My Parenting Decisions: The Dreaded Cry It Out Debate

Preface (yes, I am prefacing a blog post, go with it)

Before I jump into our personal stance and practices as far as sleep training, or Cry It Out, I want to take a moment to talk about labels, judgment, and support.

Before I became a mother I was totally unaware of label's like "attachment parenting", "lactivist", "intactivist", "crunchy"-- and now that I'm writing this out I wonder where the labels are for non-attachment parenting people, or non-crunchy mom's/parents/people, huh?  Sometimes labels are good. They help us to find like-minded people, or use one word to convey a plethora of things or values.  However, labels can also be bad.  They can separate people, pit people against each other, and most often, when it comes to parenting labels, it seems that they separate and divide.  We are parents, we all struggle with parenting choices, and I do believe that most of us are trying to make good choices for our children.  We ought to be supporting each other, not fighting each other.

There is so much judgment between parents regarding their decisions.  I have seen breastfeeding mothers attack and be attacked, co-sleeping parents attack and get attacked, and, as we are about to discuss, CIO (cry it out) supporters attack and get attacked.  Because of such volatile responses it can be hard to talk about where we stand and why.  It is definitely hard for me to share my own journeys because I want to be understood, not frowned upon, judged, or even labeled.  But I think people need to be open about things because there are so many others out there that have doubts or questions or fears, but feel unable to talk about them for fear of being judged.  So that is why I am sharing about our experience with CIO.  I hope I am not judged, I hope I reach people who can identify with my struggles and are encouraged by my words, but if I am judged and do not reach anyone I will keep on sharing because someday my own children may ask about my decisions and I want to be able to tell them (I have an awful memory), and maybe someday I will reach someone who needed to read another's experience.

Cry It Out

As a new parent, this was new idea.  Before Oliver was born I'd had no idea that there was such a thing as the Cry It Out sleep training method.  All the experience I had with putting babies to sleep was with older babies who were either bottle-fed, or rocked and cuddled to sleep.  I'd had no concept before that someone might leave a baby, in a crib, to cry themselves to sleep.  That is a harsh way of putting it, but this is how I saw it then, and how I still see it now, at its very worst.  This is what I experienced.  What I hated, dreaded, but had been convinced was the best for all involved.

Some say that though it is hard at first, it gets easier, but that wasn't the case for me. It was hard all the time, and I mean HARD.  I hated myself for it, and I often displaced my anger onto Andrew when he insisted that we stick with our choice.  Looking back on that time, and writing about it now it seems like a no-brainer, if we hated it so much then why did we continue with it?  The truth is that we were brand new parents.  We barely knew anyone else our age, that were parents too.  We were sleep deprived, confused, and searching for answers on how to be the best parents we could be.  So, instead of going with our instinct, we went with the advice we were given.

Let me take a moment here to reiterate that I am not here to bash the CIO method, nor the parents who recommended it to us, nor anyone who uses it.  I am simply sharing our feelings, our decisions, and the reasons behind them.

I do not know if the CIO recommendation came from the Ferber version, or the Babywise version, or another CIO plan, or a mixture of different ones.  I do know that we started CIO shortly after it was suggested, and Oliver was between 2 and 3 months old.  I know that the Ferber method has it starting at 6 months or later, and Babywise (to my knowledge) starts almost from the moment they are born.  Honestly, it doesn't matter where the advice originated because we followed it, wherever it came from, and it did work eventually, but we did hate every moment of it.

I remember the inner turmoil that I felt as I listened to Oliver cry.  Sometimes, I'd be counting down the minutes until I could go to him (we started at 1 minute of crying, and after several days were up to 30 minutes of crying).  When the time was up I would rush out to his crib and pick him up and hold him and with every part of my being I would shower him with love.  Then we had to start all over again.  Again, we believed we were doing the right thing for our son.  The truth is that often, as parents, we do have to make the hard choices and do things that our children don't like.  We simply thought this was one of those things.

