Christmas with the Whiting Family, 2012

This Christmas has been a roller coaster of emotions for me.  I actually cried ON Christmas day!  I adore Christmas, and begin a countdown come September every year, so crying on Christmas day is just totally off for me.

There are a lot of reasons why Christmas was hard this year.  We had a much smaller budget (last years was significantly higher than this years), I had to un-decorate the tree, plans were jumbled at best, and the list goes on.  It was a very big learning experience.  It was re-affirmed many times over that I do not do well with vague plans, that I am indeed an introvert, that no matter how much I want it I cannot have a Martha Stewart perfect home with little children (and may never have one), and that Christmas is NOT about spending money, or baking loads of sweets, or decorating perfectly.  No, Christmas is about God humbling himself and becoming a little baby, Jesus, as part of His grande and perfect plan to save us all from our sin.

It's so hard to remember the gospel in Christmas when every where around you is the pressure to materialize it.  I think everything that seemed to put a strain on our holidays was designed to point me back to Christ, and it did.  However, God did bless us this year despite our limitations.  The kids have many wonderful new toys even though we could only get them 2 each, we spent 3 joyous days celebrating and 2 of those with family, and I have a plan to help reduce stress and financial strain for next year!

Christmas Day was also Wynter's birthday!  It's still so strange to think of that.  Though we will be celebrating her birthday in January this year, and will continue to set aside a separate time each year for her special day, we cannot ignore that last year she was born on Christmas Day, and she will always be a year older come Christmas morning.

Here are some wonderful photos we took before I un-decorated the tree:

Parenting with love and grace

It's really easy for me to become overwhelmed and frustrated with two little toddlers underfoot.  These little, adorable, monsters make unending messes, demand 99% of my time and attention, and can scream loud and long.  Feeding them the food they need can often be a strain on my creativity (spaghetti happens to work well for getting in their grains and veggies).  Figuring out games that keep their attention, or gain it in the first place, is often a source of frustration for me.  I often feel like I'm struggling to figure out this parenting thing, and I often feel like I'm going to go insane from a messy, unorganized house.

I just finished vacuuming the entire living room floor because Oliver had flung coconut everywhere.  There is a jacket on the living room chair, two more on the couch next to a hanger and two mismatched socks.  Two blankets are bunched up at the foot of the chair, and next to that is the diaper bag.  On the floor in front of the bookcase are two books, another hanger, and a pair of Wynter's jeans.  Our Christmas tree has only lights and ribbon messily resting on oddly bent branches from being pulled down and otherwise messed with by little hands. I had to take down the ornaments because those same little hands enjoyed taking off the sparkling things too much.

It can be really hard for me to see the humor or joy in coconut flakes littering the floor like a light dusting of snow.  My first reaction is to be angry.  Why in the world would Oliver fling coconut everywhere?  What made him think that was a good idea?  Now I have to vacuum the floor, and coconut that I was using for cookies has been wasted.

Today it was easier to laugh, and I did.  I thought about how it looked like it had snowed inside our home, and thought to myself how Oliver must be missing snow (not that he's ever seen snow) as much as me.  I didn't get mad.  But had it been yesterday I would have been furious!  Certainly not the best, nor the correct reaction and example.

I don't know why I expect my kids to be perfect angels when I myself don't even come close, but I find that I do expect much of these little people.  I expect joyful obedience 90% of the time, I expect them to clean up their messes, I expect them to think and act rationally... expecting all of that is not rational!  Now I don't exactly think about the fact that I expect it, but my reactions when things don't go according to my expectations certainly are evidence enough.

 These little people come into a sinful world, with a sinful heart, and cannot be expected to think or act like good little children without being taught.  Patiently taught, because any parent can tell you that after the 100th time of saying no to the same thing these little ones still don't quite get it.  God tells us to train our children in the way they should go.  That takes work, patience, perseverance, grace, and God.  Left on my own I am a slave to my unrealistic expectations and constant frustration.  Only with God can I train these little ones in His ways with love and grace.  I am thankful that God shows me more mercy, love, and grace than I can comprehend, and I pray that He will help me to demonstrate this to my own children.

6 Medium Peeled, Thinly Sliced Tart Apples

This afternoon, as soon as the children were down for their afternoon naps, I decided to dive into making the apple pie I've been meaning to tackle for a week now.  I can't remember the last time I made a pie, and I have never made one without my mother helping me.  I can't even remember if I've ever rolled out and placed pie crust before!  So, this project, well it made me a little nervous, but I so want to make pies with my children for holidays or just special desserts and there is just something about making your own pie from scratch and then eating that first slice.  Complete satisfaction.  Anyway, so I tackled this today.

First, the pie crust was the most daunting part to me.  I remember that my mom hates making pie crust and it has always seemed so difficult to do correctly.  But either I made the pie crust or the pie would never get made, so I got together all the ingredients and utensils, turned on some Christmas music and set about making that crust.  It actually wasn't terrible.  I just hope that all in all it turns out okay.  When I got around to rolling it out and placing it in the dish things did get a little tricky and my pie crust is definitely not going to look pretty.

Next I had 6 medium Granny Smith apples to slice.  Here I made the rookie mistake of slicing all the apples beautifully BEFORE I peeled them.  Yes.  I forgot to peel the apples before I sliced them.  I didn't even realize I had made this mistake until I began to put them in the bowl to mix with the sugar, cinnamon, nutmeg, and flour.  Thankfully I only put in a few slices before realizing my mistake, but then I had to spend the next 20 minutes carefully peeling each slice.  I tried several methods, none of which was great, but I did get them all mostly peeled.  I am sure I'll never make that mistake again.

After mixing the pie filling, and rolling out the bottom pie crust I carefully put the pie together.  The pie crust did give me a little trouble, as I said above, but I figure for the first pie I've made solo it's not expected to look super pretty so I went with good enough.  Same with the top crust, it rolled out just fine, but placing it was a little harder than I expected.

It's almost done and the smell of pie baking is heavenly.  I can't wait to taste it!  If it's even somewhat delicious I'll be trying again closer to Thanksgiving, maybe even making one for after our Thanksgiving feast!  We'll see.

Tips on rolling out and making pie crust look pretty would be greatly appreciated.

A 2 1/2 year old who barely talks

I wanted to talk a little more about Oliver's speech delay.  He'll be 2 1/2 this next month and his vocabulary consists of "no", "Daddy", "hey", "yay!", and occaisionally "Mom" or "Mama".  All of these words have been showing up within the last 2-3 weeks.  Until recently anything that ever sounded like a word was more of a spontaneous utterance.

When Oliver was 15 months old the doctor who performed his well-check voiced her concern that he hadn't yet developed a consistent vocabulary.  At that time we were focusing more on the fact that he would spontaneously say some things that definitely sounded like words.  We had no idea of how often and how clear his words should be at his age.  I often wondered if I simply couldn't interpret his babbling.  Perhaps he was actually saying words and I just didn't understand him.  Both Andrew and I were convinced that Oliver would talk when he was ready, and it would be only a matter of months before he began spouting words left and right.

