like a no-brainer, if we hated it so much then why did we continue with it? The truth is that we were brand new parents. We barely knew anyone else our age, that were parents too. We were sleep deprived, confused, and searching for answers on how to be the best parents we could be. So, instead of going with our instinct, we went with the advice we were given.
Let me take a moment here to reiterate that I am not here to bash the CIO method, nor the parents who recommended it to us, nor anyone who uses it. I am simply sharing our feelings, our decisions, and the reasons behind them.
I do not know if the CIO recommendation came from the Ferber version, or the Babywise version, or another CIO plan, or a mixture of different ones. I do know that we started CIO shortly after it was suggested, and Oliver was between 2 and 3 months old. I know that the Ferber method has it starting at 6 months or later, and Babywise (to my knowledge) starts almost from the moment they are born. Honestly, it doesn't matter where the advice originated because we followed it, wherever it came from, and it did work eventually, but we did hate every moment of it.
I remember the inner turmoil that I felt as I listened to Oliver cry. Sometimes, I'd be counting down the minutes until I could go to him (we started at 1 minute of crying, and after several days were up to 30 minutes of crying). When the time was up I would rush out to his crib and pick him up and hold him and with every part of my being I would shower him with love. Then we had to start all over again. Again, we believed we were doing the right thing for our son. The truth is that often, as parents, we do have to make the hard choices and do things that our children don't like. We simply thought this was one of those things.
By now I'm sure you know where we stand on the cry it out sleep method for babies. It's pretty clear we didn't like it then and don't like it now. Obviously we don't and won't be using it for Wynter or any other future children. Wynter sleeps very well for a 4 month old, and when she does wake at night I simply nurse her back to sleep. I see nothing wrong with that, it works well for our situation and our family and I adore cuddling her in bed with me (most of the time).
However, though I personally don't like the CIO method, I do understand that there can be a time and a place for it. I also believe it can be done in a healthy way, and that there are many ways to do it incorrectly. If anyone decides that CIO is something they do need to do, then please research it. Be open minded so that you can make an informed decision on how to go about it. Please don't just research the different kinds of CIO methods and how they work, but also the impact that they can have on a baby medically speaking.
Before I end this topic, let me share some resources and facts with you.
The case against:
Personally, I think that the Ferber method is the best, with changes. The most important thing to me is that the recommendation by Ferber, not to start CIO until after 6 months old is taken seriously.
I want to end by saying that I sincerely hope no one is offended by what I've said. If you are reading this, and using CIO please know I'm not judging you. I am certain you have carefully thought about it and for reasons I do not know have decided it is best for you, your baby, and your family. If you are just doing it because that's what you thought you were supposed to do, I encourage you to go read for yourself the different opinions and research on babies and sleep (both for and against CIO).
Again, as someone who has been there, no judgment here, just a desire to help.
Before I jump into our personal stance and practices as far as sleep training, or Cry It Out, I want to take a moment to talk about labels, judgment, and support.
Before I became a mother I was totally unaware of label's like "attachment parenting", "lactivist", "intactivist", "crunchy"-- and now that I'm writing this out I wonder where the labels are for non-attachment parenting people, or non-crunchy mom's/parents/people, huh? Sometimes labels are good. They help us to find like-minded people, or use one word to convey a plethora of things or values. However, labels can also be bad. They can separate people, pit people against each other, and most often, when it comes to parenting labels, it seems that they separate and divide. We are parents, we all struggle with parenting choices, and I do believe that most of us are trying to make good choices for our children. We ought to be supporting each other, not fighting each other.
There is so much judgment between parents regarding their decisions. I have seen breastfeeding mothers attack and be attacked, co-sleeping parents attack and get attacked, and, as we are about to discuss, CIO (cry it out) supporters attack and get attacked. Because of such volatile responses it can be hard to talk about where we stand and why. It is definitely hard for me to share my own journeys because I want to be understood, not frowned upon, judged, or even labeled. But I think people need to be open about things because there are so many others out there that have doubts or questions or fears, but feel unable to talk about them for fear of being judged. So that is why I am sharing about our experience with CIO. I hope I am not judged, I hope I reach people who can identify with my struggles and are encouraged by my words, but if I am judged and do not reach anyone I will keep on sharing because someday my own children may ask about my decisions and I want to be able to tell them (I have an awful memory), and maybe someday I will reach someone who needed to read another's experience.
