Entering a Whole New World

This post might be really disjointed.  I have so much to say, but it's all a jumble in my head right now.  I'm sorry if it's hard to follow.

This last Wednesday, March 13th, I took Oliver for a well-check visit with a new pediatrician.  Our previous one hadn't been listening to any of our concerns (unless they become un-ignorable) and the last time I'd tentatively approached the idea of more global developmental delays than just speech, in Oliver, he smirked and laughed off my concerns, even interrupted me several times.  He tried to appease me by silently skimming an Aspergers check-list, and then assuring me there was no cause for worry.  Not only did I feel like he saw me as an overly concerned mother to be placated and ignored, I began to convince myself that I was seeing problems where there were none, and I began to seriously doubt my own instincts.

Thankfully, I have people around me who are not so easily deterred.  My mother continued to express concerns, encouraging me to seek a second opinion; Andrew's mother expressed some observations that might indicate Oliver could be on the autism spectrum; and then my sister expressed those same concerns and asked if we'd consulted his doctor about possible autism spectrum symptoms.  Others have expressed their own concerns/opinions regarding Oliver's development in the last year as well, but it was really this sequence of events that pushed me to seek out that second opinion. 

I am so glad I did!

Our new pediatrician, Dr. S, completely validated all my concerns, and was proactive from the moment I met him in listening to me and moving forward.  In the one visit he asked me questions, observed Oliver, went through an autism risk assessment called M-CHAT with me, and last but not least he agreed that Oliver displays many behaviors and developmental delays that more than call for further testing and evaluating.

Dr. S gave us referrals to a neurologist and developmental pediatrician, as well as setting up a referral to the Early Childhood Intervention program who will do their own assessment and help us place Oliver in a preschool program that will provide therapy to address any developmental delays/issues he is diagnosed with.  That is the exciting part!  We finally have a medical professional supporting us and helping us move forward.  The hard part is that all of this will take time.  An ECI representative should contact us within a month to set up an in home assessment, the wait time to see the neurologist is expected to be about a month to a month and a half, but the developmental pediatrician has a wait list of 1 year.  Along with that, Dr. S told me that the neurologist will likely run a myriad of tests, possibly even an MRI. (I'm actually reading a book by Dr. Robert Sears about this whole process and there are string of things the neurologist may or may not test for, and it seems there are many different kinds of tests that they do.  The neurologist will likely be the one to make the diagnosis of autism, if that's what we're dealing with, which is likely. The developmental pediatrician can also make that diagnosis, but we probably won't see her until after all the tests are done with the neurologist.)

So, I want to refer back to that M-CHAT assessment now.  There are 23 questions on the assessment, 7 of which are trigger questions.  Dr. S asked me each question and I answered to the best of my knowledge, and then he scored it.  Out of the 7 trigger questions (referred to as the Best7 on the test sheet), only 2 must be failed in order for a child to be considered at risk for autism. According to my answers Oliver failed 5 out of the 7.  If you want to see what the M-CHAT test goes over you can find it here.  I'm not going to share what questions of the best7 Oliver failed right now.

I won't lie, coming away from that visit to Dr. S with a way to move forward and a fairly good idea of what we're facing, was a huge relief.  I've been struggling with the possibilities of what could be going on with him for months, and yes, autism was brought up and considered.  To finally not be the one sorting through all the different possible diagnosis, causes, etc. was a huge burden off my back.  However, today (Thursday, as it's almost Friday now), the enormity of autism spectrum disorders and the wide range of symptoms that Oliver could experience settled heavily on me.  There is so much I don't know about autism, and now so much I need to learn.  I've begun by buying and reading Dr. Robert Sears's book on autism and autism spectrum disorders, which so far has solidified my belief that Oliver is autistic.  For those of you curious, I will list Oliver's current symptoms in the next blog post (which I'll do tomorrow since I can't even keep my eyes open right now).

Regardless of Oliver's final diagnosis, one thing remains the same: Oliver is my wonderful, smart, fun little boy who I love very much.  A label won't change that, it will only help us understand him better, and hopefully allow us to help him more as well.