At Oliver's 18 month check up we had a new doctor.  I very much respect and admire and love this doctor, and am thankful that we found him.  However, at this point I began to waver in my certainty that Oliver would begin talking soon.  When asked about the words he says we couldn't come up with anything consistent other than that we thought he said "please" fairly often, and a little before this appointment he'd said "thank you Daddy" loud and clear at the park.  So Oliver's doctor assured us that Oliver was just a shy talker and soon he would be talking so much we'd wish he wasn't.  I was not convinced, but I had nothing to go on other than my own instinct, which I myself doubted since everyone else seemed so sure.  And I had certainly been saying exactly what I was now hearing just a few months ago.

Oliver turned 2 in May, and still was not talking.  We were sent to a speech pathologist for evaluation, finally.  The final report showed a few delays, with a severe delay in expressive speech.  At just over 2 years old his expressive speech was at the level of a 6-9 month old baby!  I was shocked.  I knew he was delayed, but I'd had no idea it was that much!

The next step was to have his hearing checked.  About 2 months after his speech eval Oliver and I sat in a sound proofed room while his response to noise was examined.  He responded very well and we came away from that with more questions, and an answer we'd already known.  Oliver hears just fine.  So what is preventing his speech development?

We still don't have any answer other than that nothing is causing it, it just is.  I've struggled a lot with that.  It doesn't make any sense to me.  If there is nothing preventing him from learning to talk then why isn't he? I've also struggled with guilt, wondering if there was something I did or didn't do to cause this.  It's also been a source of deep sadness for me, and I've wondered if I should feel sad over it or not.

I've been able to deal with the guilt, which I think is just a part of being a parent.  If something goes wrong we wonder what we did or didn't do to cause it.  I'm dealing with acceptance right now.  I'm not convinced that there is no known cause for his speech delay.  There are other signs that point toward the possibility of something else, but we haven't addressed those things with his doctor yet, and there's every possibility that these other signs are not related to his speech or each other and are no cause for concern.  We'll see.

As for feeling sad, and I feel strongly about this, I've concluded that it's okay.  I am not disappointed that he's not "normal".  I am do not think he's stupid, or less intelligent because for some reason he's having trouble learning to talk.  I have been sad because this has felt overwhelming, and I want so badly to understand what he's trying to say to me.  I want to have conversations with him where I'm not making up responses to his babbling.  I want him to back talk to me.  I want to argue with him.  I want him to express his frustration, or anger, or hurt with words that I can understand.  I don't think anyone would understand this until they've been through it.  Of course I'll teach him not to back talk, to argue respectfully, to listen and obey authority, and the appropriate ways to express himself, but for now I'd be happy if he would scream "I don't want to!", or "Give it to me!", or "No Mommy!"  But even with the progress he has made recently, that seems a ways off.  So yes, I am saddened by our limited communication.

However, let me end on a hopeful note.  Though at the beginning I was overwhelmed and frustrated, confused and uncertain, I am becoming excited and hopeful.  It has taken me time, but I've found ways to try and help Oliver.  We're learning sign language together, and he can sign "eat", "please", "more", "drink", and "Daddy", and we continue to teach him new signs every day while encouraging the regular use of the ones he's already learned.  I've come up with creative and fun ways to encourage the discovery of sounds and words, and I continue to search for new ideas or improvements on old ideas.  I have to remind myself that no response to my teaching attempts does not mean a step back, or that the method is not working so I don't get discouraged when he'd rather just listen to me and doesn't join in the activity I've prepared.  No response means that we are still where we were yesterday.  No response to a new idea means that it might take time, days, or weeks.  I have to be patient and take the victories as they come, while not being discouraged on the days when they don't.  It's hard work, but it's worth it.  He is worth it.

(I want to note that he is not currently in speech therapy.  It has been advised and we have two options that we are pursuing, but it is taking time and is not as easy as I think it should be.  In the mean time I am working hard to work with him to the best of my ability.) 

Getting caught up...

It's been quite a while since my last post.  There's been a lot going on, and yet not much at all.  I know, such a contrary statement.

Since my last blog post my best friend got married and I was so blessed to have been a part of that beautiful day!  Wynter and I flew up to Washington for the occasion and were able to spend time with friends and family that I love and miss terribly.  While there I hatched a plan for our whole family to visit Washington next fall, and hopefully we can make it work.

Ferry docks, at Vashon Island I believe.

Oliver was evaluated and diagnosed with speech delay by a speech pathologist at Tucson Medical Center.  We had his hearing tested, and he passed easily, so we're still searching for answers.  I'm not convinced there is no reason behind his speech delay yet, though it is possible.  We're trying to get him some form of speech therapy either through the hospital or through the Blake Foundation here in Tucson, but the process is going rather slowly.  Partly due to the fact I hate making phone calls of any sort to set appointments or whatnot.

We've been teaching Oliver sign language for communication, and he seems to take to that so easily.  He recently started saying "no" but he doesn't always use it.  In fact it's been a few days.  I'm getting him back in to see the doctor to discuss other areas of possible delay just to be sure there isn't an underlying issue.

The speech delay we're dealing with has been a surprise for us.  Never did I expect to be dealing with something like this.  It makes me sad because I can't communicate the way I had expected to and the way I want to with my little boy.  It has, however, caused me to be more involved, more creative, and more focused on finding other ways to communicate, teach, and play with Oliver.

Wynter is almost 10 months old, and has come so far!  She's crawling, standing with the help of furniture and cruising very well.  She's recently begun to stand on her own, without help, and I'm sure walking is not far off.  She's very vocal, and very loud about it too.  She shakes her head "no", although it's more for fun than to say "no".  Sometimes she nods her head for fun also.  She's very curious about everything Oliver does.  When he's coloring she wants to join in, and perhaps for that reason has already figured out how to scribble on paper.  She loves her brother so much, and it shows in how she wants to be near him, and play with him, and copy everything he does.  They play with cars together, and chase each other around; she steals his sippy cups, and tries to eat his food if it's within her reach; I think she's learned things by watching him that Oliver didn't learn/do until later on.

Parenting is such an experience!  Oliver and Wynter are as different from each other as they are alike.  They need different things sometimes, and the same things other times.  There is no one day exactly like the last or the next.  There are also days, like today, when I see it as an adventure, but there are many days when it's a trial and I feel frustrated and emotionally spent.

The next several weeks hold many more things for our family.  We're taking both children trick 'r treating for the first time ever!  Oliver will be dressed as Thor, and Wynter as Wonder Woman.  Then in November we have Thanksgiving which is one of my favorite holidays, and at the end of November our current lease is up and we're planning on moving someplace bigger and more family friendly.  December brings my favorite season of all, Christmas!  It will be filled with baking, and singing, and joy.  We'll go to Winterhaven (a neighborhood of Christmas lights), and Summerhaven (a little town atop Mt. Lemmon) where we'll introduce Oliver and Wynter to snow for the first time.

