Conquering the imaginary

Oliver ran into his room, playing, and ran straight into the corner of his changing table.  Of course it hurt and he started crying so I went to comfort him and right as I reached him I heard this kind of rattling sound... there's a million things it could have been but my mind went straight to "Rattle snake! Get out now!" so I grabbed Oliver and ran out of his room. 

I didn't know how I was going to check this out and make sure there wasn't one, or if there was one how do I find out and then what do I do?  So I texted Andrew, and I e-mailed him, but Oliver really wanted to play in his room so I finally came up with an idea...

How I check for rattle snakes.

Protected by snow boots (not sure how much they actually would have protected me), and armed with the broom, I went and peeked, and poked and searched, and listened until I was 100% sure that there was NOT a rattle snake in his room.  I probably looked ridiculous, but what if there had been a snake and I'd not been safe about checking or hadn't checked at all?  I'll take being ridiculous over being sorry any day.

A few more random thoughts...

It's not as hard to resist Facebook for Lent as I thought it would be.  It's almost relaxing. That said, I do miss it a little for sharing things that make me happy, or sharing light-bulb moments, or other similar things.  So, I thought I'd just get them out of my system by putting them here for now.

1. I've gotten addicted to cookies so I'm giving up sweets in all forms for the rest of Lent just to get rid of this feeling that I need them.  In the past when I've not eaten sweets for a while I find I don't really want all that sugar so I'm just going to give it up and by the end of Lent I shouldn't feel that need for sugar like I do now.  Seriously, it got bad, I'd bake a batch of cookies (about 3-4 dozen) and they'd be gone in two days with me eating most of them.  So no more sweets.  Also, the reason I chose to "do it for Lent" is because I need a goal, a challenge, otherwise I'll slip up.

2.  Being a mother of a daughter changes you so much. Children in general change you because you see all your sins in them and are so often convicted of your own sin as you watch them struggle with their sin.  However, being a mother of a daughter has changed me even more.  I started asking myself "am I the kind of woman I want my daughter to become?" and the answer was "no, not even"... it did also lead me to ask the question "am I the kind of woman I want my son to marry?" and the answer was also no, but the point is I hadn't even thought to ask those questions until I had Wynter.  I'd encourage women to ask themselves that... even before they have children, "are you the kind of woman you want your son to marry or your daughter to become?"  It's pretty life changing.  Where you once thought you were decent, and "better than some" you find you do not meet the standard you'd set for them at all.  The second thing you'll need to realize is that you cannot be that woman.  God can change you into that woman, but you can't get there on your own so don't try, you'll just be discouraged.  The first thing to do is get on your knees in prayer that God will continue to refine you, transform you, change you into a woman of God.

3.  At church we're going through a series titled Weird (because normal isn't working).  It's also making me realize how much I need God to work in me and transform me to be more like Him, and how much I want that.  I'm used to being the girl that blends in, that isn't really noticed in a crowd, that doesn't cause waves, or stand out, and I have purposefully been that girl because I want to be normal.  But normal doesn't work, normal doesn't display Christ to others, normal doesn't shout the gospel... so I'm learning to like weird, and want to be weird for Christ, weird in a good way.  I want to stand out for Christ, not to draw attention to myself but point heavenward to God.

And that's all I have time for today.  Normally I'd share this on Facebook, but not this time so maybe no one will see it until after Lent is up, but I wanted to record these thoughts somewhere for myself at least.

What's going on...?

It's been a while since my last post so let me tell you what's going on...

Why I haven't been blogging:

Firstly I started a few different posts but as I got deeper into them I would find that I wasn't sure my theology backing what I was saying was 100% correct so those posts are saved for future renovation, continued thought, and publishing soon.  Since it takes me a while to construct a post, writing these drafts have each taken the segment of time I'd set aside for blogging.  This means that each time I got a bit of time I'd start writing a post, get stuck, set it aside and realize I didn't have time to write anything else that I could post right away.

Secondly, my laptop broke which made it harder to find time to write since I now have to sit at the desktop to write anything.  I am getting a new one courtesy of Best Buy and the wonderful guarantee we paid for, but the one we are getting costs a little more than the last one so we're saving up the rest before purchasing it.  This means it may be a while more before I can finish a draft, or write a new blog post that has more depth to it than just "here's what is going on in my life".

Something new:

(One other reason I haven't had time is currently seeking to be fed so I'll have to make this part super duper quick.)

1.  Lent- I'm going to be participating in Lent this year, giving up Facebook for 40 days starting Wednesday in order to dedicate that time to God.

