This afternoon I found myself commenting on a plea for help (on facebook, of course). It's not my story to share, not that part anyway, but the situation was one I'm so familiar with.
And after I was done commenting, I paused.
I re-read what I had wrote.
And I realized how far I've come.
It wasn't so very long ago that I felt at my wits end with Oliver. I didn't understand how to help him, and I felt completely helpless myself. I had determined I must be a terrible mother, I didn't/couldn't parent my 2 1/2 year old! I was emotionally and physically exhausted. Every day was a fight, a struggle between my son and I over everything. And I believed that it was my fault. I thought there was something wrong with me because parenting was not coming naturally to me. (I don't know if being a mother comes naturally to anyone.)
A lot of the books I read talked about hope for the future. They said that the work we do now will translate into "good" children later in life. I got so tired of this dream future. I knew that their future was inevitably different than what mine would be because we have different children. I wondered if there was any hope for the now, in the midst of the difficult times, in the midst of the mess and the confusion, and I despaired that no one could offer me the reprieve that I sought. Until I read Hope for the Weary Mom. In that book I found hope in the midst of the mess. Not hope that it would get better, but a reminder of the glorious hope and truth that is offered by realizing that God is with me now, not just in some far off future, but He is with me in my mess getting His hands dirty right alongside me.
I'm getting off point...
What I mean to get at is that the past year has been tough. I've had to learn different methods of parenting than I knew before. I've had to come up with unique solutions, and there has been a lot of trial and error before finding what works (and sometimes it only works for a little while). I still have days where I feel lost and confused, and like I just don't have a clue what I'm doing. But those days are not nearly as often anymore. Even in the midst of the really tough days I know more than I did before, and I feel less lost than I did before. It's taken time and hard work to get there, and there is a long journey still ahead of us, but it doesn't feel hopeless.
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Monday, October 14, 2013
He Called Me
I've made no secret of the fact that I am a follower of God, a Christian. Yet, lately I have struggled with my faith. Life has been difficult lately. I've felt angry and resentful which has made me an unpleasant person to live with. (I'm so sorry Andrew, Oliver, and Wynter!) I was struggling so hard with what I knew and what I wanted. God calls me to live free of anger, bitterness, and resentment, and yet I didn't want to let go of my pain and I didn't want to forgive the things that were causing my anger. Mostly I was angry and bitter at God for allowing my life to be less than my view of perfect. I wanted Him to fix it for me, without any work of my own, and I refused to be happy until that happened.
Then yesterday I saw a post by an author I follow on Facebook and it broke through my barriers and it was as if God whispered in my ear, "Come back, give your pain and your anger and your problems to me." The post said, "Jesus never called us to the comfortable life. He called us [to] follow Him through whatever life hands us." That is a pretty common concept in Christianity. God does not promise an easy life for His followers. I knew this, and yet it took that simple little post to remember and for the truth of it to sink in.
I remembered a passage in Romans chapter 8, verses 38 and 39, that says,
This morning I did something I hadn't done in many months, I spent some time with God. I prayed, I read His word, and the kids and I had Bible time at the table during breakfast (which we are going to do every day from now on).
What I hope you might know from this little confession is that even Christians can be like stubborn little children sometimes, refusing their father's help when they need it most. But that does not mean that when we realize we cannot do it on our own we have doomed ourselves, we can still humble ourselves and return to our Father, confess our weakness and sin, and ask for His help and He will help us.
Then yesterday I saw a post by an author I follow on Facebook and it broke through my barriers and it was as if God whispered in my ear, "Come back, give your pain and your anger and your problems to me." The post said, "Jesus never called us to the comfortable life. He called us [to] follow Him through whatever life hands us." That is a pretty common concept in Christianity. God does not promise an easy life for His followers. I knew this, and yet it took that simple little post to remember and for the truth of it to sink in.
I remembered a passage in Romans chapter 8, verses 38 and 39, that says,
"For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."Nothing can separate me from the love of God. I belong to Him and nothing and no one can change that. Not even my anger and bitterness.
This morning I did something I hadn't done in many months, I spent some time with God. I prayed, I read His word, and the kids and I had Bible time at the table during breakfast (which we are going to do every day from now on).
What I hope you might know from this little confession is that even Christians can be like stubborn little children sometimes, refusing their father's help when they need it most. But that does not mean that when we realize we cannot do it on our own we have doomed ourselves, we can still humble ourselves and return to our Father, confess our weakness and sin, and ask for His help and He will help us.
5 Important Things I've Learned From Therapy
Even though I consider myself creative, and I enjoy the arts and have been involved in some form of art for most of my life, I am not an outside-of-the-box thinker. I am creative inside the box. If something comes with instructions then I can follow the directions to create something fun or beautiful. If something does not come with instructions I have a very difficult time seeing the possibilities. With Oliver's therapy, both Speech and Occupational, I have learned how to force myself to think outside the box in order to teach him new concepts with old toys. I want to share with you some of the things that I've found most valuable in continuing therapy at home during the week.
1. One toy can be used in a myriad of ways to teach many different concepts. A memory card game does not have to be used according to the directions, instead you can use it as a matching game, or simply as visuals to introduce new vocabulary. If the images lend themselves, you could even use it for story boards. In the same way, a bus with little people doesn't have to be used for only imaginary play, but you can set up an activity to teach concepts such as "on and off", "stop and go", "open and close", and much more.
2. While we want to push Oliver's mind, and increase his knowledge, we don't want to overwhelm him with too much information all at once so that his mind shuts down and learns nothing. Introducing concepts one at a time, and then slowly combining them, is much more effective even if it takes longer. Patience is key here.
3. Give Oliver time to think. It might take a while, but his brain is working trying to figure out the right answer, or how to solve the problem, or how to do what we've asked, and he needs time.
4. Don't give him too much time or he will get distracted from his task and you will lose him to another interest. When that happens it will take time to refocus him, but do it. It's important for him to not jump from one thing, to the next, and the next, but to remain focused on one activity at a time and finish it before moving on.
5. Don't assume Oliver has the knowledge if you've never purposefully taught it to him. Even though it's something that seems as though he'd have learned it in everyday interactions or activities, he may not have, or he may not understand something even if he can spit out the word or do the action. First teach him what you want him to know, over and over and over, and then give him the opportunity to utilize that new knowledge on his own.
1. One toy can be used in a myriad of ways to teach many different concepts. A memory card game does not have to be used according to the directions, instead you can use it as a matching game, or simply as visuals to introduce new vocabulary. If the images lend themselves, you could even use it for story boards. In the same way, a bus with little people doesn't have to be used for only imaginary play, but you can set up an activity to teach concepts such as "on and off", "stop and go", "open and close", and much more.
2. While we want to push Oliver's mind, and increase his knowledge, we don't want to overwhelm him with too much information all at once so that his mind shuts down and learns nothing. Introducing concepts one at a time, and then slowly combining them, is much more effective even if it takes longer. Patience is key here.
3. Give Oliver time to think. It might take a while, but his brain is working trying to figure out the right answer, or how to solve the problem, or how to do what we've asked, and he needs time.
4. Don't give him too much time or he will get distracted from his task and you will lose him to another interest. When that happens it will take time to refocus him, but do it. It's important for him to not jump from one thing, to the next, and the next, but to remain focused on one activity at a time and finish it before moving on.
5. Don't assume Oliver has the knowledge if you've never purposefully taught it to him. Even though it's something that seems as though he'd have learned it in everyday interactions or activities, he may not have, or he may not understand something even if he can spit out the word or do the action. First teach him what you want him to know, over and over and over, and then give him the opportunity to utilize that new knowledge on his own.
Thursday, October 10, 2013
Why I Am Glad Autism Did Not Come First
Can you imagine if we all went around introducing ourselves by the qualities that make up a part of us, whether they are good or bad?
"Hi, my name is Sarah, and I'm short tempered."
Or, "Hi, I'm Sarah, and I enjoy serving others."
The people we meet would first and foremost see us in light of what we'd just told them about ourselves. As they spent time with us and got to know us better they would learn we have other qualities that make up the rest of who we are, but it would take time.
Oliver did not come into the world with any sort of label that caused us to think of him in only one certain way. Oliver was born as a healthy boy, as a baby, and as our son, that's all we knew about him. As he grew he began to display his personality, his preferences, his idiosyncricies, etc. We got to know who Oliver is first and foremost. Nothing was pressumed.
This is why I am glad that we had that time. I know that it's typically recognized that early intervention is key, as early as possible, but I am glad that we did not have that Autism label until we had time to see him without it. Now the label is just that, a label. It provides services for Oliver, and it helps us to understand him better, but it did not change the knowledge we already had of who Oliver is.
I have to admit that despite that help that Oliver's diagnosis has brought, there are times that I wish we didn't have it. There are times that I wish that I could just not know and just enjoy my little boy the way he is without any sort of knowledge of Autism. Ignorance is bliss.
Yet, the knowledge has brought understanding, and the understanding has enabled us to help Oliver in ways we hadn't before. And so I am conflicted. I do not like his diagnosis, but I do appreciate what it has done for us and for him.