I'm hoping to blog again more regularly as it is something I truly enjoy doing, but if not then know I'm still around, struggling and enjoying the adventure of parenthood.

Adapting to last minute changes

Yesterday was Wynter's very first 4th of July, and Oliver's 3rd.  This year is the first year that Andrew and I didn't even contemplate making plans to see any fireworks.  We saw some on our drive home from my mom's house where we'd spent the evening, but other than that we chose not to care about firework shows this year.

Instead we had a little bonfire, barbecued hamburgers with my brothers, roasted hotdogs, and made s'mores.

I had made all these plans about going to my mom's, taking our time to get a fire built, roasting hot dogs together, and then making s'mores as the sun set.  I knew it would be more difficult with the kids, but I figured if we didn't rush things and we worked together it would still be lots of fun.  I was going to take pictures of us around the fire, happy, laughing, and having fun.

Nothing went like I'd planned.

Instead some of the boys wanted hamburgers, and Andrew decided he also wanted a hamburger.  The only person who roasted any hotdogs was me.  Can you picture that? Me, all alone, sitting at the fire, holding a baby and trying to roast a hot dog.  The first one fell into the fire.  The second one I got roasted just right while my mom held Wynter.  But I was feeling a little upset that the plans I had carefully made and the dinner I had thoughtfully put together had been completely ignored.

Then, I'd barely finished eating my 1 hot dog before all the boys decided it was time to do s'mores.  So I scarfed down a few marshmellows and one s'more before I had to go nurse Wynter because she was so very unhappy, hungry, and tired.

I grabbed some more food for myself because one hot dog does not a dinner make, and headed into the game room to sulk and watch tv while I nursed Wynter.

After a while I was able to rejoin the family for a little bit and take some pictures that I actually love.

Gorgeous baby girl having a happy moment.

Daddy and son dipping their feet in the pool.

After being outside, enjoying the cooler weather from after the rain we had earlier in the day, we all found our way back inside.  Wynter began to have another meltdown, so while I tried to calm her the boys cleaned up our dinner mess.  It wasn't long before I was on the verge of a meltdown myself.  My brothers set up to play a card game, and I was ready to leave and call it a night. 

My brother, Jesse.

My brother, Judah.

My brother, Justin.

Andrew wanted to stay a little longer so we headed upstairs to see if we would have better luck with playing in the game room, and we did.

By the time we finally left both Andrew and I were exhausted physically and emotionally.  We barely cared about anything but getting home and getting the kids in bed, then crashing ourselves.  All of which we did.

I remember that my brothers made a few comments during the night that made me less than proud of the way we handled our evening.  They commented that parenting looked stressful, and it is, but I want them to see how much we love our kids too and that though it can be rough it's also brought us some of the happiest times we've ever had.

The day did not go at all how I had planned, in fact almost every single plan I made was thwarted and changed.  I'm trying to learn to be flexible so that days like yesterday don't bother me, but I was not flexible last night.  Instead of changing my own plans to fit with everyone else, I became sour and unhappy and I did not reflect the love of Christ at all.

I know that writing this post, about what a horrible 4th I had, is probably not at all what would be expected, but sometimes we have holidays like this.  We make plans and then we feel slighted because others ignore our plans and do something else.  I'm not going to pretend I had a great evening, I was unhappy and unflexible, and I need to learn to respond with love and grace when plans change. 

How was your 4th of July celebration?  Did things go as planned, or did you have to go with the flow? Are you good at being flexible, or are you like me and have a hard time adapting to last minute changes?

Celebrating Oliver and Wynter: A Photo Post

On May 15th Oliver turned 2 years old, and a few days ago, on June 25th Wynter reached 6 months old.  These two children are so precious to me, Andrew and I are incredibly blessed to be the parents of two little miracles.  Here are some of my favorite photos from this year so far:

Grandma Sheree and Oliver exploring a creek during her visit in April.

A special moment between mother and daughter at Reid Park Zoo.

Oliver playing in his sand and water toy.

I can't believe it has been 2 years since Oliver Sebastian Whiting entered this world!

Father's Day at Limberlost Park.  Father and son in matching Converse shoes.

At the park, mother and daughter trying to survive the heat.

Wynter, 6 months old and on the move!  The time since she was born has gone much faster than I'd hoped, but I love watching her curiosity grow, and seeing her try out new things every day.

I'm excited to experience the next 6 months of Wynter's first year and watch her learn many new things in such a very short time.  Oliver too, as he is still amazing me with the things he picks up from the people around him every day!

Life With Children

The above picture is just a tiny glimpse into daily life in our home.  This particular morning I had accidentally left the movie cabinet unlocked and Oliver decided this was a prime opportunity to help me reorganize them.  As soon as he discovered my mistake he promptly pulled out nearly all our DVDs, opened a few, spread discs all over the floor, and then abandoned his mess.  Wynter saw what great fun Oliver was having and offered her assistance as well.  She enjoyed chewing on the cases, or the free floating DVDs, and rolling in the mess as though it were a fun pile of fallen leaves.

I had noticed the beginning of this mess, and could have stopped it before it got out of hand, but they were both having so much fun that I decided to indulge them this once.  Normally I'm pretty diligent about keeping the baby lock on that cabinet because I don't want Oliver doing exactly this.

In my last post, 1,2,3, I talked about "letting go".  I mentioned letting go in regards to schedules, housekeeping, and structure, but really you have to learn to let go in all areas of your life when you have children.  Do you laugh, or yell when you find your toddler has dumped water all over your bathroom floor?  Do you cherish, or cry over the time spent lying on the couch because your baby refuses to sleep anywhere but in your arms?  What about when they are both crying or screaming? 

I am nowhere near perfect, or even decent, in my responses.  I often do cry over the time spent on the couch, or scream about the mess I didn't want to deal with, and when they both start crying my response is more often to be louder than them.  (So, this post is more for myself than anyone else.) A day, even just an hour, with children can be extremely trying and stressful.  I have a choice every day to either add to it with my sinful responses, or to lessen it by letting go.  Is it not better and less stressful to laugh over a mess and help your child clean it up?  Is not time spent better cherishing a quiet moment with your baby?  And does adding your loud complaints to your children's raise or lower the stress in that moment?

On days that I stress about messes, or cry over my lack of me time, I don't enjoy being a mother and I don't enjoy my children.  However, on the days where I let go and laugh over messes, cherish the baby in my arms who is growing much to fast, and tend to their desires before mine we are all much happier, and I actually love being with my children and am able to enjoy them.

P.S. I do think that there are times when crying, screaming, or yelling are not sin.  Sometimes I cry and scream out my desperation to God, begging for his help because there is no way I can live out this calling to motherhood without Him.  And sometimes I yell at Oliver because he is headed recklessly toward danger.  I even think that crying to release emotion is okay, and it is my experience that 9 to 12 months of the first year after a baby is born are wrought with intense emotions.  We need to examine our hearts constantly so that our emotions are not products of sin, and we need to remember that calling on God for help with ANYTHING is 100% a good thing.