2.  Wynter and I finally got breastfeeding figured out!

3.  Submitted taxes today so we will be buying a new car soon!

And now Wynter really wants to be fed so it's time for me to go...

Woah!

There is a ton of new ideas, revelations, and information zooming around in my head right now.  It's been like a day and a half of having my eyes opened wide, my heart opened too, and sooooo much to think about and/or change, pray about... so much.  My thoughts are very jumbled right now so I'm just going to give some bullet points and a few links and over the next few weeks I'm going to try and do some more in depth posts on everything I learned yesterday and today.

• Marriage is a partnership.  You are not enemies working against each other, but friends working to help and serve each other.  Yeah, that seems pretty simple... I've read that and heard that idea several times over the past few weeks but until you really examine the nitty-grittiness of your life and how you interact and communicate in your worst states you can't really say for sure whether you really believe that statement.  The best way to tell is this way: when you disagree on something you feel is important, do you seek ammo to shoot at him with the purpose of winning the argument?  Do you appeal to your friends for support (giving them your un-biased point of view) and then use them as an army to fight for your side?  In that moment, or that area of life you are seeing him as your enemy.  Instead, when you see him as your friend, you'll ask him to come along side you to resolve the issue.  You'll work together to find a solution.
• Housework is never going to be 100% finished and it isn't supposed to be.  Do you feel that weight lifting off your shoulders?  Yeah, it feels good.  Of course this doesn't mean that we neglect the housework, but we shouldn't feel discouraged or frustrated that we don't ever have everything done all at the same time, all the time.  We are never supposed to be done with housework.  I learned this from Rachel Jankovic.
• When we have nothing left, even our reservoir is empty, God will give us what we need.  He's proven that time and time in scripture.  Go here to find out more (same video linked under Rachel's name above).
• Disciplining a child does not necessarily mean you need to be stern with a frown and furrowed brow showing your displeasure.  Discipline should always demonstrate love, not anger, frustration, disappointment... it should model how God disciplines us, his children.  This is huge for me because I was under the impression that if my children were being disciplined they also needed to know that I'm unhappy with them.  You don't want to let them walk all over you, consistency is still key, but discipline isn't about instilling fear of man it's about showing that you love them enough to guide them to God.  Discipline should always point them to God as a loving Father.
• Discipline does not always equal punishment.  Often it simply equals correction. 
• Andrew most always means exactly what he says.  "Can you work on the kitchen?" doesn't mean "You are failing at your job." or "I want this kitchen spotless when I get home." or "I am sick and tired of this mess." it actually just means "can you work on the kitchen?"  When I read into what he says I'm often feeding myself the lie that Andrew is dissatisfied with me or some other lie and I make him my enemy instead of seeing him as a friend who has graciously not complained about the dishes overflowing the sink and counters.

There's more, but that's a good list for now!  I have so much to say about each of those topics, but it'll have to wait for a time when my thoughts are better organized and my eyelids aren't randomly closing.

Weariness

The past 2+ weeks have been wearisome.  They've been trying and physically tiring, but more than that they've been wearing.  The weekdays are difficult for sure, but the weekends are worse.  We, Andrew and I, expect the weekends to be a time of getting things done, spending time together, and relaxing.  Instead our weekend days blur into one seemingly short day filled with each of us taking turns sleeping, or caring for one kid or the other, cooking or cleaning, etc.  We spend our weekends working side by side instead of enjoying one another face to face ("side by side" and "face to face" are concepts I grabbed from Real Marriage by Mark and Grace Driscoll).  This wears on me, and on our relationship.

I find that the lack of face to face time for Andrew and I, as well as the stress that outside situations put on me, have drained me of joy in every day life.  Yesterday I was inconsolably sad.  Andrew always feels helpless and frustrated when I am sad and he can't figure out why or figure out how to make me happy.  I told him that between Oliver being sick, and Wynter being extraordinarily fussy, and us not having any time alone together, I feel drained.  I said that I am not enjoying Wynter like I want to because it seems as though the only time I get with her is when I'm feeding her or she's fussing, and the same with Oliver.  I told him that I am not enjoying our children, and since we have very little time together I have almost no opportunities to enjoy him, and there is very little in life that I am finding any joy in.

The man declares, I am weary, O God; I am weary, O God, and worn out.

Proverbs 30:1

That could be words directly from my own mouth right now.  I am weary and worn out, completely drained.

I am just struggling along some days.