"Hi, my name is Sarah, and I'm short tempered."
Or, "Hi, I'm Sarah, and I enjoy serving others."
The people we meet would first and foremost see us in light of what we'd just told them about ourselves. As they spent time with us and got to know us better they would learn we have other qualities that make up the rest of who we are, but it would take time.
Oliver did not come into the world with any sort of label that caused us to think of him in only one certain way. Oliver was born as a healthy boy, as a baby, and as our son, that's all we knew about him. As he grew he began to display his personality, his preferences, his idiosyncricies, etc. We got to know who Oliver is first and foremost. Nothing was pressumed.
This is why I am glad that we had that time. I know that it's typically recognized that early intervention is key, as early as possible, but I am glad that we did not have that Autism label until we had time to see him without it. Now the label is just that, a label. It provides services for Oliver, and it helps us to understand him better, but it did not change the knowledge we already had of who Oliver is.
I have to admit that despite that help that Oliver's diagnosis has brought, there are times that I wish we didn't have it. There are times that I wish that I could just not know and just enjoy my little boy the way he is without any sort of knowledge of Autism. Ignorance is bliss.
Yet, the knowledge has brought understanding, and the understanding has enabled us to help Oliver in ways we hadn't before. And so I am conflicted. I do not like his diagnosis, but I do appreciate what it has done for us and for him.
Friday, September 13, 2013
Let's Pick Some Apples!
Last Saturday, September 7th, we drove the nearly 2 hours up to Wilcox, AZ to visit Apple Annie's Orchard. The trip was long, but definitely worth it.
There were little wagons, and fruit pickers for us to use, and while the fruit picker was just a nuisance to me, the wagon was very beneficial for keeping the kids contained while we moved between the rows.
The kids had a blast at the orchard, especially Oliver. There was a little tractor show there as well, which was Oliver's favorite. He sobbed his little eyes out when we had to leave.
It also just so happened that the tractor Oliver and Wynter got to sit on was an Oliver brand tractor! What a crazy coincidence!
Overall it was fantastic day, and we hope to start planning more frequent family outings like this.
To be honest, though I knew it would be a fun family trip, I mostly saw it as a great photo opportunity. I've gotten a little tired of the same old background, the little yard right out front of our apartment.
There were little wagons, and fruit pickers for us to use, and while the fruit picker was just a nuisance to me, the wagon was very beneficial for keeping the kids contained while we moved between the rows.
The kids had a blast at the orchard, especially Oliver. There was a little tractor show there as well, which was Oliver's favorite. He sobbed his little eyes out when we had to leave.
It also just so happened that the tractor Oliver and Wynter got to sit on was an Oliver brand tractor! What a crazy coincidence!
Overall it was fantastic day, and we hope to start planning more frequent family outings like this.
The Call.
Nothing has changed. Everything has changed.
Last Thursday Oliver had an ADOS test performed by a wonderful woman, Maria. The test was mostly a semi directed play time with observations made and scores given according to what he did, or did not do. We'll receive the official report soon, but yesterday our Developmental Pediatrician called with the results.
Oliver has Autism Spectrum Disorder.
I read that as mild or higher functioning Autism. Classic Autism had it's own category and that is not where he scored into. Personally, I was thinking that he might not score into an Autism diagnosis at all. During the test he responded to his name, looked at Maria (though I'm not sure if it was eye contact or not), he followed many directions, engaged in pretend play, and easily transitioned from activity to activity. Where I still saw subtle signs of ASD were when Maria pretended to get burnt by a match and he did not react, between activities he constantly refocused on the cars and trucks, he did not follow Maria's eye line to look at something, he did not engage in pretend play focused on putting a baby doll to sleep... there might have been some other subtle indicators, but I didn't notice them.
Despite the finality of the diagnosis journey, nothing has changed. Oliver is still Oliver, and I love him. I love his quirks, I love his smile, I love his uniqueness. Nothing has changed.
And yet, everything has changed because before Oliver was born, and for the first 2 years of his life, we did not imagine that we might be heading down this road. Yet, here we are, and it's okay.
Everything has changed... and yet, nothing has changed.
Last Thursday Oliver had an ADOS test performed by a wonderful woman, Maria. The test was mostly a semi directed play time with observations made and scores given according to what he did, or did not do. We'll receive the official report soon, but yesterday our Developmental Pediatrician called with the results.
Oliver has Autism Spectrum Disorder.
I read that as mild or higher functioning Autism. Classic Autism had it's own category and that is not where he scored into. Personally, I was thinking that he might not score into an Autism diagnosis at all. During the test he responded to his name, looked at Maria (though I'm not sure if it was eye contact or not), he followed many directions, engaged in pretend play, and easily transitioned from activity to activity. Where I still saw subtle signs of ASD were when Maria pretended to get burnt by a match and he did not react, between activities he constantly refocused on the cars and trucks, he did not follow Maria's eye line to look at something, he did not engage in pretend play focused on putting a baby doll to sleep... there might have been some other subtle indicators, but I didn't notice them.
Despite the finality of the diagnosis journey, nothing has changed. Oliver is still Oliver, and I love him. I love his quirks, I love his smile, I love his uniqueness. Nothing has changed.
And yet, everything has changed because before Oliver was born, and for the first 2 years of his life, we did not imagine that we might be heading down this road. Yet, here we are, and it's okay.
Everything has changed... and yet, nothing has changed.
Thursday, August 29, 2013
face, meet palm
Last Thursday the kids and I went to the apartment above us for a little play date. The plan had been last week her house, this week my house. Well, last week she told me that her little man is starting pre-school and so they won't be coming...
Yeah. I forgot.
I moved the TV out to the living room.
Which was a pain.
And I didn't even have to!
Now I should move it back...
Sigh.
Bonus: I cleaned the house and dressed the kids so I decided to whip out the camera and experiment. I discovered the lovelyness of the "P" setting! I need to refresh myself on exactly what that setting does automatically, but I think I was adjusting the exposure...
At least I discovered that it's a good setting for indoors/low light. I seriously need to learn more about my camera!
P.S. Not all our play dates are sitting in front of the TV, but this particular little boy is very shy and so far our attempts at playing outdoors together have him crying. We thought maybe doing some less involved activities together could get him used to being around Oliver and Wynter.
Yeah. I forgot.
I moved the TV out to the living room.
Which was a pain.
And I didn't even have to!
Now I should move it back...
Sigh.
Bonus: I cleaned the house and dressed the kids so I decided to whip out the camera and experiment. I discovered the lovelyness of the "P" setting! I need to refresh myself on exactly what that setting does automatically, but I think I was adjusting the exposure...
At least I discovered that it's a good setting for indoors/low light. I seriously need to learn more about my camera!
P.S. Not all our play dates are sitting in front of the TV, but this particular little boy is very shy and so far our attempts at playing outdoors together have him crying. We thought maybe doing some less involved activities together could get him used to being around Oliver and Wynter.
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
A Woman's Value
As I hear about Miley Cyrus's VMA performance I am saddened. I have to admit that I watched a bit of her performance this morning. I wanted to see if it was truly as shocking as everyone says it is, and as I watched it I just wanted to cry. I remember being her age, and I remember the desperate feelings that made me want to act in shameful ways.
This world tells young girls that their value is tied to their beauty, and especially to their sexiness. Their worth, the world says, is measured by how many boys they can get to want them. When I was Miley Cyrus's age, and really it started at about 17 years old, I believed this message. I desperately sought the attention of guys, and I wanted so badly to be desired. I also resented it. Even while I sought the attention, I hated it. I hated myself, I hated my body, and I hated how I felt. I watched Miley Cyrus's performance and I recognized myself from years ago. The only difference is that she is has a public stage to perform on.
I can't speak for Miley, I don't know her personal struggles, or feelings, or thoughts, and so I can't say why she performed the way she did, but I will never forget that period of my life. I felt so worthless. I don't know where I learned this lie from, my guess is from movies and magazines, perhaps even people that I knew at that time. This lie that I believed told me that girls who dance on tables are carefree, and that guys will see them as fun and desirable; the lie told me that men only value a woman's body; it told me that sex was the only thing they want from me; it told me that who I am doesn't matter, all that matters is whether the men/boys/guys around me find me attractive enough to give me attention. And I believed this lie. I believed it for a long time, and I made choices because I believed this lie that I now regret.
Someday Wynter will be a young woman and I want so badly to protect her from believing this lie. I can't keep the lie out of her life because it permeates our culture. You can find it in songs, in movies, in magazines, and in books. So, I know I can't keep her from hearing this lie, but I can work hard to be sure that when she first hears that her worth is tied to outer beauty and sex, she will have heard the truth for so long that she will be able to recognize it is a lie and choose not to believe it.
This is the truth: Our worth comes not from our physical appearance, nor is it measured by our abilities, or the amount of attention we can attract; our worth was determined long ago, when Christ valued us so much that he died on the cross for us. That is our worth, and it has nothing to do with what we have done.
