The Messy Truth

I am a person who likes to find the answer to a problem.  I'll search everywhere to find the perfect solution, the one piece of the puzzle that makes the whole thing clearer and less confusing.  Parenting is a huge, trillion piece puzzle, and the pieces are scattered everywhere. 

I adore my children.  I love them so much my heart overflows with it.  No matter what they do I will always love them and I will always want the best for them.  That said, they can absolutely drive me insane!  I mean tear my hair out, scream into a pillow, hide in a dark corner crazy.  Maybe you're laughing, but don't.  I'm not exaggerating.  I'm not trying to make something difficult sound funny.  I'm telling you the messy truth.  It's scary, and infuriating, and so frustrating.

Parenting is not easy.  It's not meant to be, but somehow I thought it would be a little easier than it sometimes is. Oliver throws these tantrums that, maybe aren't as bad as some, but are pretty terrible to me.  Some of them he decides to throw everything in his reach, or he might start upturning his play kitchen and play grill and his art table, other times he'll fling his arms everywhere hitting anything and anyone in his path.  Many times he'll do all of those. He has one or two of those every single day.

I'm not going to list all of Oliver's short comings, or Wynters (though she can have some crazy fits of her own, and that girl has got some lungs!).  If I did that I'd have to list my own.  No one is perfect.  No one can be.  Sin is a part of us from the moment of conception.  There is no avoiding it.  God can save us from our sin, but the world is still full of it and because we are in this world we still deal with it and we are still affected by it.  So back to the puzzle of parenting...

I have read books and books about parenting.  They all give hope, "this time will pass", "be consistent and your children will thank you when they're older", etc.  Some of them have funny anecdotes designed to make you feel better because you can relate.  Some have specific ideas about what Christian parenting looks like.  But not one of them has made me feel like I finally have answers for how to deal with the now. 

I want the perfect answer.  The one that will calm Oliver's tantrums, and will magically make him as close to perfect as he'll ever be on this earth.  When he throws things do I scold him, spank him, or hold him?  I still don't know.  It drives me crazy that I don't know and that I don't know how to figure out the answer.  I cannot find this piece of the puzzle.  I feel like I should know, I grew up with 6 siblings, I worked in a daycare, and I still have no clue what I am doing!  It's infuriating! But I do know this, God loves me unconditionally.  God will always listen to my frustrations, my desperate pleas, my screams when words just aren't expressive enough.  God will hold me during my tantrums, and He will show me the way somehow.  That's the only answer I have.  The only hope I truly have, because no one can guarantee that things will get easier, sometimes they don't.  The only guarantee is that no matter what God will be my guide, my rock, my safe place, my hope. 

And I am not in this alone, I have a husband to share the burden with.  Granted he doesn't have all the answers either, but we're in it together.  That is comforting.

So, when you're feeling desperate because you don't have answers that you can't seem to find... you're not alone.  I don't have the answers either, and I feel desperate too.  God is there for me, even if I forget that sometimes, and He is there for you.

Welcoming 2013!

It's a new year!  I always feel like a new year brings a fresh slate, an opportunity to make changes for the better that may have been hard to start in the middle of the year.  We don't make new year resolutions, I feel they're too easy to make and too easy to break.  I do set goals for the next year though.  Small and large goals, steps that will take me in a direction I wish to go.  Some of them are personal, some are family related, and some are always faith related. 

I like to take the first week of a new year and reflect on the past, focus on what I would like to change or improve, make note of those things in my life I'd like to completely get rid of, etc.  I'm not always good at sticking to my goals, sometimes they fall by the wayside in favor of things more important, or I realize they weren't that important to me in the first place and I don't want to devote time to them. 

My goals always change throughout the year, and I guess that's where I believe they differ from resolutions.  In my mind resolutions do not change, they're not living growing things, they are fixed and immovable and that's why they are harder to keep.  We need to be able to make changes, add or drop things as life happens.  We cannot know what tomorrow will bring, but we can plan for what we hope and then remain flexible for change as needed. 


I hope everyone had a wonderful beginning to 2013, and I pray whether you make resolutions, or goals, or whatever it is you do, that you are able to accomplish all you hope to this year.