By now I'm sure you know where we stand on the cry it out sleep method for babies.  It's pretty clear we didn't like it then and don't like it now.  Obviously we don't and won't be using it for Wynter or any other future children.  Wynter sleeps very well for a 4 month old, and when she does wake at night I simply nurse her back to sleep.  I see nothing wrong with that, it works well for our situation and our family and I adore cuddling her in bed with me (most of the time).

However, though I personally don't like the CIO method, I do understand that there can be a time and a place for it.  I also believe it can be done in a healthy way, and that there are many ways to do it incorrectly.  If anyone decides that CIO is something they do need to do, then please research it.  Be open minded so that you can make an informed decision on how to go about it.  Please don't just research the different kinds of CIO methods and how they work, but also the impact that they can have on a baby medically speaking.  

Before I end this topic, let me share some resources and facts with you.

The case against:

• Science Says: Excessive Crying Could be Harmful
• Letting Baby "Cry-it-out" Yes, No!
• Dangers of "Crying it out"
• AAP on Becoming Babywise

Alternatives to CIO:

• 31 Ways to Get Your Baby to Sleep and Stay Asleep 
• Dr. Sears' website lists many articles on sleep and babies

And I was really going to try and be unbiased in offering links and information, but I am not unbiased.  I think Dr. Sears approach to baby sleep is wonderful, and since I haven't personally read articles written by CIO doctors (and I would definitely recommend only using information from doctors) I can't offer any links for actually using the CIO method.

Personally, I think that the Ferber method is the best, with changes.  The most important thing to me is that the recommendation by Ferber, not to start CIO until after 6 months old is taken seriously. 

I want to end by saying that I sincerely hope no one is offended by what I've said.  If you are reading this, and using CIO please know I'm not judging you.  I am certain you have carefully thought about it and for reasons I do not know have decided it is best for you, your baby, and your family.  If you are just doing it because that's what you thought you were supposed to do, I encourage you to go read for yourself the different opinions and research on babies and sleep (both for and against CIO).

Again, as someone who has been there, no judgment here, just a desire to help.

Our First Mommy and Son Date

Parent and child dates are not something I grew up with.  The concept is totally new, introduced to us by friends and pastors we respect.  Personally, I love the idea!  I actually think it is important to have that focused one on one time with my children.  I think it's a great way to let them know with our actions how important they are to us.  Since Oliver is so young, for now, it is a way for us to just spend time together without anyone else.  As he grows older I hope it can be a time for us to talk about life. 

Today we had our very first mommy and son date.  Oliver loves going on walks, and he has been indicating that he'd like to go for one since Friday.  Sheree, my mother-in-law, had sent Andrew and I Starbucks gift cards as a thank-you for welcoming her into our home for her recent visit, so Oliver and I walked to a close by Starbucks.  I got my new favorite drink, an iced americano with white mocha, and Oliver got some chocolate milk.  We also splurged and bought an old-fashioned doughnut to share.

We sat outside and watched birds as we drank our drinks and ate our doughnut.  I totally meant to get pictures of that part, but forgot until after we were walking away.  I did snap a few pictures of Oliver drinking his chocolate milk after we'd left Starbucks.

Enjoying his chocolate milk.

After our trip to Starbucks we took a little detour on our way home and visited the Philips Plaza Farmer's Market. 

The Farmer's Market was so packed!

We stopped for a bit to listen to this harpist.

We walked through the market twice.  I almost bought some carrots and green onions but I didn't have anything to put them in and it didn't look like the vendors had bags for the produce either.

After that we headed home to find Daddy and Wynter taking a nap.

Next week it's Andrew's turn to take Oliver out on a daddy and son date.  We plan to rotate each week who takes him out.  We won't always do something that costs money, we can go to a park, or go swimming, or take a walk with no specific destination.  Someday we'll add Wynter into the rotation, but I don't know when.  We didn't really plan that we'd start this when Oliver turned 23 months old, it just seemed like the right time to start. 