The Joyful Truth

Going into parenthood my expectations were... off, to say the least.  A lot of the things I've learned, encountered, had to deal with have come as a surprise.  Some things have even been shocking.  I've had to do a lot of readjusting my goals and my expectations.  For this reason I try to be very real with all of my siblings and friends who will (hopefully) someday be parents themselves.

Though parenting is the hardest job I've ever had and ever will have, I don't want anyone to be discouraged by the prospect of becoming a parent.  Children are amazing little miracles.  My kids have brought me many of my most joyful moments in life so far.  They've given me more tears of joy than the weddings of my family and friends.  In many ways they've taught me how to be a kid again.  I've rediscovered the fun of building little waffle block towns, of twirling until we're too dizzy to walk, of ring-around-the-rosie and falling down on purpose.  What child and adult alike doesn't enjoy building tents of blankets and chairs and couch cushions?

Oliver and Wynter show me the beauty in the vibrant colors of a flower that I might have otherwise overlooked; the wonder of a bird taking flight; even millions of different particles making up a handful of dirt.  Their curiosity forces me to see the little things in God's creation that are so easily overlooked or ignored.

The pure excitement expressed in Oliver's "Yay!" never fails to make me smile.

The dimple God placed on Wynter's right cheek when she smiles can take my frown and immediately turn it into a huge grin.  Even while tears stream down my face.

Snuggles in the morning.

Tickle fests in the afternoon.

Chasing them through the house in the evening.

Absolutely nothing compares!

Nothing!

Yes, I have never ending tales of overwhelming frustrations that have driven me to my knees in tears, but as often as that happens, I wouldn't trade any of it for the world.  Be prepared to cry harder than you ever have, but to also laugh harder.  Be prepared to pull your hair out, but also to smile widely as you do.  Be prepared for everything, because they will take everything, but they will also give you everything.

I thank God for these children, they have blessed my life in wondrous ways!

The Messy Truth

I am a person who likes to find the answer to a problem.  I'll search everywhere to find the perfect solution, the one piece of the puzzle that makes the whole thing clearer and less confusing.  Parenting is a huge, trillion piece puzzle, and the pieces are scattered everywhere. 

I adore my children.  I love them so much my heart overflows with it.  No matter what they do I will always love them and I will always want the best for them.  That said, they can absolutely drive me insane!  I mean tear my hair out, scream into a pillow, hide in a dark corner crazy.  Maybe you're laughing, but don't.  I'm not exaggerating.  I'm not trying to make something difficult sound funny.  I'm telling you the messy truth.  It's scary, and infuriating, and so frustrating.

Parenting is not easy.  It's not meant to be, but somehow I thought it would be a little easier than it sometimes is. Oliver throws these tantrums that, maybe aren't as bad as some, but are pretty terrible to me.  Some of them he decides to throw everything in his reach, or he might start upturning his play kitchen and play grill and his art table, other times he'll fling his arms everywhere hitting anything and anyone in his path.  Many times he'll do all of those. He has one or two of those every single day.

I'm not going to list all of Oliver's short comings, or Wynters (though she can have some crazy fits of her own, and that girl has got some lungs!).  If I did that I'd have to list my own.  No one is perfect.  No one can be.  Sin is a part of us from the moment of conception.  There is no avoiding it.  God can save us from our sin, but the world is still full of it and because we are in this world we still deal with it and we are still affected by it.  So back to the puzzle of parenting...

I have read books and books about parenting.  They all give hope, "this time will pass", "be consistent and your children will thank you when they're older", etc.  Some of them have funny anecdotes designed to make you feel better because you can relate.  Some have specific ideas about what Christian parenting looks like.  But not one of them has made me feel like I finally have answers for how to deal with the now. 