John 3:16 has never spoken to me as much as it does today, "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life." (ESV) If that doesn't tell us how much we are loved, how much we are worth, I don't know what does.
Friday, August 23, 2013
Capturing the Little Moments
I've been increasingly into photography as of late. I'm self-taught, and still learning so much, but I like to think I'm able to at least capturing some pretty good shots of my own kids. What I love best about photography is being able to capture magical, every day, moments with clarity and the beauty that I can see with my own eyes.
I've shared this picture before, but it's such a good example of what I'm talking about! The moment lasted mere seconds, and I'm so thankful I was able to capture it. The lighting is wonderful, Oliver's expression, the placement of his hands, everything about this photo is magical to me. Of course, that could be just because I'm his mom, but I like to think it's a good photograph too.
This is another great example. This photograph is taken in our tiny back yard, and Oliver is splashing in the little plastic kiddie pool. I snapped hundreds of photos while the kids played in the water, and one of them happened to be the above photograph. Look at the joy on his face! Again, it was a split second moment, and I cannot believe I captured it. This is a photo that I'll treasure all my life.
Wynter is saying bye in this photo, right before she started running off and I had to chase after her. I just love this photograph of her, it shows all her character and personality.
And this is the last one, I promise. She's so messy, and sticky, and adorable in this photo! I love the way she'd glanced at me right as I took the photo. These moments, these every day, ordinary moments are the ones I treasure most. Sure, I appreciate the occasional posed photo (especially family ones), but the posed ones are just that, posed. Life passes so quickly, especially the early childhood years as they learn so much so quickly, and it's the every day moments that are so special and so fleeting that I crave capturing them in all their wonder.
Someday, I want to offer the same to other people. I hope to offer photo shoots to families that capture their unique ordinary life, in their own home, at a park, wherever they live life. This is my dream, and I believe that slowly it is coming to fruition. I still have much to learn, and need lots more practice, and for now I'm happy to dream and wait, and glean practice in whatever way I can.
I've shared this picture before, but it's such a good example of what I'm talking about! The moment lasted mere seconds, and I'm so thankful I was able to capture it. The lighting is wonderful, Oliver's expression, the placement of his hands, everything about this photo is magical to me. Of course, that could be just because I'm his mom, but I like to think it's a good photograph too.
This is another great example. This photograph is taken in our tiny back yard, and Oliver is splashing in the little plastic kiddie pool. I snapped hundreds of photos while the kids played in the water, and one of them happened to be the above photograph. Look at the joy on his face! Again, it was a split second moment, and I cannot believe I captured it. This is a photo that I'll treasure all my life.
Wynter is saying bye in this photo, right before she started running off and I had to chase after her. I just love this photograph of her, it shows all her character and personality.
And this is the last one, I promise. She's so messy, and sticky, and adorable in this photo! I love the way she'd glanced at me right as I took the photo. These moments, these every day, ordinary moments are the ones I treasure most. Sure, I appreciate the occasional posed photo (especially family ones), but the posed ones are just that, posed. Life passes so quickly, especially the early childhood years as they learn so much so quickly, and it's the every day moments that are so special and so fleeting that I crave capturing them in all their wonder.
Someday, I want to offer the same to other people. I hope to offer photo shoots to families that capture their unique ordinary life, in their own home, at a park, wherever they live life. This is my dream, and I believe that slowly it is coming to fruition. I still have much to learn, and need lots more practice, and for now I'm happy to dream and wait, and glean practice in whatever way I can.
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
What Happened To August?!
It seems like yesterday was August 1st... but suddenly we're here at August 21st and in the middle of our 3rd week of homeschooling. It was a huge blessing to hear that I am doing a great job teaching Oliver at home from one of our therapist's yesterday. I don't want to "misquote" her so I should also say that she still pushed pre-school, private or public, on me, but only for the extra social interaction. She'll be gone during most of September and she told me that she wasn't worried about Oliver because I'm doing such a great job taking what she gives me and utilizing it with him at home.
Oliver is also getting better with obedience (I feel like I'm talking about a dog in obedience training saying that). I'm no longer as worried about him running off, and he seems to understand that he needs to stay within my eye sight while outdoors. The weather just needs to cool off more so we can spend more time outdoors!
Since I need August photographs of the kids, we did go outdoors for a bit a while ago. Here are some of my favorite snapshots:
I love those sandals! I originally ordered the wrong size, but got the chance to order another pair that does fit her. She'll have the same shoes next summer now too!
I'm excited for September. September brings the beginning of fall, and I can start thinking about the holidays without receiving too much resistance. Besides, Summer is my least favorite season, and Autumn is my favorite.
Oliver is also getting better with obedience (I feel like I'm talking about a dog in obedience training saying that). I'm no longer as worried about him running off, and he seems to understand that he needs to stay within my eye sight while outdoors. The weather just needs to cool off more so we can spend more time outdoors!
Since I need August photographs of the kids, we did go outdoors for a bit a while ago. Here are some of my favorite snapshots:
I love those sandals! I originally ordered the wrong size, but got the chance to order another pair that does fit her. She'll have the same shoes next summer now too!
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| I love this picture. Our neighbor kindly took it for us. |
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| Again, love! |
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| Bye! (She says it, "die!) |
Saturday, August 17, 2013
With the Good Comes the Bad
I am so very pleased that Oliver's communication has blossomed, seemingly overnight! He's answering questions to the best of his ability, requesting things, and even asking for help. I love it! Our first real conversation occurred Wednesday while playing outside. I was talking with our neighbor about my camera, and Oliver comes up to me and pats my leg requesting attention. I turned to him and the following is as close to what was actually said as I can remember:
Me: Yes?
Oliver: Help please.
Me: You need help? What do you need help with?
Oliver: Bicycle.
Me: You need help getting your tricycle?
Oliver: (nodding his head) Uh huh.
I was ecstatic! If I hadn't been in front of a stranger I would have shouted for joy, maybe even danced! It was a beautiful moment.
However, (and I'm told this is perfectly normal, though difficult to deal with) we're seeing some behaviors that either weren't there before or are increasing in intensity. Do you know what "stimming" is? It's also called perseverating.
For example: Oliver stands on the couch and jumps off, and I exclaim, "Oh my!". Oliver then repeats my exclamation. Repeating that sort of exclamation once or twice is him learning language and communication by imitatating me. Repeating it 5+ times becomes Oliver perseverating. He might like the sound of the words, or the feel of saying them, I rarely know why something turns into a repetative action or verbalization.
An example of physical perseveration is when Oliver takes his hand and begins to tap it against his mouth. He also will hit his stomach or chest repeatedly, or literally bounce himself off walls, or spin in circles, or hit his head with both hands in a frantic motion. These actions seem to be more in response to an overwhelming of his senses. Some are done in frustration, but others start as a simply enjoyable act and turn into a source of frustration, like the tapping of his mouth while saying "aaaaaaahhhh". It begins as a pleasurable action because he likes the sound and/or feel, but quickly derails into a frantic and obviously upsetting ordeal.
So, back on track, while Oliver's language is developing beautifully and I am so happy every time we hold a little conversation, a little bad has come with the good. Two steps forward, one step back.
Side note: While I don't think that all perseverating is bad, there seems to have been a dramatic increase in the "self harm" variety. He's not truly harming himself, but hitting himself would be classified as such. Our response to such stimming is to redirect him to hit a pillow, or to attempt to calm him using soothing words and touch.
Me: Yes?
Oliver: Help please.
Me: You need help? What do you need help with?
Oliver: Bicycle.
Me: You need help getting your tricycle?
Oliver: (nodding his head) Uh huh.
I was ecstatic! If I hadn't been in front of a stranger I would have shouted for joy, maybe even danced! It was a beautiful moment.
However, (and I'm told this is perfectly normal, though difficult to deal with) we're seeing some behaviors that either weren't there before or are increasing in intensity. Do you know what "stimming" is? It's also called perseverating.
Oliver perseverates both verbally and physically. A verbal perseveration might be repeating a question or phrase over and over, to the point where it is no longer a response to an occurrence.Perseverating: present participle ofperseverateVerbRepeat or prolong an action, thought, or utterance after the stimulus that prompted it has ceased.
For example: Oliver stands on the couch and jumps off, and I exclaim, "Oh my!". Oliver then repeats my exclamation. Repeating that sort of exclamation once or twice is him learning language and communication by imitatating me. Repeating it 5+ times becomes Oliver perseverating. He might like the sound of the words, or the feel of saying them, I rarely know why something turns into a repetative action or verbalization.
An example of physical perseveration is when Oliver takes his hand and begins to tap it against his mouth. He also will hit his stomach or chest repeatedly, or literally bounce himself off walls, or spin in circles, or hit his head with both hands in a frantic motion. These actions seem to be more in response to an overwhelming of his senses. Some are done in frustration, but others start as a simply enjoyable act and turn into a source of frustration, like the tapping of his mouth while saying "aaaaaaahhhh". It begins as a pleasurable action because he likes the sound and/or feel, but quickly derails into a frantic and obviously upsetting ordeal.
