A few more random thoughts...

It's not as hard to resist Facebook for Lent as I thought it would be.  It's almost relaxing. That said, I do miss it a little for sharing things that make me happy, or sharing light-bulb moments, or other similar things.  So, I thought I'd just get them out of my system by putting them here for now.

1. I've gotten addicted to cookies so I'm giving up sweets in all forms for the rest of Lent just to get rid of this feeling that I need them.  In the past when I've not eaten sweets for a while I find I don't really want all that sugar so I'm just going to give it up and by the end of Lent I shouldn't feel that need for sugar like I do now.  Seriously, it got bad, I'd bake a batch of cookies (about 3-4 dozen) and they'd be gone in two days with me eating most of them.  So no more sweets.  Also, the reason I chose to "do it for Lent" is because I need a goal, a challenge, otherwise I'll slip up.

2.  Being a mother of a daughter changes you so much. Children in general change you because you see all your sins in them and are so often convicted of your own sin as you watch them struggle with their sin.  However, being a mother of a daughter has changed me even more.  I started asking myself "am I the kind of woman I want my daughter to become?" and the answer was "no, not even"... it did also lead me to ask the question "am I the kind of woman I want my son to marry?" and the answer was also no, but the point is I hadn't even thought to ask those questions until I had Wynter.  I'd encourage women to ask themselves that... even before they have children, "are you the kind of woman you want your son to marry or your daughter to become?"  It's pretty life changing.  Where you once thought you were decent, and "better than some" you find you do not meet the standard you'd set for them at all.  The second thing you'll need to realize is that you cannot be that woman.  God can change you into that woman, but you can't get there on your own so don't try, you'll just be discouraged.  The first thing to do is get on your knees in prayer that God will continue to refine you, transform you, change you into a woman of God.

3.  At church we're going through a series titled Weird (because normal isn't working).  It's also making me realize how much I need God to work in me and transform me to be more like Him, and how much I want that.  I'm used to being the girl that blends in, that isn't really noticed in a crowd, that doesn't cause waves, or stand out, and I have purposefully been that girl because I want to be normal.  But normal doesn't work, normal doesn't display Christ to others, normal doesn't shout the gospel... so I'm learning to like weird, and want to be weird for Christ, weird in a good way.  I want to stand out for Christ, not to draw attention to myself but point heavenward to God.

And that's all I have time for today.  Normally I'd share this on Facebook, but not this time so maybe no one will see it until after Lent is up, but I wanted to record these thoughts somewhere for myself at least.

Show and Tell

Today I thought I'd share a few things that have really blessed, inspired, or encouraged me (or all 3).

1. Yesterday morning was a difficult morning for me. Our son, Oliver, was hardly being the angelic little boy I know he can be.  He wasn't even being a cute little monster, he was just being a monster.  Not only that but I'm struggling with a lot of physical pain which is keeping me from many of my regular daily activities, mainly many housekeeping chores.  While it may seem a blessing to be able to sit on the couch all day and pass of most of the household chores to my husband, Andrew, it really isn't.  There may have been was a time when I would revel in the opportunity to do such a thing, but now keeping our home clean, tidy, and welcoming has become a joy to me.  I never thought I'd see the day, but it has happened, and it discourages me when I simply cannot do what needs to be done.  I voiced all these frustrations to Andrew, complaining about what a horrid day I was having and what a mess everything was (and by everything I meant me, Oliver, and the house).  So for the first "show and tell" I want to share the encouraging and inspiring words that he blessed me with in response:

"Look at the bright side of the day. You have a home, food, you don't need to work, you have a beautiful little boy with you who has the best laugh, a husband who loves you, you'll have a little girl soon to play dress up with, you get to nap if you need to, you have friends you can talk to during the day online, Christmas is soon, and you have Christ."

That text message changed my entire outlook for the day, and my attitude, and thus instead of having a horrid day I had a wonderful day.