I want the perfect answer.  The one that will calm Oliver's tantrums, and will magically make him as close to perfect as he'll ever be on this earth.  When he throws things do I scold him, spank him, or hold him?  I still don't know.  It drives me crazy that I don't know and that I don't know how to figure out the answer.  I cannot find this piece of the puzzle.  I feel like I should know, I grew up with 6 siblings, I worked in a daycare, and I still have no clue what I am doing!  It's infuriating! But I do know this, God loves me unconditionally.  God will always listen to my frustrations, my desperate pleas, my screams when words just aren't expressive enough.  God will hold me during my tantrums, and He will show me the way somehow.  That's the only answer I have.  The only hope I truly have, because no one can guarantee that things will get easier, sometimes they don't.  The only guarantee is that no matter what God will be my guide, my rock, my safe place, my hope. 

And I am not in this alone, I have a husband to share the burden with.  Granted he doesn't have all the answers either, but we're in it together.  That is comforting.

So, when you're feeling desperate because you don't have answers that you can't seem to find... you're not alone.  I don't have the answers either, and I feel desperate too.  God is there for me, even if I forget that sometimes, and He is there for you.

Welcoming 2013!

It's a new year!  I always feel like a new year brings a fresh slate, an opportunity to make changes for the better that may have been hard to start in the middle of the year.  We don't make new year resolutions, I feel they're too easy to make and too easy to break.  I do set goals for the next year though.  Small and large goals, steps that will take me in a direction I wish to go.  Some of them are personal, some are family related, and some are always faith related. 

I like to take the first week of a new year and reflect on the past, focus on what I would like to change or improve, make note of those things in my life I'd like to completely get rid of, etc.  I'm not always good at sticking to my goals, sometimes they fall by the wayside in favor of things more important, or I realize they weren't that important to me in the first place and I don't want to devote time to them. 

My goals always change throughout the year, and I guess that's where I believe they differ from resolutions.  In my mind resolutions do not change, they're not living growing things, they are fixed and immovable and that's why they are harder to keep.  We need to be able to make changes, add or drop things as life happens.  We cannot know what tomorrow will bring, but we can plan for what we hope and then remain flexible for change as needed. 


I hope everyone had a wonderful beginning to 2013, and I pray whether you make resolutions, or goals, or whatever it is you do, that you are able to accomplish all you hope to this year.

Christmas with the Whiting Family, 2012

This Christmas has been a roller coaster of emotions for me.  I actually cried ON Christmas day!  I adore Christmas, and begin a countdown come September every year, so crying on Christmas day is just totally off for me.

There are a lot of reasons why Christmas was hard this year.  We had a much smaller budget (last years was significantly higher than this years), I had to un-decorate the tree, plans were jumbled at best, and the list goes on.  It was a very big learning experience.  It was re-affirmed many times over that I do not do well with vague plans, that I am indeed an introvert, that no matter how much I want it I cannot have a Martha Stewart perfect home with little children (and may never have one), and that Christmas is NOT about spending money, or baking loads of sweets, or decorating perfectly.  No, Christmas is about God humbling himself and becoming a little baby, Jesus, as part of His grande and perfect plan to save us all from our sin.

It's so hard to remember the gospel in Christmas when every where around you is the pressure to materialize it.  I think everything that seemed to put a strain on our holidays was designed to point me back to Christ, and it did.  However, God did bless us this year despite our limitations.  The kids have many wonderful new toys even though we could only get them 2 each, we spent 3 joyous days celebrating and 2 of those with family, and I have a plan to help reduce stress and financial strain for next year!

Christmas Day was also Wynter's birthday!  It's still so strange to think of that.  Though we will be celebrating her birthday in January this year, and will continue to set aside a separate time each year for her special day, we cannot ignore that last year she was born on Christmas Day, and she will always be a year older come Christmas morning.

Here are some wonderful photos we took before I un-decorated the tree:

Parenting with love and grace

It's really easy for me to become overwhelmed and frustrated with two little toddlers underfoot.  These little, adorable, monsters make unending messes, demand 99% of my time and attention, and can scream loud and long.  Feeding them the food they need can often be a strain on my creativity (spaghetti happens to work well for getting in their grains and veggies).  Figuring out games that keep their attention, or gain it in the first place, is often a source of frustration for me.  I often feel like I'm struggling to figure out this parenting thing, and I often feel like I'm going to go insane from a messy, unorganized house.

