Just A Mom. Just A Kid.

Yesterday was, I think, the first time I identified as the parent of a special needs child.  It was overwhelming, shocking, mind-blowing; all those emotions I didn't feel when the word "Autism" was spoken, and a few that I did.  I couldn't help but think that this was not what I signed up for when I decided I wanted to be a mom.  These were not the struggles I thought I would face.  Then, after going through all that, I thought, "I have a child with special needs, undeniably, but I am just a mom and he is just a kid."  That was really a profound moment for me.  Now, I'm not trying to belittle the incredible difficulties that come with being a parent of a child with special needs, but sometimes that "label", Parent of a Special Needs Child (or whatever variation is used), can be isolating.  I know when I voiced it for the first time yesterday, I felt like suddenly I was not the same as other mom's.  I felt different, set apart, and it was not a good feeling.

I am just a mom.  Yes, I have a child with special needs, but does that define me as a parent?  No!  I deal with regular tantrums too.  I love my kids just the same as any other mom.  I make mistakes.  I yell, and then tearfully apologize.  I get them McDonald's.  I face many difficulties that other moms might not, but I also face many of the same.  And there are moms who face difficulties that I don't, and will probably never have to face.  Sure, I could use some special support and understanding in certain areas, but it's my firm belief that every parent needs all the support and understanding they can get.

"This is not what I signed up for when I decided to be a mom." That thought was not about the challenges I face, but about the isolation I feared.  In reality, I am not isolated.  I have amazing friends and family that have stepped up to help, to pray, and to encourage.  I am even making new friends who are so understanding and encouraging, just lovely all around.  I don't think they see me as a parent with that extra label "of a special needs child". 

On the flip side, there are certain things I seek out or do differently specifically because Oliver is a special needs child.  (Wow.  I think I really hate that label!) I might look out for toys that touch on areas that Oliver needs extra attention.  I look for books that are specific to the challenges we face.  My parenting techniques are unique because our situation is unique. So, yes, there are some things that are not really typical in our home and our family life.  Then again, isn't every family unique, facing challenges that are unique to them, and looking for answers that are specific to their own situation?  So we aren't all that different after all.

I am just a mom.  Oliver is just a kid.

My Parenting Decisions: An Installment About Being a New Mom

I'm not having another baby anytime soon.  We're not currently ready for one, financially or emotionally.  We have a lot going on with Oliver right now, and Wynter is developing into her own amazing little person, and all of it is keeping us pretty busy.  However, a few wonderful ladies I know are either pregnant or have a brand new baby, and it's got me thinking about items I would recommend to a new mom, and overall advice I'd give that might make life easier.  So, I thought I'd revive this series, beginning with some general advice for new mom's that isn't often given or thought of.

• Starting a baby registry can be very overwhelming.  There are so many different baby items that seem necessary, and then you've also got brands to worry about, and every brand claims they're the best.  In my opinion there are a few essential items with which brand should matter, aside from those brand is more a matter of opinion and preference.  Here are the things with which I believe brand does matter:
• Car seats (Some are truly safer and more reliable than others.  Do your research.)
• Breast Pumps (Check the La Leche League website for recommendations.)
• Baby Carriers (Check out Babywearing International for more information.)
• Along the same lines, following a registry guideline list might be helpful.  You can google "baby registry checklist" and find many good ones. That way you can check things off as you add them and you won't forget anything.  Add anything you really want, even if you might not really need it. Friends with kids will likely get you what you need, like diapers, wipes, clippers, onesies, etc; friends without kids are more likely to buy cute baby outfits, blankets, stuffed animals, etc.  Family and close friends are more likely to buy the more expensive items.  (This is all simply my experience.)
•  There is so much anticipation regarding the arrival of baby, the after baby arrives can be overlooked.  As a new mom, you'll be very tired and you'll need to take it easy for at least a few weeks.  You'll need people bringing you meals, or have meals in the freezer that can be quickly popped in a pot, slow cooker, or the oven.  It is more than okay to ask family and friends to help with housework, especially if you're getting behind (which is pretty likely those first few weeks to months).
• Are you planning on breastfeeding?  Know ahead of time that it can be easy for some lucky Mamas, but for many it is actually much more difficult to get going.  If you don't have people around you to answer your questions, or help you when you need it, you might turn to formula.  If you do turn to formula you might feel like a failure, or guilty for giving up on breastfeeding.  Please try to remember that whether your baby gets breastmilk or formula your baby is getting fed.
• There has been some recent negativity regarding co-sleeping, more specifically bed-sharing.  I wrote about this before so you can refer back to that post for my personal experience, or you can check out information from Dr. James McKenna.  You will find medical professionals who are adamantly against co-sleeping/bed-sharing too.  Personally, I believe it can be practiced safely.  It's really a personal decision.  Don't let anyone make you feel bad one way or the other.  Choose what works best for you and your family, and be open to changing your mind because you can't know what will end up working best until after baby is home with you.

There are many more things to think about, but for me the above were issues I hadn't thought would be all that important, and ended up being some of the most important issues for us.  Other things like where I would give birth to my kids, whether or not I wanted an epidural, what kind of diapers (cloth or disposable) we would use, either ended up being chosen for us or just weren't all that important at the time.

I think it's important to know the issues that will affect you greatest, research them, read about personal experiences or talk to family and friends about what they found to be the best for them, and then be ready to change your mind even if you think you know exactly what you want.  My decisions changed drastically from child to child, and that's okay.  It's a process, figuring out how to be a parent, and it's constantly changing.  If something isn't working, don't be afraid to try something new and figure out what does work for you and your family.  You'll be doing that all through parenthood.