So, back on track, while Oliver's language is developing beautifully and I am so happy every time we hold a little conversation, a little bad has come with the good. Two steps forward, one step back.
Side note: While I don't think that all perseverating is bad, there seems to have been a dramatic increase in the "self harm" variety. He's not truly harming himself, but hitting himself would be classified as such. Our response to such stimming is to redirect him to hit a pillow, or to attempt to calm him using soothing words and touch.
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
God's Amazing Gift to Mothers
God will not give me more than He can handle.
I remember my pregnancy with Oliver. I was tired all the time. I had morning sickness the first trimester, but it wasn't terrible. I remember thinking that morning sickness puking and being sick puking were vastly different. The morning sickness was just a nuisance that I wanted to get over first thing in the morning and then move on with my day. After the first trimester I only got sick a few times. I remember thinking that I had an easy pregnancy, it was, at least, easier than I had expected it to be.
Then he was born, and while many people exclaimed that I had such an easy baby, and I tended to agree with them, there were many moments that were not easy at all. I remember that I struggled to keep the house clean, and food made. I was still tired all the time, even if all we did was sit around all day together. Focusing on another's needs 24/7 is exhausting.
Life got a little easier around the time he turned 1, but we were already pregnant with Wynter by then. The exhaustion of early pregnancy set in again, the morning sickness with Wynter was much more like all day nausea. Yet, I felt more energetic and on top of things than I had while pregnant with Oliver. The end of that second pregnancy got bad as I developed Symphysis Pubic Dysfunction and it hurt to stand, move certain ways, or even walk sometimes. Not just hurt, but pain to the point of my knees buckling under me. I also began to fear that Oliver would feel unloved once my attention had to be split between 2 children, especially since he wasn't talking at this point and we weren't sure how much he understood what we said.
When Wynter was born... well, an amazing thing happened. God gave me extra love, extra strength, extra everything I needed to faithfully serve him by tending to these two wonderful children. I definitely still struggle most days to find the energy and patience to deal with life, but I can end a day having done nothing but feed my children and play with them and I know I've pleased God.
God has increased my strength even as life has gotten more complicated with Oliver's diagnosis. He's increased patience, understanding, grace, strength, and anything I need in order to serve my family. He's given me wisdom to make choices, and to seek help when needed. He's not failed me in this yet, and I know He never will.
Someday, not now, but someday soon we want more children. I can't wait! I don't fear that I won't have enough to give because I've seen how God gives more to me so that I can give more to my children. God has not failed me yet, and I know He won't fail me ever. When our family multiplies God will not fail to give me everything I need to give to my family, even if some days that is nothing more than my attention and love.
Monday, August 12, 2013
The Homeschooling Choice: Part 3
Reason #4
Flexibility.
While I believe that a routine, and a consistent schedule are helpful for Oliver, there are days where the needs of the day require a change in routine. Sometimes those needs are Oliver's own needs. For example, today he was ready to start school an hour earlier than we started all last week. While I did stretch his patience a little, we ended up starting at 8:20am instead of 9am.
There will be days where I am sick and just cannot go anywhere or do anything; days where Wynter is needier than usual, or fussier, and the school day can be adjusted for that. These are things we'd have to push through if Oliver was in public school, but at home we can assess the day and plan accordingly.
We also have the option of doing fun outings while other kids are in school. Trips to the zoo, or the park, or the Children's Museum, are all easier to do when they are less crowded during the week.
Reason #5
The joy of watching my children learn and grow.
Just today Wynter strung beads on pipe cleaner with Oliver and I. I didn't know she could do that, and I might not have given her the task if I hadn't first given it to Oliver. Then, a bit later, Oliver and I were focused on some workbook tasks, the idea is for me to tell him what to color with a crayon and he is to follow the direction and correctly identify what I've asked him to. Normally he'll scribble lightly on the picture or letter or number, but today, out of nowhere, he circled every item I asked him to identify. If I was not the one teaching him I may not have had the joy of being the first one to witness this.
Flexibility.
While I believe that a routine, and a consistent schedule are helpful for Oliver, there are days where the needs of the day require a change in routine. Sometimes those needs are Oliver's own needs. For example, today he was ready to start school an hour earlier than we started all last week. While I did stretch his patience a little, we ended up starting at 8:20am instead of 9am.
There will be days where I am sick and just cannot go anywhere or do anything; days where Wynter is needier than usual, or fussier, and the school day can be adjusted for that. These are things we'd have to push through if Oliver was in public school, but at home we can assess the day and plan accordingly.
We also have the option of doing fun outings while other kids are in school. Trips to the zoo, or the park, or the Children's Museum, are all easier to do when they are less crowded during the week.
Reason #5
The joy of watching my children learn and grow.
Just today Wynter strung beads on pipe cleaner with Oliver and I. I didn't know she could do that, and I might not have given her the task if I hadn't first given it to Oliver. Then, a bit later, Oliver and I were focused on some workbook tasks, the idea is for me to tell him what to color with a crayon and he is to follow the direction and correctly identify what I've asked him to. Normally he'll scribble lightly on the picture or letter or number, but today, out of nowhere, he circled every item I asked him to identify. If I was not the one teaching him I may not have had the joy of being the first one to witness this.
Saturday, August 10, 2013
Motherhood (with little children) Reality:
There's this fantasy that I had before kids, even before getting married, about what it would be like to be a wife and a mother. I imagined that I would have a tidy and clean home every day; I would cook elaborate meals that were well balanced and on the table for my husband when he walked in the door every evening; I would be able to spend time getting ready for each day, taking a shower, doing my hair, putting on make-up, and dressing in well chosen outfits. This fantasy showed me smiling all the time, with children and a happy husband, and a picture perfect life. I don't know why I bought into this fantasy when it's common knowledge that real life is nothing like that, but I did. I was sorely disappointed.
Real life with small children (because that's all the experience I have so far) is messy, dirty, smelly, and full of quickly thrown together meals. It's got as many tears and unhappy faces as it does smiling, happy faces. I haven't dressed in anything other than jeans and a t-shirt for a very long time, and I can't guarantee that every single day has me wearing clean clothes, or any clothes for that matter (as I write this post I sit at the computer in a tank top and undies). This week we ate McDonalds for dinner twice, and not because we wanted to.
 |
| This is pretty close to my reality, minus 3 children and the pregnant belly. |
The above pictures... that is my reality. Those are real pictures of my home. Those kitchen sink pictures, they don't even include the dishes piled on the counters and stove top, nor do they show the fact that the kitchen had been quickly building up to that sort of mess for a full week. The pictures of the living room, those messes were made within the course of a few hours. My kids wake up at 6am most days, by 9am the house can look like that. If I try to pick it up at some point during the day, it gets destroyed again within minutes. Our bathroom is gated off, and the amount of time actually spent in the bathroom is miniscule, which means that although it can quickly get messy, it might not get cleaned more than once every 2 weeks. No joke. I'm not really proud of that, and I'd like to be better about it, but that is our current reality.
I know there are moms out there, new moms, who don't understand why they can't seem to keep their house clean, or cook a meal that is more than one dish (casseroles and stews are my friends). Maybe you feel like you're failing at this mom thing. I know that I have cried over these feelings and thoughts many times. I've even thought that my husband deserves someone better than me, someone who can be a better wife and mother than I. I want to tell you right now, you have to let go of that fantasy. It's not real. That fantasy is based on a snapshot of someone else's life. A snapshot. I could take a million photos of our clean house, and our well dressed children, but those are literally seconds from our life and they tell a fraction of the story. I could take many, many more photos of mussed up children running around in nothing but a diaper, a messy house, and me in the background looking tired, messy, and frazzled. Those pictures would tell you about 90% of the story. I don't know if it's shame over the supposed failure, or simply a desire to put a mask over reality, but it is hard to find moms who talk about real life in their home. Even I like to brush over the mess most of the time. However, being one of those new moms who felt like a total failure, and thought every other mom had it together, I want to share my life so that you can find comfort in the knowledge that you are not alone. You are not a failure, I promise.
I want to end by recommending some books that helped me realize the truth:
Hope for the Weary Mom
Loving the Little Years
No More Perfect Moms
All of those books are written by Christian women who are honest and real about the struggles of motherhood. I definitely recommend them.
Stay strong, busy and weary mom!
Thursday, August 8, 2013
The Homeschooling Choice: Part 2
Reason #3
Homeschooling will allow me to give more time to Wynter than if I am running Oliver to and from school 4 days a week. It allows the focus to be more on family, than putting Oliver as the center.
If Oliver was our only child, our choice might have been different. However, he is not. Wynter deserves as much love and attention as Oliver. These early toddler years that she is in are crucial to her development. I realize that for some there is not a choice, this is their reality because their circumstances require it. We all do the best we can with what we have, and I imagine that the parents who do have to drive around this much with their kids have made choices that are best for their kids and their family. What I mean to say is, if this is your reality, no guilt! You are sacrificing a lot for your kids and I have the deepest respect for all parents who desire only to do what is best for their kids and their family. I am thankful for the ability to make the choice we have.