1, 2, 3...

I have so much I want to say, but I can't seem to put my thoughts together well right now.  I've started and deleted 3 different blog posts already.  It's currently one of those rare times that both of my children are sleeping, and I really wanted to blog, but apparently my brain doesn't want to cooperate.  Maybe if I just do a brief rundown of what I've been trying to say I'll be able to get some of my thoughts down.  I can always expand on it later.

1) Identity.  I don't know if I struggle with this more or less than others, but it's been a struggle all my life.  I'm always worried with fitting in somewhere, or being a certain kind of person (or mother, or wife), and it often takes deliberate thought for me to determine honestly who I am.  I am not defined by how many kids I have, or by breastfeeding, or babywearing, or my choice of parenting style.  I am not defined by the clothes I wear, or how I style my hair.  I am not defined by the books I read, or the movies I watch, or the music I listen to.  I am defined by Christ, and all those other facets of who I am are defined by that. 

I parent the way I do because of who I am in Christ.
I wear the clothes I wear because of who I am in Christ.
I read the books I read, watch the movies I watch, and listen to the music I listen to because of who I am in Christ.

When I remember that, then I feel confident.  When I forget, I begin to question everything and worry that I do not fit where I want to fit.

2)  Advice to mothers. Life changes after every baby.  I know people who have said it, and I know I have said it, but life doesn't go back to normal after a new baby.  Life changes and a new normal has to be formed, or you will drive yourself crazy trying to live as if life hasn't changed at all.  I've had to let go.  There's really no better way to put it.  I've tried to hold onto certain things, structure, schedules, order, and all it does is stress me out.  I've learned that it's better to let a new normal form, than to try and hold onto any previous normal.  It takes time to figure out the new normal, but it's much less stressful.  Life with little children works a lot better when I just let go.

This is my new normal: A constantly messy house in one place or another, it is never all clean at once.  Dinner is simpler, quicker, and later.  Errands are best done early in the day, and should be condensed as much as possible.  Wynter will sleep when she wants, scheduling naps can come later.  My level of patience is directly linked to whether or not I've let go of expectations or not.  Caffeine in some form is a necessity.

3) Children will teach you just how selfish you are.  They need everything from you, demand everything from you, and more.  I can't count how many times I've sat down and literally said, "I have nothing left to give, you took it all already."  Thank the Lord He is able to provide when that happens so I can keep giving, because even if I have nothing left to give the children will keep taking.

Learning Lessons in Hardships, Finding Rest in Joy

I used to think that if Oliver was just a little older, able to communicate his wants and needs in full sentences, or a little bit more obedient than having a second baby in the house wouldn't be as difficult.  I know parents often agonize over when the right time is to have a second child.  Many factors are considered, such as age of the first born, finances, living situation, etc.  It's a hard decision, and I think that when it comes down to it there is no "perfect" time for that second baby, and the "right" time really depends on the family and what is important to them.

For us it was important that Oliver not be too much older than our second baby.  We thought that it would help minimize jealousy, and create a closer bond because he wouldn't remember ever being an only child.  It made perfect sense until right before Wynter was born.  A few weeks before her due date I was suddenly worried that I was stealing something special from Oliver, more time as the treasured only child.  I was worried about how he'd feel about no longer being the sole baby in the house.  I agonized over this, and even cried a few times.  Thanks to a long conversation with a good friend I was able to let go of that guilt and seeing Oliver with Wynter now helps me from feeling any regret over timing. He loves her so much and it's very obvious.

Even though I don't regret how close they are in age, there is no denying that having two children in diapers and neither of them talking (for the most part) is much harder than I thought it would be. Like I said, I used to think it would be so much easier if Oliver was older and able to communicate with understandable words, and maybe potty trained, or able to pick up his own toys.  Recently I have come to the conclusion that each age comes with it's own set of challenges.  Even if Oliver could talk, pick up his toys, or go potty in the toilet, there would be other challenges to deal with.  I don't think that age makes a difference anymore, at lease in regards to the challenge of being a mother of two versus a mother of one.

Coming to this realization has changed my perspective a little.  Honestly, every realization I have regarding motherhood gives me a new or broader perspective.  Figuring out that being a mother of two is impossibly challenging regardless of how old the first born child is really pulled me out of my own head a little.  Of course the exact details of my day to day challenges are unique to our situation and children, but I began to see that regardless of who you are, regardless of your circumstances, adding that second child magnifies the difficulties of motherhood immensely. 

It has also magnified my joy, and my love.  It's hard to see that sometimes because sorrow, frustration, and anger can be so much louder than happiness and contentment.  I was reading in Ecclesiastes today and came upon chapter 7, verse 3.  It says, "Sorrow is better than laughter, for when a face is sad a heart may be happy".  The commentary for this verse says, "...happy times generally teach us less than hard times."  It is painful, and harsh, but true.  The daily hardships of motherhood nearly always teach me something, while the easier happy times are mostly full of peaceful rest for my soul.  For this reason it often feels like the hard times are more frequent, even more memorable than the times of happiness and peace.

Then, just as I was really sinking into despair today because I felt like the challenges of today would be my challenges forever, God reminded me of His grace and gave me hope.

"Indeed, there is not a righteous man on earth who continually does good and who never sins." 

Ecclesiastes 7:20

It is reassuring to be reminded that perfection is unattainable on this earth, though that doesn't stop me from looking to Christ for transformation.

The Lord's lovingkindness indeed never ceases,

For His compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;

Great is Your faithfulness.
"The Lord is my portion," says my soul,

"Therefore I have hope in Him."

Lamentations 3:22-24

When hope is lost we need to remember God's faithfulness, His love, and the hope we have in Him.

I called on Your name, O Lord,

Out of the lowest pit.
You have heard my voice,

"Do not hide Your ear from my prayer for relief,

From my cry for help."

You drew near when I called on You;

You said, "Do not fear!"

O Lord, You have pleaded my soul's cause;

You have redeemed my life.

Lamentations 3:55-58

Last, but maybe most of all, these 4 verses gave me strength.  Despair is a pit of darkness that blots out hope.  While drowning in that pit I forget that God can reach into the deepest, darkest places of despair and help us out, back into the light.  He will always hear us, and He will always help us. It is God who brings light into the darkness, and hope to the hopeless.

Dark Clouds

I don't normally like to compare gloomy feelings with "gloomy" weather because I am a huge fan of rain, dark clouds, lightning storms, cold, so called gloomy weather.  However, dark clouds blot out the sun, just like depression and feelings of hopelessness blot out happiness and joy, so I think the comparison is appropriate.

If I were a character in Winnie the Pooh, it would be Eeyore.

 Lately that's how I've felt, I mentioned it in my last post, like dark clouds have blocked out the happiness and joy that my life should bring. 