Cry It Out
As a new parent, this was new idea. Before Oliver was born I'd had no idea that there was such a thing as the Cry It Out sleep training method. All the experience I had with putting babies to sleep was with older babies who were either bottle-fed, or rocked and cuddled to sleep. I'd had no concept before that someone might leave a baby, in a crib, to cry themselves to sleep. That is a harsh way of putting it, but this is how I saw it then, and how I still see it now, at its very worst. This is what I experienced. What I hated, dreaded, but had been convinced was the best for all involved.
Some say that though it is hard at first, it gets easier, but that wasn't the case for me. It was hard all the time, and I mean HARD. I hated myself for it, and I often displaced my anger onto Andrew when he insisted that we stick with our choice. Looking back on that time, and writing about it now it seems like a no-brainer, if we hated it so much then why did we continue with it? The truth is that we were brand new parents. We barely knew anyone else our age, that were parents too. We were sleep deprived, confused, and searching for answers on how to be the best parents we could be. So, instead of going with our instinct, we went with the advice we were given.
Let me take a moment here to reiterate that I am not here to bash the CIO method, nor the parents who recommended it to us, nor anyone who uses it. I am simply sharing our feelings, our decisions, and the reasons behind them.
I do not know if the CIO recommendation came from the Ferber version, or the Babywise version, or another CIO plan, or a mixture of different ones. I do know that we started CIO shortly after it was suggested, and Oliver was between 2 and 3 months old. I know that the Ferber method has it starting at 6 months or later, and Babywise (to my knowledge) starts almost from the moment they are born. Honestly, it doesn't matter where the advice originated because we followed it, wherever it came from, and it did work eventually, but we did hate every moment of it.
I remember the inner turmoil that I felt as I listened to Oliver cry. Sometimes, I'd be counting down the minutes until I could go to him (we started at 1 minute of crying, and after several days were up to 30 minutes of crying). When the time was up I would rush out to his crib and pick him up and hold him and with every part of my being I would shower him with love. Then we had to start all over again. Again, we believed we were doing the right thing for our son. The truth is that often, as parents, we do have to make the hard choices and do things that our children don't like. We simply thought this was one of those things.
By now I'm sure you know where we stand on the cry it out sleep method for babies. It's pretty clear we didn't like it then and don't like it now. Obviously we don't and won't be using it for Wynter or any other future children. Wynter sleeps very well for a 4 month old, and when she does wake at night I simply nurse her back to sleep. I see nothing wrong with that, it works well for our situation and our family and I adore cuddling her in bed with me (most of the time).
However, though I personally don't like the CIO method, I do understand that there can be a time and a place for it. I also believe it can be done in a healthy way, and that there are many ways to do it incorrectly. If anyone decides that CIO is something they do need to do, then please research it. Be open minded so that you can make an informed decision on how to go about it. Please don't just research the different kinds of CIO methods and how they work, but also the impact that they can have on a baby medically speaking.
Before I end this topic, let me share some resources and facts with you.
The case against:
- Science Says: Excessive Crying Could be Harmful
- Letting Baby "Cry-it-out" Yes, No!
- Dangers of "Crying it out"
- AAP on Becoming Babywise
- 31 Ways to Get Your Baby to Sleep and Stay Asleep
- Dr. Sears' website lists many articles on sleep and babies
Personally, I think that the Ferber method is the best, with changes. The most important thing to me is that the recommendation by Ferber, not to start CIO until after 6 months old is taken seriously.
I want to end by saying that I sincerely hope no one is offended by what I've said. If you are reading this, and using CIO please know I'm not judging you. I am certain you have carefully thought about it and for reasons I do not know have decided it is best for you, your baby, and your family. If you are just doing it because that's what you thought you were supposed to do, I encourage you to go read for yourself the different opinions and research on babies and sleep (both for and against CIO).