Homeschooling is going to allow me to keep Wynter involved as much as possible. I think that's best for our family right now. I want to give the best to both my children as I love them equally, and we believe that homeschooling is the best way to do that.
Homeschooling will allow me to give more time to Wynter than if I am running Oliver to and from school 4 days a week. It allows the focus to be more on family, than putting Oliver as the center.
If Oliver was our only child, our choice might have been different. However, he is not. Wynter deserves as much love and attention as Oliver. These early toddler years that she is in are crucial to her development. I realize that for some there is not a choice, this is their reality because their circumstances require it. We all do the best we can with what we have, and I imagine that the parents who do have to drive around this much with their kids have made choices that are best for their kids and their family. What I mean to say is, if this is your reality, no guilt! You are sacrificing a lot for your kids and I have the deepest respect for all parents who desire only to do what is best for their kids and their family. I am thankful for the ability to make the choice we have.
Homeschooling is going to allow me to keep Wynter involved as much as possible. I think that's best for our family right now. I want to give the best to both my children as I love them equally, and we believe that homeschooling is the best way to do that.
Monday, August 5, 2013
The Homeschooling Choice: Part 1
I had this long, detailed, post planned out. I meant to explain all our considerations, and the depth of thought that went into our choice, but as I was writing I felt less and less like I needed to explain our choice that much. I decided it would be a lot less time consuming to just share a reason or two throughout several blog posts.
Reason #1:
At home Oliver can receive one on one attention that is tailored to him, in an environment that he is already familiar with and comfortable in, from a teacher (myself) that truly desires only the best for him.
That statement is fairly vague on purpose, it practically covers all of our reasons in one sentence. If that one sentence above is true, there ought to be no question that homeschooling is best for Oliver right now. We believe it to be true, which is why we have no doubt that we've made the right decision.
Reason #2:
We have chosen for me to stay at home for a reason, to be with our children. I want to be the one they learn from in the early years, the one they look to for guidance. I believe that they will gain confidence and independence as they grow older by knowing that they can find safety and comfort in their parents. With Oliver at 3 years old, I don't feel comfortable handing off the main duty of his learning to someone I don't know, and is not as invested in his life and learning.
I'm so blessed to be able to stay at home with our kids, and I feel that Oliver's diagnosis does not negate my ability as his mother to provide the early learning that he needs, that any child needs. Yes, his early learning needs to be very specific, but it's also my belief that not every child learns the same way and all learning ought to be as tailored to a child as possible. I'm also thankful that I am able to learn how to teach Oliver by sitting in on his therapy sessions, and having honest discussions with his therapists. I have learned so much from them!
Reason #1:
At home Oliver can receive one on one attention that is tailored to him, in an environment that he is already familiar with and comfortable in, from a teacher (myself) that truly desires only the best for him.
That statement is fairly vague on purpose, it practically covers all of our reasons in one sentence. If that one sentence above is true, there ought to be no question that homeschooling is best for Oliver right now. We believe it to be true, which is why we have no doubt that we've made the right decision.
Reason #2:
We have chosen for me to stay at home for a reason, to be with our children. I want to be the one they learn from in the early years, the one they look to for guidance. I believe that they will gain confidence and independence as they grow older by knowing that they can find safety and comfort in their parents. With Oliver at 3 years old, I don't feel comfortable handing off the main duty of his learning to someone I don't know, and is not as invested in his life and learning.
I'm so blessed to be able to stay at home with our kids, and I feel that Oliver's diagnosis does not negate my ability as his mother to provide the early learning that he needs, that any child needs. Yes, his early learning needs to be very specific, but it's also my belief that not every child learns the same way and all learning ought to be as tailored to a child as possible. I'm also thankful that I am able to learn how to teach Oliver by sitting in on his therapy sessions, and having honest discussions with his therapists. I have learned so much from them!
Thursday, July 25, 2013
When the joy of others is painful...
This could also be titled, excessively long, as "When the joy of others is painful, and the trials of others seem small".
This morning I woke up angry and bitter, and cranky because of it. A few days ago I came across a mother's joyful statement on Facebook, celebrating her 2 year old proclaiming, "I love you Mommy!". She was right to celebrate, and at the time I smiled because I could imagine how lovely it must have been. And then envy and bitterness started slowly creeping into my heart. It didn't happen right away. The post stuck with me over the course of the week and slowly began to turn into a source of bitterness, culminating this morning when I woke up angry, selfishly so. I don't know when I will be greeted with such a beautiful phrase voluntarily coming from my children's mouth.
Adding to this was another comment about a mother getting stares for something that is really a fantastic and helpful part of parenting for some: babywearing. I love babywearing, and I've gotten my own stares, my own offers of help, and I just smile because I can only imagine what they are thinking. I don't think this post was at all anything other than amusement over the situation, but I couldn't help thinking, "Yes, well the stares I get because my 3 year old is screaming and kicking, hitting my face, and thrashing about in my arms because he doesn't want to leave are worse. You don't know the meaning of being gawked at." My thoughts were not kind, they were angry and bitter and selfish, and completely misplaced since she wasn't even complaining.
I am thankful for my son, and my daughter. What they do or don't say, or how they act, doesn't change how much I love them and thank God for them every day. However, jealousy for what I don't have creeps in from time to time. I can only imagine what it is like to have your toddler, upon seeing you in the morning, say "I love you Mommy!", and I only wish that the stares I get in public are from simply wearing my children in a carrier. I wish my children were constantly asking "Why?", "What's that?", or saying "Mama, mama, mama!".
One of the verses I cling to is Romans 8:25 (NIV),
And pray for it constantly.
I also thought of this verse as I was coming out of my pouty crankiness this morning, Romans 12:15 (ESV),
It is right for me to rejoice in the celebrations of others. It is also right for me to remember those whose trials are far more than my own, and different, but still deep trials. (Right now, the depth of my selfishness is horrifying.)
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 (NASB) admonishes me to
When left to my own thoughts, selfish ones at that, I become full of self-pity. I begin to think, "God has given me too much." and "I can't handle this, I am not strong enough." Jealousy towards other moms who aren't dealing with what I am dealing with begins to fill my heart and a scowl makes my face look cross and ugly. This past week I have felt the weight of expectations and obligations, and they have seemed insurmountable. I don't want to be this strong and so I refrained from seeking comfort and strength from God. The things I face, however, are not going to go away simply because I want life to be easier, and so this morning I stopped being stubborn and turned to God's word for encouragement.
Psalms is always a great place to find honest truth about weariness and despondency and gives me words I can pray. Psalms 119: 25-28 (NASB) says,
And so many other verses about God infusing us with strength when we are weak have encouraged me this morning. Here's a list of them, in case you too are feeling downtrodden and need encouragement:
Psalm 22:19
Psalm 28:6-8
Psalm 46:1-3
Isaiah 33:2
Isaiah 40:27-31
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
Philippians 4:13
Life still looms over me like a dark and terrifying cloud, but I cling to hope and the strength of God this morning.
This morning I woke up angry and bitter, and cranky because of it. A few days ago I came across a mother's joyful statement on Facebook, celebrating her 2 year old proclaiming, "I love you Mommy!". She was right to celebrate, and at the time I smiled because I could imagine how lovely it must have been. And then envy and bitterness started slowly creeping into my heart. It didn't happen right away. The post stuck with me over the course of the week and slowly began to turn into a source of bitterness, culminating this morning when I woke up angry, selfishly so. I don't know when I will be greeted with such a beautiful phrase voluntarily coming from my children's mouth.
Adding to this was another comment about a mother getting stares for something that is really a fantastic and helpful part of parenting for some: babywearing. I love babywearing, and I've gotten my own stares, my own offers of help, and I just smile because I can only imagine what they are thinking. I don't think this post was at all anything other than amusement over the situation, but I couldn't help thinking, "Yes, well the stares I get because my 3 year old is screaming and kicking, hitting my face, and thrashing about in my arms because he doesn't want to leave are worse. You don't know the meaning of being gawked at." My thoughts were not kind, they were angry and bitter and selfish, and completely misplaced since she wasn't even complaining.
I am thankful for my son, and my daughter. What they do or don't say, or how they act, doesn't change how much I love them and thank God for them every day. However, jealousy for what I don't have creeps in from time to time. I can only imagine what it is like to have your toddler, upon seeing you in the morning, say "I love you Mommy!", and I only wish that the stares I get in public are from simply wearing my children in a carrier. I wish my children were constantly asking "Why?", "What's that?", or saying "Mama, mama, mama!".
One of the verses I cling to is Romans 8:25 (NIV),
"But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently."
And pray for it constantly.
I also thought of this verse as I was coming out of my pouty crankiness this morning, Romans 12:15 (ESV),
"Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep."
It is right for me to rejoice in the celebrations of others. It is also right for me to remember those whose trials are far more than my own, and different, but still deep trials. (Right now, the depth of my selfishness is horrifying.)