I actually had lots of fun.  It felt like such a special time for me and Oliver to bond and I can't wait for our next one!

My Parenting Decisions: Cribs and Co-sleeping/bed-sharing

Nursery's look cute, but aren't always practical.

Actually, my reality right now is more like the perception photo.

Right along with breastfeeding vs formula, as far as controversy goes, is co-sleeping vs cribs.  There are plenty of advocates for both sides, as well as plenty of good reasons to do either one.  Really it comes down to personal choice.

 My parents chose co-sleeping (more specifically, bed-sharing).  Recently I asked my Mom how she knew when to transition us to our own beds and our own rooms.  She was very relaxed with things like this and said she mostly looked for cues from us that we were ready.  It helped that for the most part we had siblings that shared rooms with us so we weren't really alone.  I remember that when my youngest brother stopped sleeping with our parents, he'd often spend the night with me (I was 11).  Co-sleeping has never been a strange concept to me, even when it wasn't what we chose with our first-born.

With Oliver I think we did a lot of "mainstream" things.  Choosing to buy a crib and set up a nursery for him that was not in our room was one of those things.  Why I chose a crib and separate sleeping arrangements for our son when I'd grown up with co-sleeping as the norm? I have no idea.  One of our reasons involved using the Ferber sleep training method, cry it out, but I'll write more on that later.  I also think that as a first time mom I was dazzled by the cute nursery set ups, and the fun cribs with the adorable bedding.  It was all very visually appealing.  That picture above, of the co-sleeping reality, is not nearly as cute to me as a photo of a well put together nursery.  Even now, while we have switched to being co-sleeping parents with Wynter, the nursery image is still so cute and enticing.  So much so that even when I knew Wynter would probably be sleeping in our bed with us, I bought her a crib that she probably won't use until she's about one year old.  (We use it as a changing table in our bedroom for now, so it actually is pretty useful.)

Co-sleeping, while definitely beneficial to mother and child (you can read more about that here), isn't as comfortable as I thought it would be.  Like breastfeeding, I believe it's the better option, but sometimes I'd rather Wynter was sleeping in her own bed.  Actually, Wynter starts the night by falling asleep in her baby swing, then when she wakes up around 1am I bring her to bed with us and nurse her back to sleep.  So, while I am a huge advocate of co-sleeping, I won't lie and say that it's an easy choice, or that it's comfortable, or that I don't often wish I had her sleeping in a crib instead of our bed.  That said, I do actually think it's much easier for me to at least have her sleeping in our room than in her own room.

I know co-sleeping has been advertised (literally) as dangerous for babies.  The truth is that, when done safely, co-sleeping actually helps to prevent SIDS.  Even having baby sleep in a crib in your room helps, you don't actually have to bed-share for baby to reap some of the benefits of co-sleeping.  Here's some a lot of information on co-sleeping:

By Dr. Sears (I go to Dr. Sears' website for answers to so many things now, as a reference I think his site is one of the best.)
Scientific Benefits of Co-sleeping (same link as the one 2 paragraphs up)
7 Benefits of Sleeping Close to Your Baby
Co-Sleeping: Yes, No, Sometimes? (My favorite go to article on how close proximity sleeping arrangements are good for baby.)
SIDS and co-sleeping
Safe Co-sleeping Habits

Dr. McKenna
Advantages of co-sleeping
Long-term effects
Addressing co-sleeping risks

Dr. Jay Gordon (I use his website second to Dr. Sears' as a reference when I need information on many different topics.)
Safe Co-sleeping
Sleep, Changing Patterns in the Family Bed (This is most likely the method we'll use for moving Wynter from our bed to her own crib when she's old enough.)

