My Parenting Decisions: Breastfeeding and Formula Part 1

Feedng Oliver formula.

Nursing Wynter (Andrew didn't want to capture a naked boob)

Breastfeeding vs Formula is often a HUGE topic of controversy and more often than not it stirs up very strong emotions and opinions in people.  Women who choose formula can feel attacked and put down by breastfeeding advocates.  Women who breastfeed sometimes feel isolated by their choice and can also feel attacked by those who have made other choices.

When I struggled, and subsequently failed, at breastfeeding Oliver the guilt and shame caused me to feel that everyone who had succeeded and promoted breastfeeding was personally attacking me.  Of course that wasn't true, but it's how I saw things through my own guilt over not succeeding at what I had expected to be able to do easily.

I hadn't been at all prepared for how difficult it can be to get breastfeeding going.  I thought since it was natural it would come naturally, but it definitely didn't.  I gave up on it fast too because I didn't have the support or the information to be able to work through the problems we had.  So Oliver ended up being formula fed.  It took me a long time to stop feeling guilty.

I think it was my quick failure from before that spurred me on to fight hard after Wynter was born.  I wanted breastfeeding to work this time.  I knew it would be hard, but I was ready to fight.  At first it was easy, then 3 days in it got hard and suddenly I was pumping several times a day and feeding her my milk from a bottle.  This continued on until she was 7 weeks old.  The thing that helped us get breastfeeding back was a nipple shield.  It worked a miracle!  In the matter of just 2 days we went from Wynter not latching at all, to Wynter latching like a natural and no longer needing to pump or use a nipple shield.  She is now nearly 4 months old and the only formula she has is when Andrew and I go out on a date.  Yes, I'm really proud of that.  I have been able to succeed at something I greatly desired and had previously failed at.

Personally, I do believe that breastfeeding is an amazing thing, and is nutritionally better.  That is kind of a proven fact and can't be argued.  However, I can attest to how difficult it can be, and how easy and accessible formula is when breastfeeding is just too hard.  No shame should be felt if you decide breastfeeding isn't for you.  Breastmilk or formula, your child is being fed and that is the most important thing.

My Parenting Decisions: Introduction

Our two beautiful children, Oliver Sebastian and Wynter Olivia.

A lot of parenting involves figuring out what you like and don't like; what you agree with and what you don't agree with; what works for you, your family, and your kids, and what doesn't.  There is so much information out there, and so many gadgets and toys, and as parents we have to sift through all of that and find what is right for us.  On top of that we've also all got opinions based on what we believe, what worked or works for us, and what our own parents did and all of us parents like to share our opinions with each other, so we've all got to sift through those too.

For me, at the beginning, I took the opinions and beliefs of one friend as though they were the best, the only way to do it right.  I, of course, found lots of information that supported her views, and I looked at everything with my mind already so focused that anything that didn't fit was wrong and ridiculous.  Now I'm not saying that I've come to believe everything she told me or recommended was wrong or just not for me, some of it was.  Some of it was right for us at the beginning, but not anymore, and some of it I have simply decided I don't agree with period.  As parents we all try to do our best, we often make mistakes, or change our minds about what is best and what is not, and as our life and circumstances change we have to change too.

Our daughter, Wynter, is 3 1/2 months old.  Oliver, our son, is 23 months old.  Many of the parenting decisions we made when Oliver was an infant are not the same as the ones we are making with Wynter.  Oliver was formula fed, Wynter is breastfed.  Oliver slept in a crib, Wynter sleeps in our bed.  I barely knew anything about baby carriers with Oliver, but with Wynter I use a Moby Wrap fairly often and plan on buying a Babyhawk Oh Snap! since the Moby isn't the quickest thing in the world to use.  So many of the decisions we're making this time are opposites of the decisions we'd made previously.  And many of the decisions we're making as Oliver grows older regarding food, play, TV, etc. are different than what we thought we would do.  One of the biggest things I'm learning is that you have to be open to change.  Flexibility as a parent is absolutely necessary.

Like I said at the beginning, us parents like to share our opinions with everyone else, me included.  That's why I'm starting a series of posts about my own parenting decisions.  I want to share where we started, what has changed, and why it has changed, and finally talk about where we are now and our ideas for the future.  However, I want you to read this with an open mind, especially if you are a new mother, or mother-to-be.  The things I've hated, may actually work for you; the things I've loved, you might hate.  Take in the information I share and store it.  Use it if you like, but remember it's not the best way for everyone, nor the right way for everyone, and you will need to sift through it and use what you like and discard the rest.