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 (NASB) admonishes me to
"Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."
When left to my own thoughts, selfish ones at that, I become full of self-pity. I begin to think, "God has given me too much." and "I can't handle this, I am not strong enough." Jealousy towards other moms who aren't dealing with what I am dealing with begins to fill my heart and a scowl makes my face look cross and ugly. This past week I have felt the weight of expectations and obligations, and they have seemed insurmountable. I don't want to be this strong and so I refrained from seeking comfort and strength from God. The things I face, however, are not going to go away simply because I want life to be easier, and so this morning I stopped being stubborn and turned to God's word for encouragement.
Psalms is always a great place to find honest truth about weariness and despondency and gives me words I can pray. Psalms 119: 25-28 (NASB) says,
"My soul cleaves to the dust;
Revive me according to Your word.
I have told of my ways, and You have answered me;
Teach me Your Statutes.
Make me understand the way of Your precepts,
So I will meditate on Your wonders.
My soul weeps because of grief;
Strengthen me according to Your word."
And so many other verses about God infusing us with strength when we are weak have encouraged me this morning. Here's a list of them, in case you too are feeling downtrodden and need encouragement:
Psalm 22:19
Psalm 28:6-8
Psalm 46:1-3
Isaiah 33:2
Isaiah 40:27-31
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
Philippians 4:13
Life still looms over me like a dark and terrifying cloud, but I cling to hope and the strength of God this morning.
Thursday, July 18, 2013
Into His Eyes
Today was a particularly rough day. Transitions do not come easily for Oliver, and having no control over what is happening makes it 100 times worse for him. We had a morning that required fast transitions, and Oliver had no control over what we were doing and when we were leaving a location (leaving is the hardest for him). The morning ended in tears all around, and a heartbroken Mama.
Despite the rough day, or perhaps because of it, this song (shared on a Facebook group I'm in) had me crying so hard.
When Oliver looks at me, looks me in my eyes, it's as if I'm able to see inside to his soul. I can see that little boy that is trapped by delayed speech, an inability to express himself, and an inability to understand his himself and others as fully as he would like.
This one snapshot of a glance my way says more than any words he could speak. I look at this picture and I know he loves deeply. I know he feels deeply. I know if he could speak, beautiful child-wise words would emerge, but it doesn't matter because I can see it all in this one glance. Wordless joy.
His actions, though subtle in comparison to his behavior during a burst of extreme emotion, also let me glimpse at his spirit. The little kisses, and armless hugs, and sweet tackles, and other little surprise moments are what keep me strong and gentle and resolved in the midst of his attacks fraught with deep and uncontrollable emotion. (I have my moments too, moments where I do not respond with a gentle voice and I deeply regret that. I am not perfect, though I would like to be.)
The above picture is a sweet image to many, but for me it brings tears of knowledge. The hug he is giving to the stone child is full of as much love and tenderness as the hugs he gives to Andrew, Wynter, and I. This is a picture of a child who loves so beautifully, and has so much grace... I would not trade that for anything in the whole world!
I love this little boy so very, very much.
Despite the rough day, or perhaps because of it, this song (shared on a Facebook group I'm in) had me crying so hard.
When Oliver looks at me, looks me in my eyes, it's as if I'm able to see inside to his soul. I can see that little boy that is trapped by delayed speech, an inability to express himself, and an inability to understand his himself and others as fully as he would like.
This one snapshot of a glance my way says more than any words he could speak. I look at this picture and I know he loves deeply. I know he feels deeply. I know if he could speak, beautiful child-wise words would emerge, but it doesn't matter because I can see it all in this one glance. Wordless joy.
His actions, though subtle in comparison to his behavior during a burst of extreme emotion, also let me glimpse at his spirit. The little kisses, and armless hugs, and sweet tackles, and other little surprise moments are what keep me strong and gentle and resolved in the midst of his attacks fraught with deep and uncontrollable emotion. (I have my moments too, moments where I do not respond with a gentle voice and I deeply regret that. I am not perfect, though I would like to be.)
The above picture is a sweet image to many, but for me it brings tears of knowledge. The hug he is giving to the stone child is full of as much love and tenderness as the hugs he gives to Andrew, Wynter, and I. This is a picture of a child who loves so beautifully, and has so much grace... I would not trade that for anything in the whole world!
I love this little boy so very, very much.
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Wynter
Lately most of my posts have been about Oliver, and I think that gives the impression that home life is all about Oliver too, but it's not. At the very beginning of even thinking about Autism as a diagnosis I read a lot about siblings as well. It became clear that siblings who develop typically (i.e. do not have Autism) often feel left out, or neglected in a way, and I knew from the beginning that I did not want Wynter to ever feel like that. In some ways Oliver does get more attention just from the simple fact that he has therapy and doctor appointments that are centered on him, but at home I try to ensure that Wynter is included in my interactions with Oliver when appropriate and receives some one on one attention from me daily.
Wynter is 18 months, almost 19 months, and the next 5 months are going to pass so quickly! I can't believe that she'll be 2 years old so soon, in a way it feels like just yesterday that she was a tiny newborn. Things are going pretty smoothly with her, and that leaves me with not much to say. When things are going well it seems as if there's nothing to talk about, and isn't that a sad predicament? For the most part her development is progressing as it should be, we're just a tad concerned about her speech and she's been evaluated by Early Intervention for that. We're waiting to hear the results.
Yesterday she signed "water", and she already signs "please". It's so cute to watch her catch on to signing like that! I know that technically you can begin to teach signs as early as 6 months, but neither of my kids were happy with me trying to physically help them make the sign. Wynter's current age seems to be the perfect time for her to learn signs as she can copy my movements on her own and she catches on pretty quickly.
***
I got pulled away from this post by children, and during the time away I received a phone call from Early Intervention regarding the results of Wynter's evaluations. According to AzEIP Wynter is only mildly delayed in speech, but not enough to receive services (they require a 50% delay to qualify). She's doing fantastically in all other areas, and our AzEIP representative said that she's "off the charts" in cognitive ability. That means she's very smart, and that sets her up for awesome learning capability.
I've learned a lot about teaching speech to children through Oliver's therapy sessions and so I'll do my best to use those with Wynter on my own. If she doesn't progress (which I believe she already is) we can resubmit a referral in 6 months for another evaluation. I would like to be able to increase her expressive language on my own enough that we no longer feel that she's behind at all.
She might also be getting ready for potty training. She hates when her diaper is wet and will try taking it off (sometimes she's successful), so we need to teach her the word "potty" and show her how to sit on the baby potty that we have. I think she's also almost ready for toddler bed. She's growing up way too fast for me!
Wynter is 18 months, almost 19 months, and the next 5 months are going to pass so quickly! I can't believe that she'll be 2 years old so soon, in a way it feels like just yesterday that she was a tiny newborn. Things are going pretty smoothly with her, and that leaves me with not much to say. When things are going well it seems as if there's nothing to talk about, and isn't that a sad predicament? For the most part her development is progressing as it should be, we're just a tad concerned about her speech and she's been evaluated by Early Intervention for that. We're waiting to hear the results.
Yesterday she signed "water", and she already signs "please". It's so cute to watch her catch on to signing like that! I know that technically you can begin to teach signs as early as 6 months, but neither of my kids were happy with me trying to physically help them make the sign. Wynter's current age seems to be the perfect time for her to learn signs as she can copy my movements on her own and she catches on pretty quickly.
***
I got pulled away from this post by children, and during the time away I received a phone call from Early Intervention regarding the results of Wynter's evaluations. According to AzEIP Wynter is only mildly delayed in speech, but not enough to receive services (they require a 50% delay to qualify). She's doing fantastically in all other areas, and our AzEIP representative said that she's "off the charts" in cognitive ability. That means she's very smart, and that sets her up for awesome learning capability.
I've learned a lot about teaching speech to children through Oliver's therapy sessions and so I'll do my best to use those with Wynter on my own. If she doesn't progress (which I believe she already is) we can resubmit a referral in 6 months for another evaluation. I would like to be able to increase her expressive language on my own enough that we no longer feel that she's behind at all.
She might also be getting ready for potty training. She hates when her diaper is wet and will try taking it off (sometimes she's successful), so we need to teach her the word "potty" and show her how to sit on the baby potty that we have. I think she's also almost ready for toddler bed. She's growing up way too fast for me!
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Attachment Parenting and a New Project!
I've started a new project with a friend and have been reluctant to share it here simply because of what we named it: AP Momtography. AP stands for Attachment Parenting. Attachment Parenting often comes with a stigma of elite-ism when viewed from the outside, and I certainly don't want to come across at an elitist. In my mind, attachment parenting is doing what is best for your babies and your family. That won't look the same for each family, so where does the stigma of elite-ism come from?
I think that all parents, with all different styles of parenting, have a tendency to believe that their way is best. Maybe it comes from telling ourselves that what we are doing as parents is best for us and our kids, or maybe it's just the desire to be "right". Either way, we end up judging parents who aren't doing things the way we think they should. We might not even realize we're doing it until someone else does it to us. I try very hard to not be judgmental, but I am guilty of it (and definitely not proud of it).