2.  This blog post from Girls Gone Wise, Mary Kassian, about biblical submission.

3.  And this last one is just a tell: Last night I had 3 very obvious braxton-hicks contractions.  Now some might call them fake contractions because they don't mean you're in labor, but they aren't really fake are they?  They are actually contractions and they do hurt.  Now what is funny, and probably a little insane, is that mostly these very early on contractions can be eased by lying on one side or the other, but last night I really wanted to feel them so I lay on my back savoring the pain because I knew that feeling them this strongly meant that we are getting closer and closer to the day when I will hold our little baby girl in my arms.  While I lay there, feeling every bit of those painful contractions, I smiled and couldn't help but get excited.  I do not know when Wynter will come out into the world (her due date is December 25th, but not many babies are actually born on their due date) but I cannot wait until that day, and I can't help but hope that it is sooner than her due date.

Double Lessons

One of the first things I learned about submission is that it is about surrendering control.  I had never before realized how much of a control freak I was.  There were signs, I knew I wasn't spontaneous, I liked to have plans and know how each moment of my day would fit together, last minute alterations to "the plan" would stress me out and sometimes even make me irritable and unpleasant to be around.  I didn't like doing things if I didn't know what the outcome would be, and for this reason many things made me nervous.  I needed everything to line up nicely into my little plan.

Can you see where the problem is?  It's pretty obvious.  "My little plan"... I needed to be in control.  What I wasn't realizing is that I am not in control at all!  God is.  Submission isn't all about submitting a man, who can make mistakes and wrong choices, it is about submitting to God and giving over that control to Him.  Yes, I do also need to submit to my husband, but it really goes beyond that to submitting to God and trusting Him that He will guide and lead Andrew.  When I realized this it made submitting to Andrew less of a risk because I know that God's plan is perfect.  My plan may not always line up with God's plan, and that also means that my plan may not always line up with Andrew's plan, but as long as I keep submitting to God first and trusting Him to lead Andrew, and thus our family, in His perfect plan then I can more easily let go of my plan.

I still fight to be in control quite a bit.  I forget that I really don't have any control at all, everything is in God's hands.  This is why I am so thankful for God's never-ending mercy and grace.  No matter how many times I forget and try to be "god" in my own life, He is always ready to forgive and welcome me back into His arms.  Not only that but He never stops calling me back to Him whenever I stray.

James 4:7

Submit therefore to God.  Resist the devil and he will flee from you.

Where it all started...

It's been an interesting journey for me, getting to where I am now.  Just two years ago I would have mostly balked at the idea of headship and submission in marriage, but part of me would have also been eager to learn more.  In fact, part of me has been longing all my life for that in marriage, but I never would have seriously voiced that longing because in the face of society today it seemed wrong.  Honestly, my view of it was off kilter too.  I had this longing for what I saw as the 50's marriage, I wanted to be the perfect little wife, with the perfect little home, and perfect little children, and yes I wanted my someday husband- at that point in life- to be "the boss".  And although I longed for this, I felt it was wrong of me, so I kept it mostly hidden and instead cultivated what I was taught: in-dependency, feminism, that women are at least equal to men (if not better).  I was taught by society how to walk all over a man, how to use my femininity to get what I wanted, I was even taught that women could be stronger, smarter, and overall better than men.  I never would have said any of those things, but my attitude toward men spoke it in volumes!

I feel blessed that it only took us 1 year of marriage before we realized that we had it all wrong.  God mercifully brought friends into our lives that pointed us in the right direction.  I learned that what society had taught me, and even my own secret longings did not line up with God's plan for marriage.  Ephesians 5:22-27 tells us that the marriage relationship is to mirror Christ and His church.  Just as Christ leads, shepherds, and sacrificially loves His church, husbands are to lead, shepherd, and sacrificially love their wives.  And just as the church submits to Christ's leadership, wives are to submit to the leadership of their husbands.  This was eye opening for me. 

I have no where near perfected this calling to submit, I am human after all, but I strive for it daily.  Some days are easier than others, some days it feels impossible, but this calling is on my mind and heart daily.  I am eager to learn more about what submission means and how to practically apply it in day to day life, and I am eager to apply it.  I believe I will always be learning new things about being a godly wife, or godly mother, and I will always struggle because of sin, but it is because of my past struggles and even my current struggles that I desire to share this journey with others so that some might be encouraged or learn what I have about God's call to wives and mothers.  And that is what this blog is for, sharing my journey into biblical womanhood for the purpose of teaching and/or encouraging other young women (whether you have grown up learning all of this, or like me you are just learning it, or have yet to discover it).