As parents we also tend to think our opinions need to be defended when other's opinions differ or we are disagreed with.  I want to stay away from that.  Although there are some parenting ideas that I strongly believe are wrong, I'm not here to tell anyone what to do, you have to make those decisions on your own, but I do want to put out there what I've chosen for our family and why without putting down anyone else's decisions or opinions.  I'm writing these posts for myself first because I want to remember where I've been so I can pass on my knowledge to my children, and then secondly for anyone else who happens to read here so that they can maybe be helped from my own experiences.  For anyone reading this series, let's be civil, friendly, helpful, and respectful!

Barely Surviving

That's what my life feels like today, yesterday, last week, probably all this week, maybe next week, at least further than I can really see right now.  It feels like I'm barely surviving.  Not just surviving, because when I am just surviving I feel even more 'together' than I do now.  Barely surviving in my world means that nothing is going well.  Let me give you a little picture of what I mean.

Last week began with Oliver getting the flu.  Even though the flu left by Monday, he continued to have extreme, leak out of the pants onto the bed diarrhea until Wednesday afternoon.  On Tuesday I got the flu in the evening and had to have Andrew come home early from work to help me take care of the kids while I laid on the couch with the chills.  I only got up to vomit buckets at a time.  Andrew was great and took good care of me and the children since I couldn't do anything.  By Wednesday morning I was feeling fine, but Andrew was getting the flu next.  During the day on Wednesday he threw up a few times at work before giving up and coming home in the afternoon.  He was sick all Wednesday and Thursday (he stayed home Thursday).  So on both Wednesday and Thursday I was taking care of both children alone, and a sick husband.  Finally Friday began to be a bit normal.  Saturday was supposed to be a cleaning day since Andrew's mom is coming to visit this Thursday, but instead the day was taken up with trying to buy a car (which is still an ongoing process buy hopefully will be done by the end of today or tomorrow).

Yesterday started a new week, and I'd hoped an easy week in which I could really relax, enjoy my kids and get the house clean.  However, Oliver got sick again last night with a congested chest and cough.  Today has been insane.  Oliver is fussy and needy and I don't blame him because I know he feels awful.  But Wynter, who has shown no signs of being sick, is also fussy and needy and refuses to take adequate naps. I don't think I've had a single moment today where both children have not been crying, at least not a substantial enough moment that it made any difference.  And because of this I cannot get any cleaning done today, the constant crying is literally driving me INSANE, and I do not see the light at the end of this tunnel.

Andrew asks me to trust him, that it will be okay.  The problem is that it is not okay right now.  I don't know how to survive this.  I have no sanity left, no desire to be sane, I don't think anyone sane would make it through this with their sanity intact anyway.  All I want to do is cry right along with my babies. Maybe scream a little bit too in desperation.  Maybe it will all be okay tomorrow, but tomorrow is not here and today is not okay...

And I want others to know that with kids there are times like this, when nothing feels okay, when you have to barely survive, and when you don't know how you are going to survive.  I want mothers to remember that other mothers have gone through times like this.  I want husbands and fathers to know that their wife, the mother of their children, will at times feel completely pushed too far, stretched waaaaaaay past her capability to deal.   Mothers, give your children grace, give yourself moments to cry out to God for help amidst the chaos; husbands, give your wife grace and support and understanding, and give your children grace.  Remember, God will be your strength, remember He will give you grace.

Just a quick thought

It's only when we forget our total depravity, forget that we are born complete sinners, that we begin to believe we have free will.  We are born enslaved to sin, we aren't free in any way.  It is only through God's grace that we can ever be set free from the bondage of sin.

Family Moments

 Yesterday we purchased and installed a large section of synthetic grass in our tiny backyard.  It looks fantastic, and we got to enjoy it for a good while in the evening.  It helps with feeling like this is home, not just a place to stay until we can figure out how to move on to the next thing.

 I also found out that Andrew is a way better photographer than I (he took all these photos).  And he knows how to capture some great moments of the kids.

 Oliver never gets tired of showing us where his head, nose, eyes, mouth, ears, belly button, and heart are.  And he gets so proud of himself when he accomplishes things.

 Wynter is just gorgeous, we all adore her so much.  There is no doubt that she is loved in this family.

