Weariness

The past 2+ weeks have been wearisome.  They've been trying and physically tiring, but more than that they've been wearing.  The weekdays are difficult for sure, but the weekends are worse.  We, Andrew and I, expect the weekends to be a time of getting things done, spending time together, and relaxing.  Instead our weekend days blur into one seemingly short day filled with each of us taking turns sleeping, or caring for one kid or the other, cooking or cleaning, etc.  We spend our weekends working side by side instead of enjoying one another face to face ("side by side" and "face to face" are concepts I grabbed from Real Marriage by Mark and Grace Driscoll).  This wears on me, and on our relationship.

I find that the lack of face to face time for Andrew and I, as well as the stress that outside situations put on me, have drained me of joy in every day life.  Yesterday I was inconsolably sad.  Andrew always feels helpless and frustrated when I am sad and he can't figure out why or figure out how to make me happy.  I told him that between Oliver being sick, and Wynter being extraordinarily fussy, and us not having any time alone together, I feel drained.  I said that I am not enjoying Wynter like I want to because it seems as though the only time I get with her is when I'm feeding her or she's fussing, and the same with Oliver.  I told him that I am not enjoying our children, and since we have very little time together I have almost no opportunities to enjoy him, and there is very little in life that I am finding any joy in.

The man declares, I am weary, O God; I am weary, O God, and worn out.

Proverbs 30:1

That could be words directly from my own mouth right now.  I am weary and worn out, completely drained.

I am just struggling along some days.

Today I was just blasted with messages from God.  One of them spoke to this exactly and was so encouraging.  I went over to the girltalk blog with the purpose of looking at the store section.  There are some wall hangings I'd like to get... two actually.  Instead I noticed a new blog post entitled "When Life is Hard" written by Carolyn Mahaney.  Well, life is hard for me right now so I was interested in what she had to say. WOW.  I pretty much was speechless for a long time. I read it more than once, maybe 3 or 4 times.  I went and read the scriptures quoted.  I was in awe of how perfectly every word seemed like God talking directly to me.  And I walked away with the reminder that though life is hard right now I have hope in Christ, hope for a better future, even if that isn't until I get to heaven.  And honestly my struggles are nothing compared to some, but they are struggles.  I needed them to be acknowledged as reality and then given hope and that is exactly what God did through Carolyn's blog post.  I encourage you to go read it.  Then bookmark it for when you need it, because you will need that reminder.

I am weary, but I have a hope that carries me on.

Sex, Marriage, & Fairytales

Things you should know...

After giving birth to our first born, Oliver, I wrote a comical little list titled Things they should tell you when/before you get pregnant.  I'm working on another list now that Wynter is born, but thought I'd share this one in the mean time.  Enjoy! Laugh!  It's meant to be comically true!

Things they should tell you when/before you get pregnant:

1. That no matter what you think labor will be like, it won't and you'll hate it and wish that you'd never gotten pregnant (at least until you hold your baby, then all memories of how painful it was will pass).
2. Labor and delivery are so traumatizing to your body that when all is done you will shake like nobodies business and feel extremely cold.
3. Again, after it is all done you'll forget how hard and awful it was and all you'll be able to think about is how precious your baby is and how happy you are now.
4. Nursing is very difficult. Baby has to learn as well as you how to do it and it can be very frustrating for both of you and may end in tears on both ends as well.
5. No matter how healthy your baby is you will constantly be checking on him/her while he/she is sleeping to make sure your baby is still alive.
6. No matter how much you think you'll love the time to relax and take it easy for the first few weeks after baby is born, you will end up feeling like you have no time/energy to get things done and you will feel discouraged that your kitchen is a mess, or your floor needs vacuuming, etc.
7. You will NOT want daddy to go back to work and it may cause or add to a bout of depression when he does.
8. Everything that seems out of the ordinary will freak you out and cause you to call grandma in the middle of the night for advice on whether to call the doctor. Then in the morning you will call the doctor, still very worried, and find out that there is nothing to worry about.
9. Your appetite will not be what it was when baby was in your womb, but if you are breastfeeding then you will still need to eat regularly and very healthy.
10. You may think that it will be okay that baby wakes up lots during the night because daddy can help with that... the truth is that (if you are breastfeeding) he can't help and so there is no reason for him to get up and you may feel jealous of all the sleep he is getting.
11. The breast pump is a breastfeeding mother's best friend! Buy one! Rent one! or borrow one from a friend! You will not regret it!
12. Pitocin absolutely sucks! Do everything you can to avoid it. It will make your contractions extra painful.
13. As much as you may be tempted to drink castor oil in order to induce labor, don't do it! You will hate yourself later. It is a very very bad idea. Yes it works, but there is a price to pay and it isn't pleasant.