I should say here that I do not want to write about this at all, but I am because this is something everyone says you shouldn't hide, and because my tendency is to hide it in shame and fear, but if I knew someone who was going through this I would want them to be open about it so that I could be supportive and helpful.

_______________

"Good morning, Pooh Bear," said Eeyore gloomily. "If it is a good morning," he said. "Which I doubt," said he.

________________

 Postpartum depression (ugh, even the name is depressing) is supposedly very common.  I'll spare you statistics and symptoms because you can Google it and find millions of sites giving you that information.  Even though I wasn't diagnosed with it last time, I am certain it stole the first 5-7 months after Oliver was born.  I started pulling out of it because of the holidays, but I don't think it was until after we moved when he was 9 months old that it was completely gone.

This time I fought really hard against getting depressed because I didn't want to feel that way ever again.  Anytime I thought I might be getting depressed I would try to identify something that would lift my spirits and do it, or identify what was causing it and fix it if possible.  Recently, nothing was working.

(Side note: this showed up in my Facebook feed this morning. Please listen to the interview, it's really very good.)

God is an amazing God. As I talked about in my last post He used a song to really uplift my spirit.  He gave me a break yesterday too, it was the easiest, most stress free day I've had in weeks.  His timing is impeccable as well.  I had given up and given in.  I no longer cared if I spent the day on the couch.  Just doing the basics (changing diapers, getting dressed, fixing food, etc.) had become so difficult.  I repeatedly thought things like, "I hate my life", or "I hate myself", or "why did I ever think I could be a good mom". 

It took me a long time to admit I was feeling this way too. I thought that if I admitted it then I was saying several things, that I wasn't a good mom, that I didn't love my husband or children, that I was not thankful or unsatisfied with the life God had given me, even that I was losing site of the Gospel because I was feeling hopeless.  There is also that irrational (though it really doesn't feel irrational, and for me has been the overriding reason for remaining in denial outwardly) fear that if you admit to feeling this way then the state will be notified that you are not a fit parent and your kids will be taken away from you.

Here is the hard truth that I had to face, my hopelessness was a product of my happiness relying on things and people who are not God and can only provide temporary, imperfect happiness and joy.  When I faced that it didn't make me feel any less depressed, in fact I think that's when I decided to just give up because I despaired in the fact that I could not bring myself to stop idolizing people and things and place my reliance in God alone.  It wasn't until God reminded me, through the song 10,000 Reasons (Bless the Lord) by Matt Redman, that it isn't by my own strength that I can change, but by God's.  That is the glorious truth that renewed my spirit and lifted me out of the extreme hopelessness I had found myself in.

As the Sun Sets

Currently my favorite song is 10,000 Reasons (Bless the Lord) by Matt Redman.  It's got a beautiful tune and really uplifting lyrics.  However, it wasn't until today that it really became a personal prayer and worship song.

This morning has been a rare morning.  I actually was able to get up and fix my husband breakfast and make his lunch, something I haven't been able to do for at least 2 weeks.  Normally Wynter is attached to me at that time getting her breakfast.  For Andrew being served breakfast and having his lunch made by me says 'I love you'.  I don't always like doing it, but I do know how much it means to him and so I prefer being able to do it even when I don't actually want to do it.

I also got to take a shower this morning! Ever since Wynter was born my showers have to be done at night before bed if I want one during the week.  Sometimes Oliver and Wynter will cooperate and I'll get to take a quick one in the morning while they play, but that's not even a once a month occurrence.  Wynter was awake, but Oliver slept in today and so I just plopped Wynter in her bumbo seat and took a shower.  I even had time to shave my legs!  (The simple pleasures of motherhood...)

So this morning I was in a pretty good mood.  The chorus of 10,000 Reasons popped into my head as I was showering, "Bless the Lord, Oh my soul...".  And then so did the beginning of the first verse, "The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning...".  You know how it is when a song gets stuck in your head and you can't remember most of it?  Yeah, so I went and looked up the lyrics and pulled up the song on YouTube.  When I read the lyrics of the first verse it was like God was sending me a message.

The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning

It's time to sing Your song again

Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me

Let me be singing when the evening comes

Lately life has been drowning me.  Each day starts okay, but by noon I am drained, and somewhere around 1 or 2pm I lose it.  I'm not even going to describe how badly I lose it because it's embarrassing and shameful.  I feel horrible about losing it, even hate myself most days, but it feels uncontrollable and comes on so fast that I feel completely unable to stop it.  By the end of the day I'm completely depressed.  Hopeless.  Deflated.  Despairing.  Almost nothing and no one can cheer me up.  I'm a complete wreck.  I feel like screaming, not singing like the song says.

Reading, "Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me, let me be singing when the evening comes" was like God reminding me that where I lack the strength to get through, He will help me.  The lyrics don't say "Whatever may pass unless it's a toddler throwing extreme tantrums all day, or a 5 month old who refuses to sleep unless in mommy's arms, or a house that is overwhelmingly messy", it just says "whatever may pass".  So this has become my daily prayer, that absolutely WHATEVER happens, I will be joyfully singing (whether actually singing, or just being joyful in my countenance and my words and my actions) as the day ends.

I know that I will not always remember to pray this prayer, and sometimes life will get the better of me, and situations that throw me into total meltdowns won't suddenly become easier or non-existent, but I do know that I have God on my side and I can always turn to Him for the strength, patience, love, self-control, kindness, gentleness, peace, and joy that I lack and He will give it to me.

Dear Mom,

In honor of Mother's Day I really want you to know how much I appreciate you.  Growing up, and I think most kids do this, we think of all the ways our parents could do things better.  We fight against the boundaries that you put up, and find ways to sneak behind your back to do those things you've told us not to do.  We think you are just being controlling or mean, but you are trying to protect us and teach us.  We don't see that as kids.  Even into adulthood, we don't really appreciate all the work you've put into raising us.

Now that I am a mother myself I am beginning to understand these things, and I think fully appreciate you as my mother.  I think there are many kids who grow up and decide they want to be a much different kind of parent than their own parents were, but when it comes to you and the choices you made in raising me, I would be honored to be as good of a parent as you have been for me.

I appreciate that you gave me freedom to make my own way in life, yet also gave me boundaries to guide me and help me in making those choices.

I appreciate that you taught me to love God both in your words and your actions.

I appreciate that you taught me how to clean, sew, bake, cook, care for children, and so many other things that I am utilizing every day.

I appreciate that you taught me that there are consequences when rules are broken, and that sometimes we need to follow a rule even if we don't like it.

You taught me to be selfless, kind, grateful, patient, and loving.

You taught me how to be a Godly woman, and mother.

I know now that everything you did was your best attempt at raising me to be those things, and your best was amazing.  I've been so blessed to have you as my mother.

I love you Mom!

My Parenting Decisions: Babywearing

Babywearing with a Moby Wrap.

I didn't learn about babywearing until after Oliver was older, and to be honest my current knowledge is very limited still.  I'm constantly learning more and more about it nearly every day!  So far I have, and have tried 3 different carriers, a Snuggli buckle carrier, a Moby Wrap, and an Infantino Mei Tai.

