Dark Clouds

I don't normally like to compare gloomy feelings with "gloomy" weather because I am a huge fan of rain, dark clouds, lightning storms, cold, so called gloomy weather.  However, dark clouds blot out the sun, just like depression and feelings of hopelessness blot out happiness and joy, so I think the comparison is appropriate.

If I were a character in Winnie the Pooh, it would be Eeyore.

 Lately that's how I've felt, I mentioned it in my last post, like dark clouds have blocked out the happiness and joy that my life should bring. 

I should say here that I do not want to write about this at all, but I am because this is something everyone says you shouldn't hide, and because my tendency is to hide it in shame and fear, but if I knew someone who was going through this I would want them to be open about it so that I could be supportive and helpful.

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"Good morning, Pooh Bear," said Eeyore gloomily. "If it is a good morning," he said. "Which I doubt," said he.

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 Postpartum depression (ugh, even the name is depressing) is supposedly very common.  I'll spare you statistics and symptoms because you can Google it and find millions of sites giving you that information.  Even though I wasn't diagnosed with it last time, I am certain it stole the first 5-7 months after Oliver was born.  I started pulling out of it because of the holidays, but I don't think it was until after we moved when he was 9 months old that it was completely gone.

This time I fought really hard against getting depressed because I didn't want to feel that way ever again.  Anytime I thought I might be getting depressed I would try to identify something that would lift my spirits and do it, or identify what was causing it and fix it if possible.  Recently, nothing was working.

(Side note: this showed up in my Facebook feed this morning. Please listen to the interview, it's really very good.)

God is an amazing God. As I talked about in my last post He used a song to really uplift my spirit.  He gave me a break yesterday too, it was the easiest, most stress free day I've had in weeks.  His timing is impeccable as well.  I had given up and given in.  I no longer cared if I spent the day on the couch.  Just doing the basics (changing diapers, getting dressed, fixing food, etc.) had become so difficult.  I repeatedly thought things like, "I hate my life", or "I hate myself", or "why did I ever think I could be a good mom". 

It took me a long time to admit I was feeling this way too. I thought that if I admitted it then I was saying several things, that I wasn't a good mom, that I didn't love my husband or children, that I was not thankful or unsatisfied with the life God had given me, even that I was losing site of the Gospel because I was feeling hopeless.  There is also that irrational (though it really doesn't feel irrational, and for me has been the overriding reason for remaining in denial outwardly) fear that if you admit to feeling this way then the state will be notified that you are not a fit parent and your kids will be taken away from you.

Here is the hard truth that I had to face, my hopelessness was a product of my happiness relying on things and people who are not God and can only provide temporary, imperfect happiness and joy.  When I faced that it didn't make me feel any less depressed, in fact I think that's when I decided to just give up because I despaired in the fact that I could not bring myself to stop idolizing people and things and place my reliance in God alone.  It wasn't until God reminded me, through the song 10,000 Reasons (Bless the Lord) by Matt Redman, that it isn't by my own strength that I can change, but by God's.  That is the glorious truth that renewed my spirit and lifted me out of the extreme hopelessness I had found myself in.