There are many other things that I am sure I will add later, but I can't think of them right now. Honestly, the thing that is most important out of all of these is this:

Breastfeeding is difficult. It can and most likely will be very frustrating. You will want to give up. You will feel like a failure when you can't get your baby to latch on and nurse. You might be up with your baby for 2+ hours just trying to get him to nurse and finally your baby will be exhausted and fall back to sleep and you will feel horrible that your baby is hungry but there seems to be nothing you can do about it. You may turn to a breast pump for help and then feel even more like a failure for giving up so easily. It will drain you emotionally and physically, especially if you really want to breastfeed. If you expect it to be easy, you will be devastated when it isn't. However, when your baby finally does latch on and nurses till he/she is full there is no greater joy and relief than to see how content he/she is.

Some comical notes on this: 

I did try castor oil again, ignoring my own advice.  I won't ever try it again.  It didn't work this time.

The shaking I had last time was most likely due to the pitocin I had in my system, not my body going into shock. I didn't have pitocin this time and did not end up shaking or feeling so cold.

The breast pump is still, in my opinion, a mothers best friend.  But I will also add that it can become your worst enemy too.  Either you will love it because it is helpful, or you will hate it because it is time consuming and annoying. 

A Mother's Anger

I have issues with anger.  We all do to some extent.  There isn't a single human being who has never gotten angry in their life.  I have levels of anger and different ways it presents itself.  If I'm angry at Andrew I get quiet and withdraw, but if I'm angry with Oliver I can be very vocal about it.  That's being too nice, the truth is that there are times when I am angry with Oliver that I get very awful.  I have been known to scream at him, growl angry words at him, even throw an adult version of a tantrum because I'm so angry that he's not doing what I want him to do.  I'm confessing sin here, an area in my life that needs a lot of work.

Yeah, I can look a lot like this (minus the megaphone):

It's embarrassing, shameful, and I hate myself directly after acting out in anger toward my baby boy.  I do always say I'm sorry and that I love him and that it was so very wrong of mommy to get angry like that.  Then I'll hug him and kiss him and be sure he feels my love and doesn't just hear it.  Sometimes, and I should do this every time, I'll say a quick, simple prayer with him confessing my sin and asking God's forgiveness, as well as asking God to help mommy in the future with her anger.

I'm not going to lie, confessing this openly is so hard.  I don't like to admit how awful I can be.  The great thing is that God is working in my life, showing me my sin and helping me to change and grow.  My goal in admitting my problems with anger is to show other moms that struggle with the same thing that they are not alone and also that they don't need to continue on as they are.  We have hope because we can turn to God, give up our anger and the issues that are causing the anger (for me it's about control and selfishness) to Him, and allow Him to transform us into His image.

There is a blog I recently started reading called Femina.  I greatly recommend it.  One of the authors, Rebekah, wrote a blog post about mothers and anger and all the sin surrounding anger.  Something she said was, "the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God".  That really hit me.  All of my anger and yelling and screaming and whatever else isn't going to show Oliver (or Wynter for that matter) the grace of God, nor is it going to produce anything but obedience out of fear.  Nothing good comes from that kind of anger. Nothing.

