A quick study in James

I wanted to share some verses from the book of James today that really encouraged me and are a good reminder to not rely on myself, but on God.

James 1:2-7

Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, ³ knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. ⁴ And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.
   ⁵ But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him. ⁶ But he must ask in faith without any doubting, for the one who doubts is like the surf of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind. ⁷ For that man ought not to expect that he will receive anything from the Lord, ⁸ being a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways. 

As this pregnancy draws to an end I find it harder and harder to be patient, to endure through the discomfort and the pain.  I have been whining about these hardships, complaining about how frustrating it is, devising plans to end this and give birth already!  The emotional hardships due to hormones are contributing to my general misery.  That I am to persevere with joy had been put entirely from my mind.

These trials have also made it difficult for me to be a mother to Oliver.  He finds it easy to run away from me when he knows he's in trouble, and because of how difficult it is to move I rarely go after him.  He has learned to take advantage of my slower movements, and other physical limitations.  I've found myself lamenting to Andrew often that I am at my wits end with Oliver and I don't know how to correct him, how to teach him to obey, and show him right from wrong.  Again, I have whined, complained, and cried over this, generally feeling frustrated and sorry for myself.

But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him.

How could I forget that God is who I should turn to for help?!  He alone can give me wisdom when I have none, and He will give it generously!  But I must remember to have faith that He will give me wisdom, because if I ask for it and don't believe that He will give it to me I am being double-minded, asking for what I do not believe I will receive.

So this is my prayer today:  God, please forgive me for looking to myself for answers and comfort, and for allowing myself to wallow in misery and self-pity when I did not find answers or comfort.  It is You alone who can provide me with the answers I seek, and the wisdom to know what to do.  Please help me to have joy in all my trials, and help me to persevere through them in a way that honors You.  I ask You for wisdom in parenting Oliver, especially during this time when my body gets in my way constantly.  Thank you for Your never-ending mercy and grace, no matter how many times I fail to seek You, You always forgive and accept me back into Your arms.

Fear

No one is perfect.

I preface this post with that fact because I'm about to be vulnerable and expose my insecurities and imperfections.

So please remember, no one is perfect... not even you.

I have an 18 month old son.  In about 1 month I will have a brand new daughter.

I am afraid that I won't be able to handle it.  Mentally I've been preparing myself for the weeks of staying home, the inevitable difficulties of figuring out nursing, the pain, and I felt ready... until today.  Today I feel so unprepared!  I have no idea what to expect.  I only have one friend who has had children this close together.

Logically, I know that it is not I who needs to handle it, but God who will help me be the mother I should be for my two children.  But I am still afraid.

Incline Your ear, O Lord, and answer me; For I am afflicted and needy. 

Psalm 86:1 

In the day of my trouble I shall call upon You,
For You will answer me. 
Psalm 86:7

Show and Tell

Today I thought I'd share a few things that have really blessed, inspired, or encouraged me (or all 3).

1. Yesterday morning was a difficult morning for me. Our son, Oliver, was hardly being the angelic little boy I know he can be.  He wasn't even being a cute little monster, he was just being a monster.  Not only that but I'm struggling with a lot of physical pain which is keeping me from many of my regular daily activities, mainly many housekeeping chores.  While it may seem a blessing to be able to sit on the couch all day and pass of most of the household chores to my husband, Andrew, it really isn't.  There may have been was a time when I would revel in the opportunity to do such a thing, but now keeping our home clean, tidy, and welcoming has become a joy to me.  I never thought I'd see the day, but it has happened, and it discourages me when I simply cannot do what needs to be done.  I voiced all these frustrations to Andrew, complaining about what a horrid day I was having and what a mess everything was (and by everything I meant me, Oliver, and the house).  So for the first "show and tell" I want to share the encouraging and inspiring words that he blessed me with in response:

"Look at the bright side of the day. You have a home, food, you don't need to work, you have a beautiful little boy with you who has the best laugh, a husband who loves you, you'll have a little girl soon to play dress up with, you get to nap if you need to, you have friends you can talk to during the day online, Christmas is soon, and you have Christ."

That text message changed my entire outlook for the day, and my attitude, and thus instead of having a horrid day I had a wonderful day.

2.  This blog post from Girls Gone Wise, Mary Kassian, about biblical submission.

3.  And this last one is just a tell: Last night I had 3 very obvious braxton-hicks contractions.  Now some might call them fake contractions because they don't mean you're in labor, but they aren't really fake are they?  They are actually contractions and they do hurt.  Now what is funny, and probably a little insane, is that mostly these very early on contractions can be eased by lying on one side or the other, but last night I really wanted to feel them so I lay on my back savoring the pain because I knew that feeling them this strongly meant that we are getting closer and closer to the day when I will hold our little baby girl in my arms.  While I lay there, feeling every bit of those painful contractions, I smiled and couldn't help but get excited.  I do not know when Wynter will come out into the world (her due date is December 25th, but not many babies are actually born on their due date) but I cannot wait until that day, and I can't help but hope that it is sooner than her due date.