I know there are many good reasons for why parents may decide using a crib is a better option for them.  We certainly had our own reasons for making that decision with Oliver.  Just like breastfeeding is medically known as the best choice for feeding babies in most cases, I think co-sleeping is the best sleep option medically in most cases. However, every parent has to choose what is best for everyone involved, and sometimes that means that co-sleeping is not going to be their best choice.  I certainly believe that, as parents, we all try to make the best choices for our own personal circumstances.  As someone who has done both, I will not be the mother that judges another for their sleep arrangement choices.

My Parenting Decisions: Breastfeeding and Formula Part 2

Formula

Mostly I want to talk about my breastfeeding journey with Wynter, but first I think I'll tell you about the formula journey with Oliver.  I don't think you hear about formula feeding journey's often.  I mean there really isn't a lot to tell, right?  You go to the store, buy some formula, fix the bottle, feed the baby.  Yet, there is more to it.  There are choices to be made about what brand to buy, whether to get powdered or prepared formula, and then there is always the story of how we ended up doing formula in the first place.

As I mentioned in my last post, I had totally planned on breastfeeding.  My Mom breastfed me for 2 years, as well as most of my siblings (one self-weaned at a year, and one was adopted).  I was exposed to breastfeeding as a child and grew up understanding that it's the natural way to feed babies, so for me it was an easy decision, of course I would breastfeed.  Then Oliver was born.  He wouldn't latch, and that meant he was hungry all the time, and I became increasingly stressed that he wasn't eating.  On day 3 I reached out to a friend who let me temporarily borrow her pump.  However, it wasn't long after I started pumping that I began to lose my milk supply.  One night I spent hours pumping, feeding, pumping, feeding, because Oliver was so hungry and I couldn't pump enough for him at one time.  The next day I went out and bought formula.  Oliver was fed formula from that moment until he was 1 year old.

We began with Similac Sensitive formula.  Eventually we realized that the contents of Similac Sensitive, and Parent's Choice (Wal-Mart brand) Gentle were the same, and since Parent's Choice was so much cheaper we bought that for about 2 months.  Since before Oliver was born we were on WIC (a government supplement program for Women, Infants, and Children) and after he was born we opted for the breastfeeding package.  After we switched to formula I was so ashamed and embarrassed that I wouldn't go back to WIC for fear they would lecture me about giving up on breastfeeding so quickly.  During that time we bought our own formula, thus the decision to use the cheaper Parent's Choice brand.  And actually, the Parent's Choice formula caused the least tummy problems for Oliver.  After a while I realized how expensive formula is and decided to suck up my pride and return to WIC.  We got on the formula program and had to switch back to Similac Sensitive.  We used that until he was 1 year old and we switched to whole milk.

I haven't done a lot of research on formula so I don't know what is best to use, but I can direct you to The Leaky Boob where there is a post full of information on how to make informed choices on formula.

Breastfeeding

After I failed at breastfeeding Oliver I knew with the next baby I would be more prepared and try harder.  My failure didn't defeat me, it made me more determined.  I bought a breastpump and accessories for pumping, I read books, watched videos, and thought about how to fight through the difficult beginning.  I was so ready this time.

At first Wynter latched, no problem.  I was so surprised, and so happy!  But by day 3 she wasn't latching well anymore and rather than fight her I began to use bottles of pumped breastmilk more and more often until I was only trying to get her to latch about once each day, and I was pumping every 2 hours.  It got exhausting.  My back hurt because of how I had to hunch over when pumping.  I hated being tied to that pump.  So many times I wanted to give up.  I cried over it, got angry and frustrated, and by the time she was 6 weeks old I was so done.  