There was a follow up post about where the anger comes from by Nancy that also hit home.  Nancy is blunt but speaks the truth.  She writes, "Now how can a sweet Christian woman get angry and say “evil” things to her children? Does that mean she has “evil” in her heart? Unfortunately, that’s what it means. We all have evil in our hearts. No one is good. So we all need gospel grace day in and day out.".  She's 100% correct.  The awful anger and hateful things I say come from evil in my heart and because of this I do need "gospel grace" every day.  She goes on to give practical ways to prevent situations that consistently cause mothers to sin with anger.

So, if you are a mom and you struggle with anger (well even if you aren't a mom and you struggle with anger) then know that this sin is not something only you deal with, and know that God's grace covers it, and God can and will transform your heart.  Once we recognize the sin we can begin to address the sin and, by the grace of God, we can change.  By the grace of God I can change and begin to demonstrate God's love and grace instead of my sinful heart. 

A need: Women to mother a new mother

Wynter is almost a month old.  The time really flies by!  She no longer looks like a brand new newborn, she can lift her head quite well, has rolled over twice, doesn't fit into many of her newborn clothes, and has large periods of being awake during the day.  She's still a newborn, but not a new newborn.  One whole month has almost gone and it feels as though it was only one week.

Something I've been painfully aware of (both from the early weeks and months with Oliver, and again this time) is the need to have a group of women who can take a bit of time during the week to help me out.  My family can only do so much and they only have so much time.  I am thankful for everything they do, but more is needed.  If we were more settled here I may have more people in my life who would willingly help, and that is part of the trouble.  Aside from my own situation though I've noticed there is a need, a need for women to help women through the first 2-3 months after a baby is born. 

Things that women can do to help new mothers (and I don't mean new as in first time being a mother, but new as in they have a newborn to care for) is offer to bring over meals, spend time with any older children, clean their home, do their laundry, watch the baby/kids so the new mommy can get a nap, go to LLL meetings with her for support, grocery shop for her, visit with her so she can have some adult interaction, go on a walk with her and the baby/kids, etc.  As a new mother I've spent the last 3 weeks doing a majority of my own cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, and rarely get a nap, and I do not get out of the house during the week at all.  I need a support system.

Now, I know if I am going through this, other moms are too!  And I bet many of them regularly attend church and/or have a group of friends.  This is sad to me.  I think many churches are neglecting this area of ministry.  Maybe they aren't aware it's such a need, or they don't have women that are able to minister this way, but it is a great need and a beautiful way we women can actively display the love of Christ to mothers. 

This society tells us that we shouldn't ask for help.  New mothers are told that they will need help, a support system, and to reach out if they are experiencing symptoms of post partum depression, and yet I know for myself asking for help feels like an admission of failure or inadequacy, and if I feel that way I'm sure others have/ do also.  Because of this I believe that not only should churches have a ministry that helps new mothers, but this help should be offered to them, lets not wait until they ask for it.

I know that there are priorities that need to come before mothering a new mother.  Taking care of ones own family and their needs, work, school, etc.  And in no way do I think anyone should neglect those responsibilities in order to serve someone else, but there must be a few women in each church that can take an hour or so out of their day once a week to meet the needs of a new mother. 

And I want to say I'm not saying all this because I want a bunch of women to come help me now.  I'm saying this because I do need, and would appreciate such help, but more so because if I need it others do too and I think we ought to be meeting this need.

A transformed marriage

Lately I've been thinking about how we have assurance of our salvation.  Now, bear with me because assurance isn't my topic today, but how I got to my conclusion starts here.  So, how do we know we are saved?  Well, there are many thoughts and ideas on this and friends and I discussed this thoroughly.  What is absolutely clear is that when Christ saves a person they become new, they are transformed and continue to be transformed by Christ to be more like Him.

