And That Smile...

I have to admit that I thought I was prepared for the possibility of autism. I'd certainly entertained the thought and dismissed it, only to entertain it again, enough times.  Yet, here I am, completely overwhelmed, and exhausted.

I think emotionally I was ready to begin this journey, at least in part.  The possibility that Oliver is mildly autistic doesn't bother me.  It doesn't frighten me.  It doesn't worry me.  What worries me is the thought of Oliver not receiving services he needs.  Thankfully, at least for this year, I don't have to worry about that.  Oliver qualifies for Occupational and Speech therapy, 20 sessions of each.  Hopefully within a few weeks Oliver will be evaluated by Early Intervention and they will qualify him for preschool services through the public school system, through which he'll also receive any therapy he needs as well.  So, for this year, regardless of if he receives a diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder or not, he'll be getting the extra help he needs, and we'll be learning how to help him at home too.

Yesterday, Oliver had his appointment with the neurologist.  I'm not sure what I was expecting, but I definitely wasn't expecting that the doctor would be simply doing an evaluation very similar to the one our new pediatrician did.  She simply observed and interacted with Oliver, asked me questions about him and Wynter, and then told me to bring him back in six months. She seemed to focus on odd things, like the fact that Wynter doesn't seem to be showing any autistic symptoms right now, and the fact that Oliver and I are fairly similar (does she think he just inherited every single "quirk" from me?), and she seemed to think that if Oliver received speech therapy and preschool services he will just blossom and the things we see as symptoms of autism now will disappear.

I have to admit that I initially felt disappointed and frustrated that she didn't order tests (because I had expected at least that much), and to a small extent I did feel like she wasn't listening to me.  At one point we were discussing Oliver's words, he currently says "hi" or "hey" and "no" somewhat appropriately, and without prompting.  He's begun to try and imitate some other words if we say them first, one of them is "Mama".  However, he hasn't noticeably connected that word with me, and he might imitate "Mama" but then he will go on to start saying "mamamamama", so I can't even be sure he understands that it is a word at all.  When he imitated the word at the neurologist's yesterday she seemed to take that as an indication that he knows what he is saying and who "Mama" is, even though when she asked him "Where is Mama?" he wandered in my direction but didn't look at me, point at me, or actually go to me.

I don't want to exaggerate Oliver's problems.  More than anything I'd love to have him turn and look at me and say "Mama" and know he understands what he's saying.  I also don't want to understate the issues we're seeing and dealing with, that won't help anyone.  It irritates me when others seem to minimize what we're concerned about.  It's also hard to trust my emotions on this.  The neurologist did say she saw a great need for speech therapy and preschool services, so logically I don't think she was minimizing anything.  She did seem to think all his problems stem from his speech delay, which I disagree with and so that put me emotionally on edge.  I have to remember she's a neurologist who specializes in pediatric neurology and specifically in epilepsy in children, which is not what we're dealing with.  She's important to the diagnosis because, as far as I understand, she looks for any underlying neurological cause, but it is the developmental pediatrician who will be able to give a more in depth look into Oliver's developmental delays.

In the mean time, Oliver's smile brings me out of this maze of questions and doctors and appointments, and back into the here and now to enjoy him as he is.  God didn't make any mistakes when he made Oliver, and his smile is a constant reminder to find the joy in him just as he is right now.