I just finished vacuuming the entire living room floor because Oliver had flung coconut everywhere.  There is a jacket on the living room chair, two more on the couch next to a hanger and two mismatched socks.  Two blankets are bunched up at the foot of the chair, and next to that is the diaper bag.  On the floor in front of the bookcase are two books, another hanger, and a pair of Wynter's jeans.  Our Christmas tree has only lights and ribbon messily resting on oddly bent branches from being pulled down and otherwise messed with by little hands. I had to take down the ornaments because those same little hands enjoyed taking off the sparkling things too much.

It can be really hard for me to see the humor or joy in coconut flakes littering the floor like a light dusting of snow.  My first reaction is to be angry.  Why in the world would Oliver fling coconut everywhere?  What made him think that was a good idea?  Now I have to vacuum the floor, and coconut that I was using for cookies has been wasted.

Today it was easier to laugh, and I did.  I thought about how it looked like it had snowed inside our home, and thought to myself how Oliver must be missing snow (not that he's ever seen snow) as much as me.  I didn't get mad.  But had it been yesterday I would have been furious!  Certainly not the best, nor the correct reaction and example.

I don't know why I expect my kids to be perfect angels when I myself don't even come close, but I find that I do expect much of these little people.  I expect joyful obedience 90% of the time, I expect them to clean up their messes, I expect them to think and act rationally... expecting all of that is not rational!  Now I don't exactly think about the fact that I expect it, but my reactions when things don't go according to my expectations certainly are evidence enough.

 These little people come into a sinful world, with a sinful heart, and cannot be expected to think or act like good little children without being taught.  Patiently taught, because any parent can tell you that after the 100th time of saying no to the same thing these little ones still don't quite get it.  God tells us to train our children in the way they should go.  That takes work, patience, perseverance, grace, and God.  Left on my own I am a slave to my unrealistic expectations and constant frustration.  Only with God can I train these little ones in His ways with love and grace.  I am thankful that God shows me more mercy, love, and grace than I can comprehend, and I pray that He will help me to demonstrate this to my own children.

6 Medium Peeled, Thinly Sliced Tart Apples

This afternoon, as soon as the children were down for their afternoon naps, I decided to dive into making the apple pie I've been meaning to tackle for a week now.  I can't remember the last time I made a pie, and I have never made one without my mother helping me.  I can't even remember if I've ever rolled out and placed pie crust before!  So, this project, well it made me a little nervous, but I so want to make pies with my children for holidays or just special desserts and there is just something about making your own pie from scratch and then eating that first slice.  Complete satisfaction.  Anyway, so I tackled this today.

First, the pie crust was the most daunting part to me.  I remember that my mom hates making pie crust and it has always seemed so difficult to do correctly.  But either I made the pie crust or the pie would never get made, so I got together all the ingredients and utensils, turned on some Christmas music and set about making that crust.  It actually wasn't terrible.  I just hope that all in all it turns out okay.  When I got around to rolling it out and placing it in the dish things did get a little tricky and my pie crust is definitely not going to look pretty.

Next I had 6 medium Granny Smith apples to slice.  Here I made the rookie mistake of slicing all the apples beautifully BEFORE I peeled them.  Yes.  I forgot to peel the apples before I sliced them.  I didn't even realize I had made this mistake until I began to put them in the bowl to mix with the sugar, cinnamon, nutmeg, and flour.  Thankfully I only put in a few slices before realizing my mistake, but then I had to spend the next 20 minutes carefully peeling each slice.  I tried several methods, none of which was great, but I did get them all mostly peeled.  I am sure I'll never make that mistake again.

After mixing the pie filling, and rolling out the bottom pie crust I carefully put the pie together.  The pie crust did give me a little trouble, as I said above, but I figure for the first pie I've made solo it's not expected to look super pretty so I went with good enough.  Same with the top crust, it rolled out just fine, but placing it was a little harder than I expected.

It's almost done and the smell of pie baking is heavenly.  I can't wait to taste it!  If it's even somewhat delicious I'll be trying again closer to Thanksgiving, maybe even making one for after our Thanksgiving feast!  We'll see.

Tips on rolling out and making pie crust look pretty would be greatly appreciated.