"no school equal to a decent home..."

Source: TopMastersInEducation.com

With the Good Comes the Bad

I am so very pleased that Oliver's communication has blossomed, seemingly overnight!  He's answering questions to the best of his ability, requesting things, and even asking for help. I love it!  Our first real conversation occurred Wednesday while playing outside.  I was talking with our neighbor about my camera, and Oliver comes up to me and pats my leg requesting attention.  I turned to him and the following is as close to what was actually said as I can remember:

Me: Yes?
Oliver: Help please.
Me: You need help? What do you need help with?
Oliver: Bicycle.
Me: You need help getting your tricycle?
Oliver: (nodding his head) Uh huh.

I was ecstatic!  If I hadn't been in front of a stranger I would have shouted for joy, maybe even danced!  It was a beautiful moment. 

However, (and I'm told this is perfectly normal, though difficult to deal with) we're seeing some behaviors that either weren't there before or are increasing in intensity.  Do you know what "stimming" is?  It's also called perseverating.

Perseverating: present participle of

perseverate

Verb

Repeat or prolong an action, thought, or utterance after the stimulus that prompted it has ceased.

Oliver perseverates both verbally and physically.  A verbal perseveration might be repeating a question or phrase over and over, to the point where it is no longer a response to an occurrence.

For example: Oliver stands on the couch and jumps off, and I exclaim, "Oh my!".  Oliver then repeats my exclamation.  Repeating that sort of exclamation once or twice is him learning language and communication by imitatating me.  Repeating it 5+ times becomes Oliver perseverating.  He might like the sound of the words, or the feel of saying them, I rarely know why something turns into a repetative action or verbalization.

An example of physical perseveration is when Oliver takes his hand and begins to tap it against his mouth.  He also will hit his stomach or chest repeatedly, or literally bounce himself off walls, or spin in circles, or hit his head with both hands in a frantic motion.  These actions seem to be more in response to an overwhelming of his senses.  Some are done in frustration, but others start as a simply enjoyable act and turn into a source of frustration, like the tapping of his mouth while saying "aaaaaaahhhh".  It begins as a pleasurable action because he likes the sound and/or feel, but quickly derails into a frantic and obviously upsetting ordeal.

So, back on track, while Oliver's language is developing beautifully and I am so happy every time we hold a little conversation, a little bad has come with the good. Two steps forward, one step back.

Side note: While I don't think that all perseverating is bad, there seems to have been a dramatic increase in the "self harm" variety.  He's not truly harming himself, but hitting himself would be classified as such.  Our response to such stimming is to redirect him to hit a pillow, or to attempt to calm him using soothing words and touch.

God's Amazing Gift to Mothers

God will not give me more than He can handle.

I remember my pregnancy with Oliver.  I was tired all the time. I had morning sickness the first trimester, but it wasn't terrible. I remember thinking that morning sickness puking and being sick puking were vastly different.  The morning sickness was just a nuisance that I wanted to get over first thing in the morning and then move on with my day.  After the first trimester I only got sick a few times.  I remember thinking that I had an easy pregnancy, it was, at least, easier than I had expected it to be.

Then he was born, and while many people exclaimed that I had such an easy baby, and I tended to agree with them, there were many moments that were not easy at all.  I remember that I struggled to keep the house clean, and food made.  I was still tired all the time, even if all we did was sit around all day together.  Focusing on another's needs 24/7 is exhausting. 

Life got a little easier around the time he turned 1, but we were already pregnant with Wynter by then.  The exhaustion of early pregnancy set in again, the morning sickness with Wynter was much more like all day nausea.  Yet, I felt more energetic and on top of things than I had while pregnant with Oliver.  The end of that second pregnancy got bad as I developed Symphysis Pubic Dysfunction and it hurt to stand, move certain ways, or even walk sometimes.  Not just hurt, but pain to the point of my knees buckling under me.  I also began to fear that Oliver would feel unloved once my attention had to be split between 2 children, especially since he wasn't talking at this point and we weren't sure how much he understood what we said.