I hated the Snugli.  It was awkward and uncomfortable.  I barely used it.  Recently I learned that this specific kind of carrier isn't actually a good one to use.  They generally are uncomfortable to wear, and the way that baby sits in it isn't that great for their physical development.

Similar to the Snuggli I have and don't use.

The Moby Wrap is categorized under stretchy wraps, and is pretty comfortable to use for newborns and older.  The instructions say you can use them for babies up to 35lbs, but I've found that after about 20lbs they get pretty awkward.  Wynter is about 16lbs now and I rarely use the Moby anymore.  For newborns through the first 3-4 months though they are great!  I especially love how they look even though wrapping can be a little cumbersome until you get used to it.

Wearing Wynter in the Moby Wrap, about 1 month old.

So far my favorite carrier, for ease of use and comfort level, is the Mei Tai.  The one I have is made by Infantino.  I also love how they look.  Mei Tai's can be used for three different kinds of carries, front, side, and back.  I have only used the front carry so far but I plan on trying a back carry soon.

Wynter at 4 months old, Infantino Mei Tai.

I'm no expert on babywearing and all the do's and don'ts so here are some links for that sort of info:

For information on correct positioning
Safety Tips
Dr. Sears Babywearing Info List

 Rental Service

Because I hate it when people promote something that is wonderful and good, but don't tell you about possible downsides, let me just tell you that while I find babywearing to be fun and useful it can be cumbersome.  I don't wear Wynter at home often, but I do find it useful for trips to the mall or going on walks.  Babywearing is something I love, but mostly in certain situations.  You have to find your own reasons for doing it, and the carriers that work the best for you and are comfortable for your baby.  I definitely recommend it though, and I can't wait to try more carriers and different ways of wearing Wynter.

My Parenting Decisions: The Dreaded Cry It Out Debate

Preface (yes, I am prefacing a blog post, go with it)

Before I jump into our personal stance and practices as far as sleep training, or Cry It Out, I want to take a moment to talk about labels, judgment, and support.

Before I became a mother I was totally unaware of label's like "attachment parenting", "lactivist", "intactivist", "crunchy"-- and now that I'm writing this out I wonder where the labels are for non-attachment parenting people, or non-crunchy mom's/parents/people, huh?  Sometimes labels are good. They help us to find like-minded people, or use one word to convey a plethora of things or values.  However, labels can also be bad.  They can separate people, pit people against each other, and most often, when it comes to parenting labels, it seems that they separate and divide.  We are parents, we all struggle with parenting choices, and I do believe that most of us are trying to make good choices for our children.  We ought to be supporting each other, not fighting each other.

There is so much judgment between parents regarding their decisions.  I have seen breastfeeding mothers attack and be attacked, co-sleeping parents attack and get attacked, and, as we are about to discuss, CIO (cry it out) supporters attack and get attacked.  Because of such volatile responses it can be hard to talk about where we stand and why.  It is definitely hard for me to share my own journeys because I want to be understood, not frowned upon, judged, or even labeled.  But I think people need to be open about things because there are so many others out there that have doubts or questions or fears, but feel unable to talk about them for fear of being judged.  So that is why I am sharing about our experience with CIO.  I hope I am not judged, I hope I reach people who can identify with my struggles and are encouraged by my words, but if I am judged and do not reach anyone I will keep on sharing because someday my own children may ask about my decisions and I want to be able to tell them (I have an awful memory), and maybe someday I will reach someone who needed to read another's experience.

Cry It Out

As a new parent, this was new idea.  Before Oliver was born I'd had no idea that there was such a thing as the Cry It Out sleep training method.  All the experience I had with putting babies to sleep was with older babies who were either bottle-fed, or rocked and cuddled to sleep.  I'd had no concept before that someone might leave a baby, in a crib, to cry themselves to sleep.  That is a harsh way of putting it, but this is how I saw it then, and how I still see it now, at its very worst.  This is what I experienced.  What I hated, dreaded, but had been convinced was the best for all involved.

Some say that though it is hard at first, it gets easier, but that wasn't the case for me. It was hard all the time, and I mean HARD.  I hated myself for it, and I often displaced my anger onto Andrew when he insisted that we stick with our choice.  Looking back on that time, and writing about it now it seems like a no-brainer, if we hated it so much then why did we continue with it?  The truth is that we were brand new parents.  We barely knew anyone else our age, that were parents too.  We were sleep deprived, confused, and searching for answers on how to be the best parents we could be.  So, instead of going with our instinct, we went with the advice we were given.

Let me take a moment here to reiterate that I am not here to bash the CIO method, nor the parents who recommended it to us, nor anyone who uses it.  I am simply sharing our feelings, our decisions, and the reasons behind them.

I do not know if the CIO recommendation came from the Ferber version, or the Babywise version, or another CIO plan, or a mixture of different ones.  I do know that we started CIO shortly after it was suggested, and Oliver was between 2 and 3 months old.  I know that the Ferber method has it starting at 6 months or later, and Babywise (to my knowledge) starts almost from the moment they are born.  Honestly, it doesn't matter where the advice originated because we followed it, wherever it came from, and it did work eventually, but we did hate every moment of it.

I remember the inner turmoil that I felt as I listened to Oliver cry.  Sometimes, I'd be counting down the minutes until I could go to him (we started at 1 minute of crying, and after several days were up to 30 minutes of crying).  When the time was up I would rush out to his crib and pick him up and hold him and with every part of my being I would shower him with love.  Then we had to start all over again.  Again, we believed we were doing the right thing for our son.  The truth is that often, as parents, we do have to make the hard choices and do things that our children don't like.  We simply thought this was one of those things.

By now I'm sure you know where we stand on the cry it out sleep method for babies.  It's pretty clear we didn't like it then and don't like it now.  Obviously we don't and won't be using it for Wynter or any other future children.  Wynter sleeps very well for a 4 month old, and when she does wake at night I simply nurse her back to sleep.  I see nothing wrong with that, it works well for our situation and our family and I adore cuddling her in bed with me (most of the time).

However, though I personally don't like the CIO method, I do understand that there can be a time and a place for it.  I also believe it can be done in a healthy way, and that there are many ways to do it incorrectly.  If anyone decides that CIO is something they do need to do, then please research it.  Be open minded so that you can make an informed decision on how to go about it.  Please don't just research the different kinds of CIO methods and how they work, but also the impact that they can have on a baby medically speaking.  

Before I end this topic, let me share some resources and facts with you.

The case against:

• Science Says: Excessive Crying Could be Harmful
• Letting Baby "Cry-it-out" Yes, No!
• Dangers of "Crying it out"
• AAP on Becoming Babywise

Alternatives to CIO:

• 31 Ways to Get Your Baby to Sleep and Stay Asleep 
• Dr. Sears' website lists many articles on sleep and babies

And I was really going to try and be unbiased in offering links and information, but I am not unbiased.  I think Dr. Sears approach to baby sleep is wonderful, and since I haven't personally read articles written by CIO doctors (and I would definitely recommend only using information from doctors) I can't offer any links for actually using the CIO method.