During those weeks of struggling I had a lot of encouragement from friends on Facebook.  They helped me figure out that the difficulties we were having (mostly that she couldn't seem to stay latched on well enough) were due to an extreme lip tie*.  I tried to go to an LLL meeting, but our car was having problems so I never made it.  I did e-mail an LLL leader who suggested I try a nipple shield.  At first I was totally put off by that idea.  I thought it was weird, and might hurt, and I didn't even know how to go about finding and selecting one.  Then, one day at Wal-Mart I saw a Medela Contact Nipple shield. I was curious so I picked it up and read the information on the back of the package.  It even gave instructions on how to measure your nipple so you can select the right size shield.  I didn't buy it then, but a few days later I did.  By the time I actually purchased and used the the shield Wynter was 7 weeks old.  

The shield was super easy to use and, for us, worked a miracle!  I can't even tell you how ecstatic I was that this was working.  The joy was indescribable.  Two days after using the shield successfully I decided to give breastfeeding a go without it.  I didn't expect it to work, but it did!  Wynter latched beautifully and stayed latched.  That day, and the next I used the shield intermittently, whenever I was worried she wouldn't latch without it and didn't want to fight her.  After that it seemed ridiculous to use it because she didn't need it anymore, she was latching and feeding so well without the shield.

Wynter is nearly 4 months old, and breastfeeding is still going strong.  In fact, it's beginning to be more enjoyable as Wynter becomes more interactive.  She's started to unlatch and smile up at me for a bit, then coo as if we're chatting back and forth over a meal, and then latch back on.  Repeat.  It's so adorable!

Many of the ideas I had about breastfeeding have been changed, and I think it's a good idea to share those.  I know it's easier for me to be open to new ideas if I know of someone who has started with the same thoughts as me, and then changed to different thoughts on the same topic through experience or research.  So here is a list of the ideas I had about breastfeeding that have since changed:

• Breastfeeding is natural, thus easy.   Breastfeeding is natural, but it is not always easy.  With both of my children we've had latching issues that have caused me great stress and discomfort. 
• Breastfeeding is private.  I always thought it was inappropriate to breastfeed without covering up and I have spoken strongly against not using some sort of cover in public.  However, though I would use one at the beginning when it's harder to be discreet about nursing, and I still use a cover in restaurants and at church, at a park and at home when people are visiting I have stopped using a cover.  The weather here is getting hotter and it's stuffy and hot under a cover for Wynter.  We have gotten so accustomed to nursing that it's easy for me to get her latched on without exposing myself to the world, and after she's latched I can easily keep my shirt covering enough of my boob that only someone who is actually looking down on me from directly above would see any boob skin.  I think women should feel free to do what is comfortable for them and their baby.
• It will be weird to have my baby talk to me while nursing.  Since Wynter has started taking little nursing breaks to coo and smile at me and it is the most adorable thing, I don't think it will be that strange when those coos become babbles and the babbles become words.
• Nursing beyond 1 year is strange.  After going through the struggles that I did, I want Wynter to nurse as long as she wants.  It seems strange to me to ask her to stop before she's ready after we worked so hard to get it going in the first place.
• Breastfeeding will be enjoyable and I will love it.  It might seem strange, but after the initial joy of finally getting breastfeeding to work for us, breastfeeding became boring and more like a chore.  Now that Wynter is taking those breaks to "chat" it is becoming more enjoyable, and more like a special time for us to bond, but for a while I would inwardly groan when she was hungry and I had to nurse her.
• With the success of breastfeeding, I will never use formula again.  That's like saying that your toddler will never have McDonalds, which for us wasn't true.  I don't let Oliver eat junk often, but every now and then he will have a McD's cheeseburger and fries.  It's the same with Wynter and formula.  It's easier for me to have formula around for when Andrew and I go on dates than it is to pump breastmilk.  So, yes, Wynter does occasionally get formula and I don't feel guilty about that at all.  It's life.  I kind of appreciate having it there for date nights, it makes it easier to leave knowing she has an abundant supply of food in case she's really hungry while I'm gone.

*Information on lip tie and tongue tie.

My Parenting Decisions: Breastfeeding and Formula Part 1

Feedng Oliver formula.