'I can do everything myself'

I am 34 weeks pregnant with our second child, a little girl.  We are both very excited to meet our darling Wynter.  No one is more excited than I am though.  Just thinking of all the things I'll be able to do after she is born makes me grin with anticipation.  Things like lying on my stomach, walking without pain, being able to see my feet again, being able to bend over to pick something up and twist and bend in many different directions to reach something, all seemingly little things, but they become things you desire when you are without the ability to do them. 

The biggest thing I'm looking forward to, other than holding our precious baby, is being physically able to really care for our home.  I take great pleasure in having a tidy and clean home for Andrew to come home to after his 10 hour work days.  Lately, for the past 2 weeks I'd say, I've been physically unable to do this as much as I'd like.  I get behind with the dishes, and am only able to do the bare minimum with the rest of the house.  The pleasure I take from having a clean home is something I've had to let go of, but not only that, I've had to learn to accept help from Andrew to keep up with things.  I do not enjoy asking him to cook dinner when he's just got home from a long day of work, or asking him to pick our sons toys up at the end of the day, in fact I can feel downright guilty for asking for his help.

Over the past two weeks, as I've learned to pleasantly ask for help and graciously accept it when given or offered, I've realized that this is the same attitude I sometimes have in asking God for His help.  I want to think I can do it all myself (another control issue? I think so!), and when I can't and I am forced to turn to God for help I feel ashamed and weak.  What I need to remember is that I cannot do anything without God's help!  It is not a show of weakness, or something to be ashamed of, asking for help is a sign of humility.

Philippians 4:13

I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.

Double Lessons

One of the first things I learned about submission is that it is about surrendering control.  I had never before realized how much of a control freak I was.  There were signs, I knew I wasn't spontaneous, I liked to have plans and know how each moment of my day would fit together, last minute alterations to "the plan" would stress me out and sometimes even make me irritable and unpleasant to be around.  I didn't like doing things if I didn't know what the outcome would be, and for this reason many things made me nervous.  I needed everything to line up nicely into my little plan.

Can you see where the problem is?  It's pretty obvious.  "My little plan"... I needed to be in control.  What I wasn't realizing is that I am not in control at all!  God is.  Submission isn't all about submitting a man, who can make mistakes and wrong choices, it is about submitting to God and giving over that control to Him.  Yes, I do also need to submit to my husband, but it really goes beyond that to submitting to God and trusting Him that He will guide and lead Andrew.  When I realized this it made submitting to Andrew less of a risk because I know that God's plan is perfect.  My plan may not always line up with God's plan, and that also means that my plan may not always line up with Andrew's plan, but as long as I keep submitting to God first and trusting Him to lead Andrew, and thus our family, in His perfect plan then I can more easily let go of my plan.

I still fight to be in control quite a bit.  I forget that I really don't have any control at all, everything is in God's hands.  This is why I am so thankful for God's never-ending mercy and grace.  No matter how many times I forget and try to be "god" in my own life, He is always ready to forgive and welcome me back into His arms.  Not only that but He never stops calling me back to Him whenever I stray.

James 4:7

Submit therefore to God.  Resist the devil and he will flee from you.

Where it all started...

It's been an interesting journey for me, getting to where I am now.  Just two years ago I would have mostly balked at the idea of headship and submission in marriage, but part of me would have also been eager to learn more.  In fact, part of me has been longing all my life for that in marriage, but I never would have seriously voiced that longing because in the face of society today it seemed wrong.  Honestly, my view of it was off kilter too.  I had this longing for what I saw as the 50's marriage, I wanted to be the perfect little wife, with the perfect little home, and perfect little children, and yes I wanted my someday husband- at that point in life- to be "the boss".  And although I longed for this, I felt it was wrong of me, so I kept it mostly hidden and instead cultivated what I was taught: in-dependency, feminism, that women are at least equal to men (if not better).  I was taught by society how to walk all over a man, how to use my femininity to get what I wanted, I was even taught that women could be stronger, smarter, and overall better than men.  I never would have said any of those things, but my attitude toward men spoke it in volumes!

I feel blessed that it only took us 1 year of marriage before we realized that we had it all wrong.  God mercifully brought friends into our lives that pointed us in the right direction.  I learned that what society had taught me, and even my own secret longings did not line up with God's plan for marriage.  Ephesians 5:22-27 tells us that the marriage relationship is to mirror Christ and His church.  Just as Christ leads, shepherds, and sacrificially loves His church, husbands are to lead, shepherd, and sacrificially love their wives.  And just as the church submits to Christ's leadership, wives are to submit to the leadership of their husbands.  This was eye opening for me. 

I have no where near perfected this calling to submit, I am human after all, but I strive for it daily.  Some days are easier than others, some days it feels impossible, but this calling is on my mind and heart daily.  I am eager to learn more about what submission means and how to practically apply it in day to day life, and I am eager to apply it.  I believe I will always be learning new things about being a godly wife, or godly mother, and I will always struggle because of sin, but it is because of my past struggles and even my current struggles that I desire to share this journey with others so that some might be encouraged or learn what I have about God's call to wives and mothers.  And that is what this blog is for, sharing my journey into biblical womanhood for the purpose of teaching and/or encouraging other young women (whether you have grown up learning all of this, or like me you are just learning it, or have yet to discover it).