Personally, I think that the Ferber method is the best, with changes.  The most important thing to me is that the recommendation by Ferber, not to start CIO until after 6 months old is taken seriously. 

I want to end by saying that I sincerely hope no one is offended by what I've said.  If you are reading this, and using CIO please know I'm not judging you.  I am certain you have carefully thought about it and for reasons I do not know have decided it is best for you, your baby, and your family.  If you are just doing it because that's what you thought you were supposed to do, I encourage you to go read for yourself the different opinions and research on babies and sleep (both for and against CIO).

Again, as someone who has been there, no judgment here, just a desire to help.

Our First Mommy and Son Date

Parent and child dates are not something I grew up with.  The concept is totally new, introduced to us by friends and pastors we respect.  Personally, I love the idea!  I actually think it is important to have that focused one on one time with my children.  I think it's a great way to let them know with our actions how important they are to us.  Since Oliver is so young, for now, it is a way for us to just spend time together without anyone else.  As he grows older I hope it can be a time for us to talk about life. 

Today we had our very first mommy and son date.  Oliver loves going on walks, and he has been indicating that he'd like to go for one since Friday.  Sheree, my mother-in-law, had sent Andrew and I Starbucks gift cards as a thank-you for welcoming her into our home for her recent visit, so Oliver and I walked to a close by Starbucks.  I got my new favorite drink, an iced americano with white mocha, and Oliver got some chocolate milk.  We also splurged and bought an old-fashioned doughnut to share.

We sat outside and watched birds as we drank our drinks and ate our doughnut.  I totally meant to get pictures of that part, but forgot until after we were walking away.  I did snap a few pictures of Oliver drinking his chocolate milk after we'd left Starbucks.

Enjoying his chocolate milk.

After our trip to Starbucks we took a little detour on our way home and visited the Philips Plaza Farmer's Market. 

The Farmer's Market was so packed!

We stopped for a bit to listen to this harpist.

We walked through the market twice.  I almost bought some carrots and green onions but I didn't have anything to put them in and it didn't look like the vendors had bags for the produce either.

After that we headed home to find Daddy and Wynter taking a nap.

Next week it's Andrew's turn to take Oliver out on a daddy and son date.  We plan to rotate each week who takes him out.  We won't always do something that costs money, we can go to a park, or go swimming, or take a walk with no specific destination.  Someday we'll add Wynter into the rotation, but I don't know when.  We didn't really plan that we'd start this when Oliver turned 23 months old, it just seemed like the right time to start. 

I actually had lots of fun.  It felt like such a special time for me and Oliver to bond and I can't wait for our next one!

My Parenting Decisions: Cribs and Co-sleeping/bed-sharing

Nursery's look cute, but aren't always practical.

Actually, my reality right now is more like the perception photo.

Right along with breastfeeding vs formula, as far as controversy goes, is co-sleeping vs cribs.  There are plenty of advocates for both sides, as well as plenty of good reasons to do either one.  Really it comes down to personal choice.

 My parents chose co-sleeping (more specifically, bed-sharing).  Recently I asked my Mom how she knew when to transition us to our own beds and our own rooms.  She was very relaxed with things like this and said she mostly looked for cues from us that we were ready.  It helped that for the most part we had siblings that shared rooms with us so we weren't really alone.  I remember that when my youngest brother stopped sleeping with our parents, he'd often spend the night with me (I was 11).  Co-sleeping has never been a strange concept to me, even when it wasn't what we chose with our first-born.

With Oliver I think we did a lot of "mainstream" things.  Choosing to buy a crib and set up a nursery for him that was not in our room was one of those things.  Why I chose a crib and separate sleeping arrangements for our son when I'd grown up with co-sleeping as the norm? I have no idea.  One of our reasons involved using the Ferber sleep training method, cry it out, but I'll write more on that later.  I also think that as a first time mom I was dazzled by the cute nursery set ups, and the fun cribs with the adorable bedding.  It was all very visually appealing.  That picture above, of the co-sleeping reality, is not nearly as cute to me as a photo of a well put together nursery.  Even now, while we have switched to being co-sleeping parents with Wynter, the nursery image is still so cute and enticing.  So much so that even when I knew Wynter would probably be sleeping in our bed with us, I bought her a crib that she probably won't use until she's about one year old.  (We use it as a changing table in our bedroom for now, so it actually is pretty useful.)

Co-sleeping, while definitely beneficial to mother and child (you can read more about that here), isn't as comfortable as I thought it would be.  Like breastfeeding, I believe it's the better option, but sometimes I'd rather Wynter was sleeping in her own bed.  Actually, Wynter starts the night by falling asleep in her baby swing, then when she wakes up around 1am I bring her to bed with us and nurse her back to sleep.  So, while I am a huge advocate of co-sleeping, I won't lie and say that it's an easy choice, or that it's comfortable, or that I don't often wish I had her sleeping in a crib instead of our bed.  That said, I do actually think it's much easier for me to at least have her sleeping in our room than in her own room.

I know co-sleeping has been advertised (literally) as dangerous for babies.  The truth is that, when done safely, co-sleeping actually helps to prevent SIDS.  Even having baby sleep in a crib in your room helps, you don't actually have to bed-share for baby to reap some of the benefits of co-sleeping.  Here's some a lot of information on co-sleeping:

By Dr. Sears (I go to Dr. Sears' website for answers to so many things now, as a reference I think his site is one of the best.)
Scientific Benefits of Co-sleeping (same link as the one 2 paragraphs up)
7 Benefits of Sleeping Close to Your Baby
Co-Sleeping: Yes, No, Sometimes? (My favorite go to article on how close proximity sleeping arrangements are good for baby.)
SIDS and co-sleeping
Safe Co-sleeping Habits

Dr. McKenna
Advantages of co-sleeping
Long-term effects
Addressing co-sleeping risks

Dr. Jay Gordon (I use his website second to Dr. Sears' as a reference when I need information on many different topics.)
Safe Co-sleeping
Sleep, Changing Patterns in the Family Bed (This is most likely the method we'll use for moving Wynter from our bed to her own crib when she's old enough.)

I know there are many good reasons for why parents may decide using a crib is a better option for them.  We certainly had our own reasons for making that decision with Oliver.  Just like breastfeeding is medically known as the best choice for feeding babies in most cases, I think co-sleeping is the best sleep option medically in most cases. However, every parent has to choose what is best for everyone involved, and sometimes that means that co-sleeping is not going to be their best choice.  I certainly believe that, as parents, we all try to make the best choices for our own personal circumstances.  As someone who has done both, I will not be the mother that judges another for their sleep arrangement choices.