When Wynter was born... well, an amazing thing happened.  God gave me extra love, extra strength, extra everything I needed to faithfully serve him by tending to these two wonderful children.  I definitely still struggle most days to find the energy and patience to deal with life, but I can end a day having done nothing but feed my children and play with them and I know I've pleased God.

God has increased my strength even as life has gotten more complicated with Oliver's diagnosis.  He's increased patience, understanding, grace, strength, and anything I need in order to serve my family.  He's given me wisdom to make choices, and to seek help when needed.  He's not failed me in this yet, and I know He never will.

Someday, not now, but someday soon we want more children.  I can't wait!  I don't fear that I won't have enough to give because I've seen how God gives more to me so that I can give more to my children.  God has not failed me yet, and I know He won't fail me ever.  When our family multiplies God will not fail to give me everything I need to give to my family, even if some days that is nothing more than my attention and love.

The Homeschooling Choice: Part 3

Reason #4

Flexibility.  

While I believe that a routine, and a consistent schedule are helpful for Oliver, there are days where the needs of the day require a change in routine.  Sometimes those needs are Oliver's own needs.  For example, today he was ready to start school an hour earlier than we started all last week.  While I did stretch his patience a little, we ended up starting at 8:20am instead of 9am.

There will be days where I am sick and just cannot go anywhere or do anything; days where Wynter is needier than usual, or fussier, and the school day can be adjusted for that.  These are things we'd have to push through if Oliver was in public school, but at home we can assess the day and plan accordingly.

We also have the option of doing fun outings while other kids are in school.  Trips to the zoo, or the park, or the Children's Museum, are all easier to do when they are less crowded during the week.

Reason #5

The joy of watching my children learn and grow.

Just today Wynter strung beads on pipe cleaner with Oliver and I.  I didn't know she could do that, and I might not have given her the task if I hadn't first given it to Oliver.  Then, a bit later, Oliver and I were focused on some workbook tasks, the idea is for me to tell him what to color with a crayon and he is to follow the direction and correctly identify what I've asked him to.  Normally he'll scribble lightly on the picture or letter or number, but today, out of nowhere, he circled every item I asked him to identify.  If I was not the one teaching him I may not have had the joy of being the first one to witness this. 

Motherhood (with little children) Reality:

There's this fantasy that I had before kids, even before getting married, about what it would be like to be a wife and a mother.  I imagined that I would have a tidy and clean home every day; I would cook elaborate meals that were well balanced and on the table for my husband when he walked in the door every evening; I would be able to spend time getting ready for each day, taking a shower, doing my hair, putting on make-up, and dressing in well chosen outfits.  This fantasy showed me smiling all the time, with children and a happy husband, and a picture perfect life.  I don't know why I bought into this fantasy when it's common knowledge that real life is nothing like that, but I did.  I was sorely disappointed.

Real life with small children (because that's all the experience I have so far) is messy, dirty, smelly, and full of quickly thrown together meals.  It's got as many tears and unhappy faces as it does smiling, happy faces.  I haven't dressed in anything other than jeans and a t-shirt for a very long time, and I can't guarantee that every single day has me wearing clean clothes, or any clothes for that matter (as I write this post I sit at the computer in a tank top and undies).  This week we ate McDonalds for dinner twice, and not because we wanted to.

This is pretty close to my reality, minus 3 children and the pregnant belly.

I don't know if I just didn't listen to the mother's around me, or if it's true that no one warned me that motherhood was not a pretty, peaceful, blissful experience.  Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being a mom. I adore my kids. I wouldn't trade this experience of motherhood for anything in the world, but it is HARD!  I didn't know that babies and young children require so much time and energy that just the prospect of trying to clean a home and cook 3 healthy meals each day would make me want to die (not literally).  I didn't know that breastfeeding would hurt, or that it would be so very hard.  I didn't know that the first several months of a babies life meant close to 0 sleep for mom.  I still don't know how it's possible to survive with such little sleep, but I did it. Twice. Somehow.  I didn't know that a shower would be a weekend luxury, or that I'd want to shave my head so that I wouldn't have to worry about my hair.  I guarantee that no one told me about car seat struggles and how sweaty you can get from trying to force your kid into one. I just didn't know what it would be like.