So, what is Attachment Parenting to me? This is a question I've been asking myself a lot since starting this new project. There are some big names attached to this style of parenting. Dr. Sears, who I love, is one of them. He has a whole section dedicated to AP on his website. There are certain parenting choices that make up AP, but in my eyes these aren't necessarily the essence of this style. I like that Dr. Sears points out that AP is an approach to parenting, and that it's simply a place to start. You don't have to breastfeed, babywear, and co-sleep to be an attachment parent. It's more about bonding with your children, the relationship between parent and child. In our home it's also about maintaining a good marriage because a good marriage, a good relationship between me and my husband, is something that will stick with our children the rest of their lives and it sets the tone for our family dynamic.
I don't normally associate this label with myself openly because there can be a lof of disdain for it, and a lot of assumptions about my parenting and I'd rather my parenting style just speaks for itself. I believe I have a good relationship with my husband and my kids. I try to build these relationships up every day. Some days I fail. Other days I succeed. I am not perfect, and I think I try to keep that the main focus. I am not a perfect parent, but I am a parent who loves her children and always desires and strives to demonstrate that love for them in many different ways.
On that note, I welcome you to join me over at AP Momtography, if only for the lovely photographs we are posting!
I think that all parents, with all different styles of parenting, have a tendency to believe that their way is best. Maybe it comes from telling ourselves that what we are doing as parents is best for us and our kids, or maybe it's just the desire to be "right". Either way, we end up judging parents who aren't doing things the way we think they should. We might not even realize we're doing it until someone else does it to us. I try very hard to not be judgmental, but I am guilty of it (and definitely not proud of it).
So, what is Attachment Parenting to me? This is a question I've been asking myself a lot since starting this new project. There are some big names attached to this style of parenting. Dr. Sears, who I love, is one of them. He has a whole section dedicated to AP on his website. There are certain parenting choices that make up AP, but in my eyes these aren't necessarily the essence of this style. I like that Dr. Sears points out that AP is an approach to parenting, and that it's simply a place to start. You don't have to breastfeed, babywear, and co-sleep to be an attachment parent. It's more about bonding with your children, the relationship between parent and child. In our home it's also about maintaining a good marriage because a good marriage, a good relationship between me and my husband, is something that will stick with our children the rest of their lives and it sets the tone for our family dynamic.
I don't normally associate this label with myself openly because there can be a lof of disdain for it, and a lot of assumptions about my parenting and I'd rather my parenting style just speaks for itself. I believe I have a good relationship with my husband and my kids. I try to build these relationships up every day. Some days I fail. Other days I succeed. I am not perfect, and I think I try to keep that the main focus. I am not a perfect parent, but I am a parent who loves her children and always desires and strives to demonstrate that love for them in many different ways.
On that note, I welcome you to join me over at AP Momtography, if only for the lovely photographs we are posting!
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Just A Mom. Just A Kid.
Yesterday was, I think, the first time I identified as the parent of a special needs child. It was overwhelming, shocking, mind-blowing; all those emotions I didn't feel when the word "Autism" was spoken, and a few that I did. I couldn't help but think that this was not what I signed up for when I decided I wanted to be a mom. These were not the struggles I thought I would face. Then, after going through all that, I thought, "I have a child with special needs, undeniably, but I am just a mom and he is just a kid." That was really a profound moment for me. Now, I'm not trying to belittle the incredible difficulties that come with being a parent of a child with special needs, but sometimes that "label", Parent of a Special Needs Child (or whatever variation is used), can be isolating. I know when I voiced it for the first time yesterday, I felt like suddenly I was not the same as other mom's. I felt different, set apart, and it was not a good feeling.
I am just a mom. Yes, I have a child with special needs, but does that define me as a parent? No! I deal with regular tantrums too. I love my kids just the same as any other mom. I make mistakes. I yell, and then tearfully apologize. I get them McDonald's. I face many difficulties that other moms might not, but I also face many of the same. And there are moms who face difficulties that I don't, and will probably never have to face. Sure, I could use some special support and understanding in certain areas, but it's my firm belief that every parent needs all the support and understanding they can get.
"This is not what I signed up for when I decided to be a mom." That thought was not about the challenges I face, but about the isolation I feared. In reality, I am not isolated. I have amazing friends and family that have stepped up to help, to pray, and to encourage. I am even making new friends who are so understanding and encouraging, just lovely all around. I don't think they see me as a parent with that extra label "of a special needs child".
On the flip side, there are certain things I seek out or do differently specifically because Oliver is a special needs child. (Wow. I think I really hate that label!) I might look out for toys that touch on areas that Oliver needs extra attention. I look for books that are specific to the challenges we face. My parenting techniques are unique because our situation is unique. So, yes, there are some things that are not really typical in our home and our family life. Then again, isn't every family unique, facing challenges that are unique to them, and looking for answers that are specific to their own situation? So we aren't all that different after all.
I am just a mom. Oliver is just a kid.
I am just a mom. Yes, I have a child with special needs, but does that define me as a parent? No! I deal with regular tantrums too. I love my kids just the same as any other mom. I make mistakes. I yell, and then tearfully apologize. I get them McDonald's. I face many difficulties that other moms might not, but I also face many of the same. And there are moms who face difficulties that I don't, and will probably never have to face. Sure, I could use some special support and understanding in certain areas, but it's my firm belief that every parent needs all the support and understanding they can get.
"This is not what I signed up for when I decided to be a mom." That thought was not about the challenges I face, but about the isolation I feared. In reality, I am not isolated. I have amazing friends and family that have stepped up to help, to pray, and to encourage. I am even making new friends who are so understanding and encouraging, just lovely all around. I don't think they see me as a parent with that extra label "of a special needs child".
On the flip side, there are certain things I seek out or do differently specifically because Oliver is a special needs child. (Wow. I think I really hate that label!) I might look out for toys that touch on areas that Oliver needs extra attention. I look for books that are specific to the challenges we face. My parenting techniques are unique because our situation is unique. So, yes, there are some things that are not really typical in our home and our family life. Then again, isn't every family unique, facing challenges that are unique to them, and looking for answers that are specific to their own situation? So we aren't all that different after all.
I am just a mom. Oliver is just a kid.
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
My Parenting Decisions: An Installment About Being a New Mom
I'm not having another baby anytime soon. We're not currently ready for one, financially or emotionally. We have a lot going on with Oliver right now, and Wynter is developing into her own amazing little person, and all of it is keeping us pretty busy. However, a few wonderful ladies I know are either pregnant or have a brand new baby, and it's got me thinking about items I would recommend to a new mom, and overall advice I'd give that might make life easier. So, I thought I'd revive this series, beginning with some general advice for new mom's that isn't often given or thought of.
I think it's important to know the issues that will affect you greatest, research them, read about personal experiences or talk to family and friends about what they found to be the best for them, and then be ready to change your mind even if you think you know exactly what you want. My decisions changed drastically from child to child, and that's okay. It's a process, figuring out how to be a parent, and it's constantly changing. If something isn't working, don't be afraid to try something new and figure out what does work for you and your family. You'll be doing that all through parenthood.
- Starting a baby registry can be very overwhelming. There are so many different baby items that seem necessary, and then you've also got brands to worry about, and every brand claims they're the best. In my opinion there are a few essential items with which brand should matter, aside from those brand is more a matter of opinion and preference. Here are the things with which I believe brand does matter:
- Car seats (Some are truly safer and more reliable than others. Do your research.)
- Breast Pumps (Check the La Leche League website for recommendations.)
- Baby Carriers (Check out Babywearing International for more information.)
- Along the same lines, following a registry guideline list might be helpful. You can google "baby registry checklist" and find many good ones. That way you can check things off as you add them and you won't forget anything. Add anything you really want, even if you might not really need it. Friends with kids will likely get you what you need, like diapers, wipes, clippers, onesies, etc; friends without kids are more likely to buy cute baby outfits, blankets, stuffed animals, etc. Family and close friends are more likely to buy the more expensive items. (This is all simply my experience.)
- There is so much anticipation regarding the arrival of baby, the after baby arrives can be overlooked. As a new mom, you'll be very tired and you'll need to take it easy for at least a few weeks. You'll need people bringing you meals, or have meals in the freezer that can be quickly popped in a pot, slow cooker, or the oven. It is more than okay to ask family and friends to help with housework, especially if you're getting behind (which is pretty likely those first few weeks to months).
- Are you planning on breastfeeding? Know ahead of time that it can be easy for some lucky Mamas, but for many it is actually much more difficult to get going. If you don't have people around you to answer your questions, or help you when you need it, you might turn to formula. If you do turn to formula you might feel like a failure, or guilty for giving up on breastfeeding. Please try to remember that whether your baby gets breastmilk or formula your baby is getting fed.