Again, as someone who has been there, no judgment here, just a desire to help.
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Our First Mommy and Son Date
Parent and child dates are not something I grew up with. The concept is totally new, introduced to us by friends and pastors we respect. Personally, I love the idea! I actually think it is important to have that focused one on one time with my children. I think it's a great way to let them know with our actions how important they are to us. Since Oliver is so young, for now, it is a way for us to just spend time together without anyone else. As he grows older I hope it can be a time for us to talk about life.
Today we had our very first mommy and son date. Oliver loves going on walks, and he has been indicating that he'd like to go for one since Friday. Sheree, my mother-in-law, had sent Andrew and I Starbucks gift cards as a thank-you for welcoming her into our home for her recent visit, so Oliver and I walked to a close by Starbucks. I got my new favorite drink, an iced americano with white mocha, and Oliver got some chocolate milk. We also splurged and bought an old-fashioned doughnut to share.
We sat outside and watched birds as we drank our drinks and ate our doughnut. I totally meant to get pictures of that part, but forgot until after we were walking away. I did snap a few pictures of Oliver drinking his chocolate milk after we'd left Starbucks.
After our trip to Starbucks we took a little detour on our way home and visited the Philips Plaza Farmer's Market.
We walked through the market twice. I almost bought some carrots and green onions but I didn't have anything to put them in and it didn't look like the vendors had bags for the produce either.
After that we headed home to find Daddy and Wynter taking a nap.
Next week it's Andrew's turn to take Oliver out on a daddy and son date. We plan to rotate each week who takes him out. We won't always do something that costs money, we can go to a park, or go swimming, or take a walk with no specific destination. Someday we'll add Wynter into the rotation, but I don't know when. We didn't really plan that we'd start this when Oliver turned 23 months old, it just seemed like the right time to start.
I actually had lots of fun. It felt like such a special time for me and Oliver to bond and I can't wait for our next one!
Today we had our very first mommy and son date. Oliver loves going on walks, and he has been indicating that he'd like to go for one since Friday. Sheree, my mother-in-law, had sent Andrew and I Starbucks gift cards as a thank-you for welcoming her into our home for her recent visit, so Oliver and I walked to a close by Starbucks. I got my new favorite drink, an iced americano with white mocha, and Oliver got some chocolate milk. We also splurged and bought an old-fashioned doughnut to share.
We sat outside and watched birds as we drank our drinks and ate our doughnut. I totally meant to get pictures of that part, but forgot until after we were walking away. I did snap a few pictures of Oliver drinking his chocolate milk after we'd left Starbucks.
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| Enjoying his chocolate milk. |
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| The Farmer's Market was so packed! |
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| We stopped for a bit to listen to this harpist. |
After that we headed home to find Daddy and Wynter taking a nap.
Next week it's Andrew's turn to take Oliver out on a daddy and son date. We plan to rotate each week who takes him out. We won't always do something that costs money, we can go to a park, or go swimming, or take a walk with no specific destination. Someday we'll add Wynter into the rotation, but I don't know when. We didn't really plan that we'd start this when Oliver turned 23 months old, it just seemed like the right time to start.
I actually had lots of fun. It felt like such a special time for me and Oliver to bond and I can't wait for our next one!
Saturday, April 21, 2012
My Parenting Decisions: Cribs and Co-sleeping/bed-sharing
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| Nursery's look cute, but aren't always practical. |
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| Actually, my reality right now is more like the perception photo. |
Right along with breastfeeding vs formula, as far as controversy goes, is co-sleeping vs cribs. There are plenty of advocates for both sides, as well as plenty of good reasons to do either one. Really it comes down to personal choice.
My parents chose co-sleeping (more specifically, bed-sharing). Recently I asked my Mom how she knew when to transition us to our own beds and our own rooms. She was very relaxed with things like this and said she mostly looked for cues from us that we were ready. It helped that for the most part we had siblings that shared rooms with us so we weren't really alone. I remember that when my youngest brother stopped sleeping with our parents, he'd often spend the night with me (I was 11). Co-sleeping has never been a strange concept to me, even when it wasn't what we chose with our first-born.