Today I was just blasted with messages from God.  One of them spoke to this exactly and was so encouraging.  I went over to the girltalk blog with the purpose of looking at the store section.  There are some wall hangings I'd like to get... two actually.  Instead I noticed a new blog post entitled "When Life is Hard" written by Carolyn Mahaney.  Well, life is hard for me right now so I was interested in what she had to say. WOW.  I pretty much was speechless for a long time. I read it more than once, maybe 3 or 4 times.  I went and read the scriptures quoted.  I was in awe of how perfectly every word seemed like God talking directly to me.  And I walked away with the reminder that though life is hard right now I have hope in Christ, hope for a better future, even if that isn't until I get to heaven.  And honestly my struggles are nothing compared to some, but they are struggles.  I needed them to be acknowledged as reality and then given hope and that is exactly what God did through Carolyn's blog post.  I encourage you to go read it.  Then bookmark it for when you need it, because you will need that reminder.

I am weary, but I have a hope that carries me on.

Sex, Marriage, & Fairytales

Things you should know...

After giving birth to our first born, Oliver, I wrote a comical little list titled Things they should tell you when/before you get pregnant.  I'm working on another list now that Wynter is born, but thought I'd share this one in the mean time.  Enjoy! Laugh!  It's meant to be comically true!

Things they should tell you when/before you get pregnant:

1. That no matter what you think labor will be like, it won't and you'll hate it and wish that you'd never gotten pregnant (at least until you hold your baby, then all memories of how painful it was will pass).
2. Labor and delivery are so traumatizing to your body that when all is done you will shake like nobodies business and feel extremely cold.
3. Again, after it is all done you'll forget how hard and awful it was and all you'll be able to think about is how precious your baby is and how happy you are now.
4. Nursing is very difficult. Baby has to learn as well as you how to do it and it can be very frustrating for both of you and may end in tears on both ends as well.
5. No matter how healthy your baby is you will constantly be checking on him/her while he/she is sleeping to make sure your baby is still alive.
6. No matter how much you think you'll love the time to relax and take it easy for the first few weeks after baby is born, you will end up feeling like you have no time/energy to get things done and you will feel discouraged that your kitchen is a mess, or your floor needs vacuuming, etc.
7. You will NOT want daddy to go back to work and it may cause or add to a bout of depression when he does.
8. Everything that seems out of the ordinary will freak you out and cause you to call grandma in the middle of the night for advice on whether to call the doctor. Then in the morning you will call the doctor, still very worried, and find out that there is nothing to worry about.
9. Your appetite will not be what it was when baby was in your womb, but if you are breastfeeding then you will still need to eat regularly and very healthy.
10. You may think that it will be okay that baby wakes up lots during the night because daddy can help with that... the truth is that (if you are breastfeeding) he can't help and so there is no reason for him to get up and you may feel jealous of all the sleep he is getting.
11. The breast pump is a breastfeeding mother's best friend! Buy one! Rent one! or borrow one from a friend! You will not regret it!
12. Pitocin absolutely sucks! Do everything you can to avoid it. It will make your contractions extra painful.
13. As much as you may be tempted to drink castor oil in order to induce labor, don't do it! You will hate yourself later. It is a very very bad idea. Yes it works, but there is a price to pay and it isn't pleasant.

There are many other things that I am sure I will add later, but I can't think of them right now. Honestly, the thing that is most important out of all of these is this:

Breastfeeding is difficult. It can and most likely will be very frustrating. You will want to give up. You will feel like a failure when you can't get your baby to latch on and nurse. You might be up with your baby for 2+ hours just trying to get him to nurse and finally your baby will be exhausted and fall back to sleep and you will feel horrible that your baby is hungry but there seems to be nothing you can do about it. You may turn to a breast pump for help and then feel even more like a failure for giving up so easily. It will drain you emotionally and physically, especially if you really want to breastfeed. If you expect it to be easy, you will be devastated when it isn't. However, when your baby finally does latch on and nurses till he/she is full there is no greater joy and relief than to see how content he/she is.

Some comical notes on this: 

I did try castor oil again, ignoring my own advice.  I won't ever try it again.  It didn't work this time.

The shaking I had last time was most likely due to the pitocin I had in my system, not my body going into shock. I didn't have pitocin this time and did not end up shaking or feeling so cold.

The breast pump is still, in my opinion, a mothers best friend.  But I will also add that it can become your worst enemy too.  Either you will love it because it is helpful, or you will hate it because it is time consuming and annoying.