Today it is cloudy, cold, and rainy and so we can't go enjoy the outdoors in our back yard, but we are looking forward to a great many days of doing just that when it is warm and sunny.  (Now we need a grill...)

Finding my housekeeping groove

After Oliver was born it took me almost a whole year to finally feel like I could keep up with housework and errands without overwhelming and exhausting myself.  It's been 10 weeks since Wynter was born.  I've repeated a few of the mistakes I made before, like trying to do too much, or focusing on one area every day and neglecting everything else.  We tried some new things that didn't work, like doing the bare minimum during the week and manically running errands and cleaning house on the weekend.  After a month of feeling like we constantly had too much to do and not enough time, and never any time to truly relax and enjoy a day (or even a few hours) of rest we realized some changes still needed to be made.

One of the first things we decided was that we needed one day each weekend that was dedicated to resting, enjoying family time, taking naps if we could, maybe even staying in pajamas all day if we wanted.  We had 2 days to choose from, Saturday and Sunday, and we chose Sunday because we literally do not have anything we have to do that day.

The second thing that needed to happen was finding a way to keep up with chores throughout the week so that we weren't spending all day on the weekend cleaning the house.  I'd previously tried to stick to some sort of cleaning schedule, or to do list, but nothing was working so I wasn't sure how to make it work other than just doing my best each day to clean what was messy.  Then, I think Wednesday of last week, it came to me and I created a cleaning schedule that actually works really well!  It's generalized so that there is some flexibility, and it doesn't take a ton of time or effort, and it will keep the house somewhat clean all week although definitely not perfectly.

Every Day: Keep the kitchen, living room, and bathroom tidy (this doesn't involve really deep cleaning on the living room or bathroom, but the kitchen does need to be thoroughly cleaned every day just due to meal messes)

Monday and Thursday: Clean the bathroom (this is when the toilet, counters, sinks, mirrors and tub/shower are scrubbed down, and the floor swept)

Tuesday and Friday: Clean the bedrooms (this includes anything except for vacuuming)

Wednesday and Saturday: All the vacuuming (bedrooms, and front room and dining area)

No extra chores are scheduled for Sunday, and yet everything that needs to be done gets done throughout the week.  And each days specific chore doesn't have to be done perfectly every time.  Maybe on Monday I'll wipe down the toilet and counters and mirrors, but not get to the shower, so then Thursday I'll focus on the shower and if the mirrors don't get cleaned, or the counters are left untouched it's not a big deal because they were done earlier in the week.  Same with the vacuuming, although the living room does need to be vacuumed both days, the bedrooms really don't.

Today I got the bathroom chore done before 7:30am (we were all up by 6am), and I am cleaning up kitchen messes as I make them.  The living room will get straightened during Oliver's nap, and again before he goes to bed which is when we ask him to help us pick up his toys for the night, so with a little work, and very little of my day spent on cleaning, the housework is reasonably kept up with and the weekend isn't over run with loads of cleaning to do.

My next undertaking is figuring out a non-stressful way to do laundry during the week too, maybe just 1 load every other day, so that I'm not doing 5-7 loads over the weekend (which is actually what happens and is not an over exaggeration).

I'm glad I'm finding my housekeeping groove so very much sooner than before.  It's nice to feel like I'm able to do what needs to be done without overworking myself or stressing out about how much there is to do.  Errands still get run on the weekend, but if we aren't also trying to clean a disastrous house then that's okay because it only takes a few hours of our weekend leaving plenty of time for other things.

Conquering the imaginary

Oliver ran into his room, playing, and ran straight into the corner of his changing table.  Of course it hurt and he started crying so I went to comfort him and right as I reached him I heard this kind of rattling sound... there's a million things it could have been but my mind went straight to "Rattle snake! Get out now!" so I grabbed Oliver and ran out of his room. 

I didn't know how I was going to check this out and make sure there wasn't one, or if there was one how do I find out and then what do I do?  So I texted Andrew, and I e-mailed him, but Oliver really wanted to play in his room so I finally came up with an idea...

How I check for rattle snakes.

Protected by snow boots (not sure how much they actually would have protected me), and armed with the broom, I went and peeked, and poked and searched, and listened until I was 100% sure that there was NOT a rattle snake in his room.  I probably looked ridiculous, but what if there had been a snake and I'd not been safe about checking or hadn't checked at all?  I'll take being ridiculous over being sorry any day.