Nursing Wynter (Andrew didn't want to capture a naked boob)

Breastfeeding vs Formula is often a HUGE topic of controversy and more often than not it stirs up very strong emotions and opinions in people.  Women who choose formula can feel attacked and put down by breastfeeding advocates.  Women who breastfeed sometimes feel isolated by their choice and can also feel attacked by those who have made other choices.

When I struggled, and subsequently failed, at breastfeeding Oliver the guilt and shame caused me to feel that everyone who had succeeded and promoted breastfeeding was personally attacking me.  Of course that wasn't true, but it's how I saw things through my own guilt over not succeeding at what I had expected to be able to do easily.

I hadn't been at all prepared for how difficult it can be to get breastfeeding going.  I thought since it was natural it would come naturally, but it definitely didn't.  I gave up on it fast too because I didn't have the support or the information to be able to work through the problems we had.  So Oliver ended up being formula fed.  It took me a long time to stop feeling guilty.

I think it was my quick failure from before that spurred me on to fight hard after Wynter was born.  I wanted breastfeeding to work this time.  I knew it would be hard, but I was ready to fight.  At first it was easy, then 3 days in it got hard and suddenly I was pumping several times a day and feeding her my milk from a bottle.  This continued on until she was 7 weeks old.  The thing that helped us get breastfeeding back was a nipple shield.  It worked a miracle!  In the matter of just 2 days we went from Wynter not latching at all, to Wynter latching like a natural and no longer needing to pump or use a nipple shield.  She is now nearly 4 months old and the only formula she has is when Andrew and I go out on a date.  Yes, I'm really proud of that.  I have been able to succeed at something I greatly desired and had previously failed at.

Personally, I do believe that breastfeeding is an amazing thing, and is nutritionally better.  That is kind of a proven fact and can't be argued.  However, I can attest to how difficult it can be, and how easy and accessible formula is when breastfeeding is just too hard.  No shame should be felt if you decide breastfeeding isn't for you.  Breastmilk or formula, your child is being fed and that is the most important thing.

My Parenting Decisions: Introduction

Our two beautiful children, Oliver Sebastian and Wynter Olivia.

A lot of parenting involves figuring out what you like and don't like; what you agree with and what you don't agree with; what works for you, your family, and your kids, and what doesn't.  There is so much information out there, and so many gadgets and toys, and as parents we have to sift through all of that and find what is right for us.  On top of that we've also all got opinions based on what we believe, what worked or works for us, and what our own parents did and all of us parents like to share our opinions with each other, so we've all got to sift through those too.

For me, at the beginning, I took the opinions and beliefs of one friend as though they were the best, the only way to do it right.  I, of course, found lots of information that supported her views, and I looked at everything with my mind already so focused that anything that didn't fit was wrong and ridiculous.  Now I'm not saying that I've come to believe everything she told me or recommended was wrong or just not for me, some of it was.  Some of it was right for us at the beginning, but not anymore, and some of it I have simply decided I don't agree with period.  As parents we all try to do our best, we often make mistakes, or change our minds about what is best and what is not, and as our life and circumstances change we have to change too.

Our daughter, Wynter, is 3 1/2 months old.  Oliver, our son, is 23 months old.  Many of the parenting decisions we made when Oliver was an infant are not the same as the ones we are making with Wynter.  Oliver was formula fed, Wynter is breastfed.  Oliver slept in a crib, Wynter sleeps in our bed.  I barely knew anything about baby carriers with Oliver, but with Wynter I use a Moby Wrap fairly often and plan on buying a Babyhawk Oh Snap! since the Moby isn't the quickest thing in the world to use.  So many of the decisions we're making this time are opposites of the decisions we'd made previously.  And many of the decisions we're making as Oliver grows older regarding food, play, TV, etc. are different than what we thought we would do.  One of the biggest things I'm learning is that you have to be open to change.  Flexibility as a parent is absolutely necessary.