My Parenting Decisions: Breastfeeding and Formula Part 2

Formula

Mostly I want to talk about my breastfeeding journey with Wynter, but first I think I'll tell you about the formula journey with Oliver.  I don't think you hear about formula feeding journey's often.  I mean there really isn't a lot to tell, right?  You go to the store, buy some formula, fix the bottle, feed the baby.  Yet, there is more to it.  There are choices to be made about what brand to buy, whether to get powdered or prepared formula, and then there is always the story of how we ended up doing formula in the first place.

As I mentioned in my last post, I had totally planned on breastfeeding.  My Mom breastfed me for 2 years, as well as most of my siblings (one self-weaned at a year, and one was adopted).  I was exposed to breastfeeding as a child and grew up understanding that it's the natural way to feed babies, so for me it was an easy decision, of course I would breastfeed.  Then Oliver was born.  He wouldn't latch, and that meant he was hungry all the time, and I became increasingly stressed that he wasn't eating.  On day 3 I reached out to a friend who let me temporarily borrow her pump.  However, it wasn't long after I started pumping that I began to lose my milk supply.  One night I spent hours pumping, feeding, pumping, feeding, because Oliver was so hungry and I couldn't pump enough for him at one time.  The next day I went out and bought formula.  Oliver was fed formula from that moment until he was 1 year old.

We began with Similac Sensitive formula.  Eventually we realized that the contents of Similac Sensitive, and Parent's Choice (Wal-Mart brand) Gentle were the same, and since Parent's Choice was so much cheaper we bought that for about 2 months.  Since before Oliver was born we were on WIC (a government supplement program for Women, Infants, and Children) and after he was born we opted for the breastfeeding package.  After we switched to formula I was so ashamed and embarrassed that I wouldn't go back to WIC for fear they would lecture me about giving up on breastfeeding so quickly.  During that time we bought our own formula, thus the decision to use the cheaper Parent's Choice brand.  And actually, the Parent's Choice formula caused the least tummy problems for Oliver.  After a while I realized how expensive formula is and decided to suck up my pride and return to WIC.  We got on the formula program and had to switch back to Similac Sensitive.  We used that until he was 1 year old and we switched to whole milk.

I haven't done a lot of research on formula so I don't know what is best to use, but I can direct you to The Leaky Boob where there is a post full of information on how to make informed choices on formula.

Breastfeeding

After I failed at breastfeeding Oliver I knew with the next baby I would be more prepared and try harder.  My failure didn't defeat me, it made me more determined.  I bought a breastpump and accessories for pumping, I read books, watched videos, and thought about how to fight through the difficult beginning.  I was so ready this time.

At first Wynter latched, no problem.  I was so surprised, and so happy!  But by day 3 she wasn't latching well anymore and rather than fight her I began to use bottles of pumped breastmilk more and more often until I was only trying to get her to latch about once each day, and I was pumping every 2 hours.  It got exhausting.  My back hurt because of how I had to hunch over when pumping.  I hated being tied to that pump.  So many times I wanted to give up.  I cried over it, got angry and frustrated, and by the time she was 6 weeks old I was so done.  

During those weeks of struggling I had a lot of encouragement from friends on Facebook.  They helped me figure out that the difficulties we were having (mostly that she couldn't seem to stay latched on well enough) were due to an extreme lip tie*.  I tried to go to an LLL meeting, but our car was having problems so I never made it.  I did e-mail an LLL leader who suggested I try a nipple shield.  At first I was totally put off by that idea.  I thought it was weird, and might hurt, and I didn't even know how to go about finding and selecting one.  Then, one day at Wal-Mart I saw a Medela Contact Nipple shield. I was curious so I picked it up and read the information on the back of the package.  It even gave instructions on how to measure your nipple so you can select the right size shield.  I didn't buy it then, but a few days later I did.  By the time I actually purchased and used the the shield Wynter was 7 weeks old.  

The shield was super easy to use and, for us, worked a miracle!  I can't even tell you how ecstatic I was that this was working.  The joy was indescribable.  Two days after using the shield successfully I decided to give breastfeeding a go without it.  I didn't expect it to work, but it did!  Wynter latched beautifully and stayed latched.  That day, and the next I used the shield intermittently, whenever I was worried she wouldn't latch without it and didn't want to fight her.  After that it seemed ridiculous to use it because she didn't need it anymore, she was latching and feeding so well without the shield.

Wynter is nearly 4 months old, and breastfeeding is still going strong.  In fact, it's beginning to be more enjoyable as Wynter becomes more interactive.  She's started to unlatch and smile up at me for a bit, then coo as if we're chatting back and forth over a meal, and then latch back on.  Repeat.  It's so adorable!

Many of the ideas I had about breastfeeding have been changed, and I think it's a good idea to share those.  I know it's easier for me to be open to new ideas if I know of someone who has started with the same thoughts as me, and then changed to different thoughts on the same topic through experience or research.  So here is a list of the ideas I had about breastfeeding that have since changed:

• Breastfeeding is natural, thus easy.   Breastfeeding is natural, but it is not always easy.  With both of my children we've had latching issues that have caused me great stress and discomfort. 
• Breastfeeding is private.  I always thought it was inappropriate to breastfeed without covering up and I have spoken strongly against not using some sort of cover in public.  However, though I would use one at the beginning when it's harder to be discreet about nursing, and I still use a cover in restaurants and at church, at a park and at home when people are visiting I have stopped using a cover.  The weather here is getting hotter and it's stuffy and hot under a cover for Wynter.  We have gotten so accustomed to nursing that it's easy for me to get her latched on without exposing myself to the world, and after she's latched I can easily keep my shirt covering enough of my boob that only someone who is actually looking down on me from directly above would see any boob skin.  I think women should feel free to do what is comfortable for them and their baby.
• It will be weird to have my baby talk to me while nursing.  Since Wynter has started taking little nursing breaks to coo and smile at me and it is the most adorable thing, I don't think it will be that strange when those coos become babbles and the babbles become words.
• Nursing beyond 1 year is strange.  After going through the struggles that I did, I want Wynter to nurse as long as she wants.  It seems strange to me to ask her to stop before she's ready after we worked so hard to get it going in the first place.
• Breastfeeding will be enjoyable and I will love it.  It might seem strange, but after the initial joy of finally getting breastfeeding to work for us, breastfeeding became boring and more like a chore.  Now that Wynter is taking those breaks to "chat" it is becoming more enjoyable, and more like a special time for us to bond, but for a while I would inwardly groan when she was hungry and I had to nurse her.
• With the success of breastfeeding, I will never use formula again.  That's like saying that your toddler will never have McDonalds, which for us wasn't true.  I don't let Oliver eat junk often, but every now and then he will have a McD's cheeseburger and fries.  It's the same with Wynter and formula.  It's easier for me to have formula around for when Andrew and I go on dates than it is to pump breastmilk.  So, yes, Wynter does occasionally get formula and I don't feel guilty about that at all.  It's life.  I kind of appreciate having it there for date nights, it makes it easier to leave knowing she has an abundant supply of food in case she's really hungry while I'm gone.

*Information on lip tie and tongue tie.