The pastor of a church Andrew and I attended for the first time last Saturday preached on this transformation.  He spoke of how we ought to be so reflecting Christ that people ask us what makes us so different or "weird".  He talked about how our purpose is to bring glory to God and we do that by living a life that is transformed by Christ to reflect Him, a life that points to Christ.  Simply put:

Purpose: Glorify God
How: living a life that reflects Christ
How: allowing the Him to transform us

Now, onto the topic, a transformed marriage.  Andrew and I are reading through Real Marriage by Mark and Grace Driscoll.  It's a really great book and I definitely recommend it.  In the book they point out that the purpose of marriage is to glorify God and reflect Christ and the church.  As Andrew and I discussed this we asked, "How do we have a marriage that obviously glorifies God?"  The answer we came to was that in the same way that we need Christ to daily transform us to be more like Him, we also need Him to daily transform our marriage to reflect Christ and His church... that is how we have a marriage that glorifies God, a marriage that is different enough that others ask us why it is different.

Marriage takes work and commitment.  Just to keep it going takes lots of hard work, determination, and commitment.  To have a marriage that is constantly being transformed by Christ takes Christ, because we can't do it with out Him.  Just as we can't truly change our own selves with out Him, our marriage cannot grow and change without Him.  It is only through Him that we are transformed and our marriage is transformed.

A Christmas Surprise

Wynter Olivia Whiting, 8 hours old. (Photo by David Sanders/Arizona Daily Star

)

Our daughter surprised us by being born on her due date at 5:48 in the morning on Christmas Day.  The whole process of pre-labor, active labor, and delivery went so quickly.  Part of that is due to the fact I didn't realize I was in pre-labor, and only recognized this fact as I was transitioning into active labor.

During pre-labor I ate a bit of dinner at my Mom's house on Christmas Eve before they headed off to church, though not much because I wasn't feeling well.  Pre-labor for me felt like indigestion and constipation and I simply thought I was experiencing a random bit of pregnancy discomfort, not anything that would lead to labor.  I also whipped up two batches of fudge during this time, took a bath to ease the increasing discomfort, and tried to go to sleep (which was impossible because of how icky I felt).

At around 9 in the evening, 4 hours after I first started feeling sick, I began to realize that I may actually be in labor.  I searched the internet to see if others had felt this way at the beginning of labor, or if perhaps it was just some Braxton-Hicks contractions.  By 10pm I was fairly certain I was in labor.  The discomfort was beginning to feel more and more like contractions.  I contacted my sister and asked if she'd be available to come stay with Oliver when we needed to head to the hospital, and I started making sure everything was ready to go.

I was determined not to head to the hospital until absolutely necessary because I wanted to avoid as much hospital intervention as possible, and at midnight I decided it was time to call my sister and have her come over.  At 1am Christmas Day we headed to the hospital where they said I was about 7cm dilated and admitted me.  I spent a lot of time walking the hospital despite the increasingly painful contractions.  I ended up having my water broken by the doctor because I was fully effaced, and 10cm dilated, and they thought the only reason I wasn't ready to push was because there was too much fluid keeping Wynter from dropping low enough.  It wasn't long after my water was broken that I began to push.

It was so different this time around.  With Oliver the urge to push was very strong and I was unable to resist it.  I also didn't experience the "ring of fire", and felt only relief when delivering him.  This time there was only a faint urge to push, but I was determined.  Though it felt like much longer to me, I'm told by both my Mom and Andrew that I pushed for a total of maybe 15 minutes before Wynter was born.  This time I felt everything, the ring of fire, the stitching up afterward, the pain of after-birth cramps... everything.

Wynter Olivia Whiting was born at 5:48am, December 25th, 2011.  She weighed 8 pounds, 10 ounces at birth, and was 19.75 inches long.  Due to coming through the birth canal so quickly her head was perfectly round, not cone shaped at all.  She had some bruising on her face, but it went away quickly, and a small hemorrhage in her eye that the doctor said will fade with time and won't affect her eyesight at all.  She was born perfectly healthy, with only one minor thing we do have to diligently watch, a herniated belly button. (A herniated belly button is due to the abdominal lining not closing fully before birth and normally fixes itself.  The only way to fix it if it doesn't resolve itself is with surgery, but that is normally not considered until 4 or 5 years old as it can take that long for it to resolve on its own.)

Today marks 2 weeks since her birth.  The time is flying by and we are savoring every moment.