Like I said at the beginning, us parents like to share our opinions with everyone else, me included.  That's why I'm starting a series of posts about my own parenting decisions.  I want to share where we started, what has changed, and why it has changed, and finally talk about where we are now and our ideas for the future.  However, I want you to read this with an open mind, especially if you are a new mother, or mother-to-be.  The things I've hated, may actually work for you; the things I've loved, you might hate.  Take in the information I share and store it.  Use it if you like, but remember it's not the best way for everyone, nor the right way for everyone, and you will need to sift through it and use what you like and discard the rest.

As parents we also tend to think our opinions need to be defended when other's opinions differ or we are disagreed with.  I want to stay away from that.  Although there are some parenting ideas that I strongly believe are wrong, I'm not here to tell anyone what to do, you have to make those decisions on your own, but I do want to put out there what I've chosen for our family and why without putting down anyone else's decisions or opinions.  I'm writing these posts for myself first because I want to remember where I've been so I can pass on my knowledge to my children, and then secondly for anyone else who happens to read here so that they can maybe be helped from my own experiences.  For anyone reading this series, let's be civil, friendly, helpful, and respectful!

Barely Surviving

That's what my life feels like today, yesterday, last week, probably all this week, maybe next week, at least further than I can really see right now.  It feels like I'm barely surviving.  Not just surviving, because when I am just surviving I feel even more 'together' than I do now.  Barely surviving in my world means that nothing is going well.  Let me give you a little picture of what I mean.

Last week began with Oliver getting the flu.  Even though the flu left by Monday, he continued to have extreme, leak out of the pants onto the bed diarrhea until Wednesday afternoon.  On Tuesday I got the flu in the evening and had to have Andrew come home early from work to help me take care of the kids while I laid on the couch with the chills.  I only got up to vomit buckets at a time.  Andrew was great and took good care of me and the children since I couldn't do anything.  By Wednesday morning I was feeling fine, but Andrew was getting the flu next.  During the day on Wednesday he threw up a few times at work before giving up and coming home in the afternoon.  He was sick all Wednesday and Thursday (he stayed home Thursday).  So on both Wednesday and Thursday I was taking care of both children alone, and a sick husband.  Finally Friday began to be a bit normal.  Saturday was supposed to be a cleaning day since Andrew's mom is coming to visit this Thursday, but instead the day was taken up with trying to buy a car (which is still an ongoing process buy hopefully will be done by the end of today or tomorrow).

Yesterday started a new week, and I'd hoped an easy week in which I could really relax, enjoy my kids and get the house clean.  However, Oliver got sick again last night with a congested chest and cough.  Today has been insane.  Oliver is fussy and needy and I don't blame him because I know he feels awful.  But Wynter, who has shown no signs of being sick, is also fussy and needy and refuses to take adequate naps. I don't think I've had a single moment today where both children have not been crying, at least not a substantial enough moment that it made any difference.  And because of this I cannot get any cleaning done today, the constant crying is literally driving me INSANE, and I do not see the light at the end of this tunnel.

Andrew asks me to trust him, that it will be okay.  The problem is that it is not okay right now.  I don't know how to survive this.  I have no sanity left, no desire to be sane, I don't think anyone sane would make it through this with their sanity intact anyway.  All I want to do is cry right along with my babies. Maybe scream a little bit too in desperation.  Maybe it will all be okay tomorrow, but tomorrow is not here and today is not okay...

And I want others to know that with kids there are times like this, when nothing feels okay, when you have to barely survive, and when you don't know how you are going to survive.  I want mothers to remember that other mothers have gone through times like this.  I want husbands and fathers to know that their wife, the mother of their children, will at times feel completely pushed too far, stretched waaaaaaay past her capability to deal.   Mothers, give your children grace, give yourself moments to cry out to God for help amidst the chaos; husbands, give your wife grace and support and understanding, and give your children grace.  Remember, God will be your strength, remember He will give you grace.