With Oliver I think we did a lot of "mainstream" things. Choosing to buy a crib and set up a nursery for him that was not in our room was one of those things. Why I chose a crib and separate sleeping arrangements for our son when I'd grown up with co-sleeping as the norm? I have no idea. One of our reasons involved using the Ferber sleep training method, cry it out, but I'll write more on that later. I also think that as a first time mom I was dazzled by the cute nursery set ups, and the fun cribs with the adorable bedding. It was all very visually appealing. That picture above, of the co-sleeping reality, is not nearly as cute to me as a photo of a well put together nursery. Even now, while we have switched to being co-sleeping parents with Wynter, the nursery image is still so cute and enticing. So much so that even when I knew Wynter would probably be sleeping in our bed with us, I bought her a crib that she probably won't use until she's about one year old. (We use it as a changing table in our bedroom for now, so it actually is pretty useful.)
Co-sleeping, while definitely beneficial to mother and child (you can read more about that here), isn't as comfortable as I thought it would be. Like breastfeeding, I believe it's the better option, but sometimes I'd rather Wynter was sleeping in her own bed. Actually, Wynter starts the night by falling asleep in her baby swing, then when she wakes up around 1am I bring her to bed with us and nurse her back to sleep. So, while I am a huge advocate of co-sleeping, I won't lie and say that it's an easy choice, or that it's comfortable, or that I don't often wish I had her sleeping in a crib instead of our bed. That said, I do actually think it's much easier for me to at least have her sleeping in our room than in her own room.
I know co-sleeping has been advertised (literally) as dangerous for babies. The truth is that, when done safely, co-sleeping actually helps to prevent SIDS. Even having baby sleep in a crib in your room helps, you don't actually have to bed-share for baby to reap some of the benefits of co-sleeping. Here's
By Dr. Sears (I go to Dr. Sears' website for answers to so many things now, as a reference I think his site is one of the best.)
Scientific Benefits of Co-sleeping (same link as the one 2 paragraphs up)
7 Benefits of Sleeping Close to Your Baby
Co-Sleeping: Yes, No, Sometimes? (My favorite go to article on how close proximity sleeping arrangements are good for baby.)
SIDS and co-sleeping
Safe Co-sleeping Habits
Dr. McKenna
Advantages of co-sleeping
Long-term effects
Addressing co-sleeping risks
Dr. Jay Gordon (I use his website second to Dr. Sears' as a reference when I need information on many different topics.)
Safe Co-sleeping
Sleep, Changing Patterns in the Family Bed (This is most likely the method we'll use for moving Wynter from our bed to her own crib when she's old enough.)
I know there are many good reasons for why parents may decide using a crib is a better option for them. We certainly had our own reasons for making that decision with Oliver. Just like breastfeeding is medically known as the best choice for feeding babies in most cases, I think co-sleeping is the best sleep option medically in most cases. However, every parent has to choose what is best for everyone involved, and sometimes that means that co-sleeping is not going to be their best choice. I certainly believe that, as parents, we all try to make the best choices for our own personal circumstances. As someone who has done both, I will not be the mother that judges another for their sleep arrangement choices.
Monday, April 2, 2012
Barely Surviving
That's what my life feels like today, yesterday, last week, probably all this week, maybe next week, at least further than I can really see right now. It feels like I'm barely surviving. Not just surviving, because when I am just surviving I feel even more 'together' than I do now. Barely surviving in my world means that nothing is going well. Let me give you a little picture of what I mean.
Last week began with Oliver getting the flu. Even though the flu left by Monday, he continued to have extreme, leak out of the pants onto the bed diarrhea until Wednesday afternoon. On Tuesday I got the flu in the evening and had to have Andrew come home early from work to help me take care of the kids while I laid on the couch with the chills. I only got up to vomit buckets at a time. Andrew was great and took good care of me and the children since I couldn't do anything. By Wednesday morning I was feeling fine, but Andrew was getting the flu next. During the day on Wednesday he threw up a few times at work before giving up and coming home in the afternoon. He was sick all Wednesday and Thursday (he stayed home Thursday). So on both Wednesday and Thursday I was taking care of both children alone, and a sick husband. Finally Friday began to be a bit normal. Saturday was supposed to be a cleaning day since Andrew's mom is coming to visit this Thursday, but instead the day was taken up with trying to buy a car (which is still an ongoing process buy hopefully will be done by the end of today or tomorrow).