- There has been some recent negativity regarding co-sleeping, more specifically bed-sharing. I wrote about this before so you can refer back to that post for my personal experience, or you can check out information from Dr. James McKenna. You will find medical professionals who are adamantly against co-sleeping/bed-sharing too. Personally, I believe it can be practiced safely. It's really a personal decision. Don't let anyone make you feel bad one way or the other. Choose what works best for you and your family, and be open to changing your mind because you can't know what will end up working best until after baby is home with you.
I think it's important to know the issues that will affect you greatest, research them, read about personal experiences or talk to family and friends about what they found to be the best for them, and then be ready to change your mind even if you think you know exactly what you want. My decisions changed drastically from child to child, and that's okay. It's a process, figuring out how to be a parent, and it's constantly changing. If something isn't working, don't be afraid to try something new and figure out what does work for you and your family. You'll be doing that all through parenthood.
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
This IS our normal.
I started reading a sample for a book on Autism, and it starts by saying that Autism changes everything in your life. This was a light bulb moment for me. People around us have asked how we are coping with this new part of our life. They wonder if we are shocked, or overwhelmed, or scared, or sad, and I feel like that ought to be our reaction, but it's not.
Our life has been different from the beginning. Of course with every milestone and every bit of growing up that Oliver does our lives all change, but this is normal for any family with any sort of child. For us, Oliver is our normal. Nothing has changed with this pre-diagnosis/impending diagnosis except for an increase in knowledge and understanding, and doors opening for assistance.
Of course it is overwhelming, but life has been overwhelming for a long time. The increase in amount of doctor visits, and information, it is overwhelming, but the diagnosis itself is not. It's a relief. It's a relief to have a focus, a reason, an abundance of information and support. I feel like this makes our story a bit different.
Because Oliver is our normal, Wynter is full of surprises. It's impossible to describe the first time she said, "What's that?" and pointed at an object. She asks for information all day long, every day. And the first time she said, "Bye Dada!", I almost cried! I almost don't trust myself to know for sure that she is talking, but I also can't deny that I hear these phrases, and new words consistently. I'll be even more excited as her pronunciation becomes clearer, but until then I'm content to keep listening and hearing her speech develop.
I had always promised myself that I would do my best not to compare my children, but I've learned, especially now, how impossible that is. I still try not to compare negatively, but with two children so different from each other, how can I not compare them to some degree? Even in the way they ask for attention, they are different. Wynter comes to us and lifts her arms up, or climbs into our lap, or rests her head against our legs; Oliver hits, kicks, pushes, or throws things in order to get a hug or a cuddle because he doesn't understand the appropriate way to ask for attention (we're working on this).
Autism does change everything in your life, but it has been changing our life before we even knew it. The newer changes have been good ones. We've gained insight into Oliver we never had before. We've learned to see things around us with a different perspective. We're not living completely in the dark, at a loss for how to relate to Oliver. It's still a challenge, and I do still often feel at a loss, but the challenges are not that new, and the feeling lost is not as often. This is how Autism has changed our lives.
Our life has been different from the beginning. Of course with every milestone and every bit of growing up that Oliver does our lives all change, but this is normal for any family with any sort of child. For us, Oliver is our normal. Nothing has changed with this pre-diagnosis/impending diagnosis except for an increase in knowledge and understanding, and doors opening for assistance.
Of course it is overwhelming, but life has been overwhelming for a long time. The increase in amount of doctor visits, and information, it is overwhelming, but the diagnosis itself is not. It's a relief. It's a relief to have a focus, a reason, an abundance of information and support. I feel like this makes our story a bit different.
Because Oliver is our normal, Wynter is full of surprises. It's impossible to describe the first time she said, "What's that?" and pointed at an object. She asks for information all day long, every day. And the first time she said, "Bye Dada!", I almost cried! I almost don't trust myself to know for sure that she is talking, but I also can't deny that I hear these phrases, and new words consistently. I'll be even more excited as her pronunciation becomes clearer, but until then I'm content to keep listening and hearing her speech develop.
I had always promised myself that I would do my best not to compare my children, but I've learned, especially now, how impossible that is. I still try not to compare negatively, but with two children so different from each other, how can I not compare them to some degree? Even in the way they ask for attention, they are different. Wynter comes to us and lifts her arms up, or climbs into our lap, or rests her head against our legs; Oliver hits, kicks, pushes, or throws things in order to get a hug or a cuddle because he doesn't understand the appropriate way to ask for attention (we're working on this).
Autism does change everything in your life, but it has been changing our life before we even knew it. The newer changes have been good ones. We've gained insight into Oliver we never had before. We've learned to see things around us with a different perspective. We're not living completely in the dark, at a loss for how to relate to Oliver. It's still a challenge, and I do still often feel at a loss, but the challenges are not that new, and the feeling lost is not as often. This is how Autism has changed our lives.
Can it really be?
Oliver turned 3 years old on May 15th. It seems impossible that it's already been 3 years since his birth.
Look at the happiness on this little man's face! He is so full of love, and life, and joy, that he daily fills our lives with it.
Saturday, May 18, 2013
Books, books, and more books!
There are some really great books about parenting and motherhood, about being a wife, and about being a woman of God, for $5.00 or less on Amazon Kindle today. I've read a few of them, and own most of them now (I bought 5 of these today).
I don't ever do posts like this because this blog is more about my family, and there are plenty of other sites dedicated to letting others know about these deals, but there are so many good ones today that I just have to share! And just so you know, I get nothing from sharing these links.
1. A Mom After God's Own Heart by Elizabeth George $1.99
2. Don't Make Me Count to Three by Ginger Plowman $1.99
3. Feminine Appeal by Carolyn Mahaney $3.99
4. Beyond Bath Time: Embracing Motherhood as a Sacred Role by Erin Davis $1.99
5. Comforts from Romans: Celebrating the Gospel One Day at a Time by Elyse Fitzpatrick $3.99
6. Disciplines of a Godly Woman by Barbara Hughes $4.99
7. God, Marriage, and Family by Andreas J. Kostenberger $4.61
8. Hope for the Weary Mom: Where God Meets You in Your Mess by Brooke McGlothlin and Stacy Thacker $4.99
And I want to just highlight two others that are $6.00 each, about motherhood, written by one of my favorite authors:
Fit to Burst: Abundance, Mayhem, and the Joys of Motherhood by Rachel Jankovic
Loving the Little Years by Rachel Jankovic
I also want to remind you that if you can download a Kindle app for your iPhone, or a Kindle reader on your computer for free. You don't have to own a Kindle to take advantage of this!
(I totally sound like a commercial, I know, but seriously, these are good books by great authors and the prices are pretty much amazing!)
I don't ever do posts like this because this blog is more about my family, and there are plenty of other sites dedicated to letting others know about these deals, but there are so many good ones today that I just have to share! And just so you know, I get nothing from sharing these links.
1. A Mom After God's Own Heart by Elizabeth George $1.99
2. Don't Make Me Count to Three by Ginger Plowman $1.99
3. Feminine Appeal by Carolyn Mahaney $3.99
4. Beyond Bath Time: Embracing Motherhood as a Sacred Role by Erin Davis $1.99
5. Comforts from Romans: Celebrating the Gospel One Day at a Time by Elyse Fitzpatrick $3.99
6. Disciplines of a Godly Woman by Barbara Hughes $4.99
7. God, Marriage, and Family by Andreas J. Kostenberger $4.61
8. Hope for the Weary Mom: Where God Meets You in Your Mess by Brooke McGlothlin and Stacy Thacker $4.99
And I want to just highlight two others that are $6.00 each, about motherhood, written by one of my favorite authors:
Fit to Burst: Abundance, Mayhem, and the Joys of Motherhood by Rachel Jankovic
Loving the Little Years by Rachel Jankovic
I also want to remind you that if you can download a Kindle app for your iPhone, or a Kindle reader on your computer for free. You don't have to own a Kindle to take advantage of this!
(I totally sound like a commercial, I know, but seriously, these are good books by great authors and the prices are pretty much amazing!)
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Broken
I find myself on the verge of tears this morning.
The house is quiet, Wynter is napping and Oliver is out
having fun with Grandma Sandy, and Grandpa James. I have some of my favorite
music playing; The Civil Wars, The Lumineers, Iron & Wine, Mumford &
Sons, and Imagine Dragons. I’m slowly
sipping freshly brewed coffee. Laundry
has been folded and put away.
This
moment feels peaceful, quiet, still.
And suddenly I’m hit by how much I fail at this job of mine,
motherhood. It’s staggering, the depth
of my failure. I so often lack so much,
patience, forgiveness, peace, thankfulness…
Instead of speaking softly, I yell.
Instead of being full of grace, I get angry.
Instead of exhibiting patience, I am quickly irritated and
often snap at my children in frustration.
And I get stubborn and rebellious. In the midst of messy life, instead of
turning to God, I stubbornly turn away.
This quiet moment, however, God stepped in and whispered to me.
“Let me help you.” He said.
And I broke.
Oh how I need Him! I
am lost without him. So lost.
This quiet morning I’m turning back to Him, seeking His
love, His grace, His strength, His forgiveness. I’m so thankful for such a patient, forgiving, loving God.
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