When the joy of others is painful...

This could also be titled, excessively long, as "When the joy of others is painful, and the trials of others seem small".

This morning I woke up angry and bitter, and cranky because of it.  A few days ago I came across a mother's joyful statement on Facebook, celebrating her 2 year old proclaiming, "I love you Mommy!".  She was right to celebrate, and at the time I smiled because I could imagine how lovely it must have been.  And then envy and bitterness started slowly creeping into my heart.  It didn't happen right away.  The post stuck with me over the course of the week and slowly began to turn into a source of bitterness, culminating this morning when I woke up angry, selfishly so.  I don't know when I will be greeted with such a beautiful phrase voluntarily coming from my children's mouth.

Adding to this was another comment about a mother getting stares for something that is really a fantastic and helpful part of parenting for some: babywearing.  I love babywearing, and I've gotten my own stares, my own offers of help, and I just smile because I can only imagine what they are thinking.  I don't think this post was at all anything other than amusement over the situation, but I couldn't help thinking, "Yes, well the stares I get because my 3 year old is screaming and kicking, hitting my face, and thrashing about in my arms because he doesn't want to leave are worse.  You don't know the meaning of being gawked at."  My thoughts were not kind, they were angry and bitter and selfish, and completely misplaced since she wasn't even complaining.

I am thankful for my son, and my daughter.  What they do or don't say, or how they act, doesn't change how much I love them and thank God for them every day.  However, jealousy for what I don't have creeps in from time to time.  I can only imagine what it is like to have your toddler, upon seeing you in the morning, say "I love you Mommy!", and I only wish that the stares I get in public are from simply wearing my children in a carrier.  I wish my children were constantly asking "Why?", "What's that?", or saying "Mama, mama, mama!".

One of the verses I cling to is Romans 8:25 (NIV),

"But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently." 

And pray for it constantly.

I also thought of this verse as I was coming out of my pouty crankiness this morning, Romans 12:15 (ESV),

"Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep."

It is right for me to rejoice in the celebrations of others.  It is also right for me to remember those whose trials are far more than my own, and different, but still deep trials.  (Right now, the depth of my selfishness is horrifying.)

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 (NASB) admonishes me to

 "Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

When left to my own thoughts, selfish ones at that, I become full of self-pity.  I begin to think, "God has given me too much." and "I can't handle this, I am not strong enough."  Jealousy towards other moms who aren't dealing with what I am dealing with begins to fill my heart and a scowl makes my face look cross and ugly.  This past week I have felt the weight of expectations and obligations, and they have seemed insurmountable.  I don't want to be this strong and so I refrained from seeking comfort and strength from God.  The things I face, however, are not going to go away simply because I want life to be easier, and so this morning I stopped being stubborn and turned to God's word for encouragement.

Psalms is always a great place to find honest truth about weariness and despondency and gives me words I can pray.  Psalms 119: 25-28 (NASB) says,

"My soul cleaves to the dust;

Revive me according to Your word.

I have told of my ways, and You have answered me;

Teach me Your Statutes.

Make me understand the way of Your precepts,

So I will meditate on Your wonders.

My soul weeps because of grief;

Strengthen me according to Your word."

 And so many other verses about God infusing us with strength when we are weak have encouraged me this morning.  Here's a list of them, in case you too are feeling downtrodden and need encouragement:

Psalm 22:19
Psalm 28:6-8
Psalm 46:1-3
Isaiah 33:2
Isaiah 40:27-31
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
Philippians 4:13

Life still looms over me like a dark and terrifying cloud, but I cling to hope and the strength of God this morning.