Yesterday started a new week, and I'd hoped an easy week in which I could really relax, enjoy my kids and get the house clean. However, Oliver got sick again last night with a congested chest and cough. Today has been insane. Oliver is fussy and needy and I don't blame him because I know he feels awful. But Wynter, who has shown no signs of being sick, is also fussy and needy and refuses to take adequate naps. I don't think I've had a single moment today where both children have not been crying, at least not a substantial enough moment that it made any difference. And because of this I cannot get any cleaning done today, the constant crying is literally driving me INSANE, and I do not see the light at the end of this tunnel.
Andrew asks me to trust him, that it will be okay. The problem is that it is not okay right now. I don't know how to survive this. I have no sanity left, no desire to be sane, I don't think anyone sane would make it through this with their sanity intact anyway. All I want to do is cry right along with my babies. Maybe scream a little bit too in desperation. Maybe it will all be okay tomorrow, but tomorrow is not here and today is not okay...
And I want others to know that with kids there are times like this, when nothing feels okay, when you have to barely survive, and when you don't know how you are going to survive. I want mothers to remember that other mothers have gone through times like this. I want husbands and fathers to know that their wife, the mother of their children, will at times feel completely pushed too far, stretched waaaaaaay past her capability to deal. Mothers, give your children grace, give yourself moments to cry out to God for help amidst the chaos; husbands, give your wife grace and support and understanding, and give your children grace. Remember, God will be your strength, remember He will give you grace.
Last week began with Oliver getting the flu. Even though the flu left by Monday, he continued to have extreme, leak out of the pants onto the bed diarrhea until Wednesday afternoon. On Tuesday I got the flu in the evening and had to have Andrew come home early from work to help me take care of the kids while I laid on the couch with the chills. I only got up to vomit buckets at a time. Andrew was great and took good care of me and the children since I couldn't do anything. By Wednesday morning I was feeling fine, but Andrew was getting the flu next. During the day on Wednesday he threw up a few times at work before giving up and coming home in the afternoon. He was sick all Wednesday and Thursday (he stayed home Thursday). So on both Wednesday and Thursday I was taking care of both children alone, and a sick husband. Finally Friday began to be a bit normal. Saturday was supposed to be a cleaning day since Andrew's mom is coming to visit this Thursday, but instead the day was taken up with trying to buy a car (which is still an ongoing process buy hopefully will be done by the end of today or tomorrow).
Yesterday started a new week, and I'd hoped an easy week in which I could really relax, enjoy my kids and get the house clean. However, Oliver got sick again last night with a congested chest and cough. Today has been insane. Oliver is fussy and needy and I don't blame him because I know he feels awful. But Wynter, who has shown no signs of being sick, is also fussy and needy and refuses to take adequate naps. I don't think I've had a single moment today where both children have not been crying, at least not a substantial enough moment that it made any difference. And because of this I cannot get any cleaning done today, the constant crying is literally driving me INSANE, and I do not see the light at the end of this tunnel.
Andrew asks me to trust him, that it will be okay. The problem is that it is not okay right now. I don't know how to survive this. I have no sanity left, no desire to be sane, I don't think anyone sane would make it through this with their sanity intact anyway. All I want to do is cry right along with my babies. Maybe scream a little bit too in desperation. Maybe it will all be okay tomorrow, but tomorrow is not here and today is not okay...
And I want others to know that with kids there are times like this, when nothing feels okay, when you have to barely survive, and when you don't know how you are going to survive. I want mothers to remember that other mothers have gone through times like this. I want husbands and fathers to know that their wife, the mother of their children, will at times feel completely pushed too far, stretched waaaaaaay past her capability to deal. Mothers, give your children grace, give yourself moments to cry out to God for help amidst the chaos; husbands, give your wife grace and support and understanding, and give your children grace. Remember, God will be your strength, remember He will give you grace.
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