The above pictures... that is my reality.  Those are real pictures of my home.  Those kitchen sink pictures, they don't even include the dishes piled on the counters and stove top, nor do they show the fact that the kitchen had been quickly building up to that sort of mess for a full week.  The pictures of the living room, those messes were made within the course of a few hours.  My kids wake up at 6am most days, by 9am the house can look like that.  If I try to pick it up at some point during the day, it gets destroyed again within minutes.  Our bathroom is gated off, and the amount of time actually spent in the bathroom is miniscule, which means that although it can quickly get messy, it might not get cleaned more than once every 2 weeks.  No joke. I'm not really proud of that, and I'd like to be better about it, but that is our current reality. 

I know there are moms out there, new moms, who don't understand why they can't seem to keep their house clean, or cook a meal that is more than one dish (casseroles and stews are my friends).  Maybe you feel like you're failing at this mom thing.  I know that I have cried over these feelings and thoughts many times.  I've even thought that my husband deserves someone better than me, someone who can be a better wife and mother than I.  I want to tell you right now, you have to let go of that fantasy. It's not real.  That fantasy is based on a snapshot of someone else's life.  A snapshot.  I could take a million photos of our clean house, and our well dressed children, but those are literally seconds from our life and they tell a fraction of the story.  I could take many, many more photos of mussed up children running around in nothing but a diaper, a messy house, and me in the background looking tired, messy, and frazzled.  Those pictures would tell you about 90% of the story. I don't know if it's shame over the supposed failure, or simply a desire to put a mask over reality, but it is hard to find moms who talk about real life in their home.  Even I like to brush over the mess most of the time.  However, being one of those new moms who felt like a total failure, and thought every other mom had it together, I want to share my life so that you can find comfort in the knowledge that you are not alone.  You are not a failure, I promise.

I want to end by recommending some books that helped me realize the truth:

Hope for the Weary Mom
Loving the Little Years
No More Perfect Moms

All of those books are written by Christian women who are honest and real about the struggles of motherhood.  I definitely recommend them.

Stay strong, busy and weary mom! 

The Homeschooling Choice: Part 2

Reason #3 

Homeschooling will allow me to give more time to Wynter than if I am running Oliver to and from school 4 days a week.  It allows the focus to be more on family, than putting Oliver as the center.

If Oliver was our only child, our choice might have been different.  However, he is not.  Wynter deserves as much love and attention as Oliver.  These early toddler years that she is in are crucial to her development.  I realize that for some there is not a choice, this is their reality because their circumstances require it.  We all do the best we can with what we have, and I imagine that the parents who do have to drive around this much with their kids have made choices that are best for their kids and their family.  What I mean to say is, if this is your reality, no guilt!  You are sacrificing a lot for your kids and I have the deepest respect for all parents who desire only to do what is best for their kids and their family.  I am thankful for the ability to make the choice we have.


Homeschooling is going to allow me to keep Wynter involved as much as possible.  I think that's best for our family right now.  I want to give the best to both my children as I love them equally, and we believe that homeschooling is the best way to do that.

The Homeschooling Choice: Part 1

I had this long, detailed, post planned out.  I meant to explain all our considerations, and the depth of thought that went into our choice, but as I was writing I felt less and less like I needed to explain our choice that much.  I decided it would be a lot less time consuming to just share a reason or two throughout several blog posts.

Reason #1:

At home Oliver can receive one on one attention that is tailored to him, in an environment that he is already familiar with and comfortable in, from a teacher (myself) that truly desires only the best for him.

That statement is fairly vague on purpose, it practically covers all of our reasons in one sentence.  If that one sentence above is true, there ought to be no question that homeschooling is best for Oliver right now. We believe it to be true, which is why we have no doubt that we've made the right decision.

Reason #2:

We have chosen for me to stay at home for a reason, to be with our children. I want to be the one they learn from in the early years, the one they look to for guidance.  I believe that they will gain confidence and independence as they grow older by knowing that they can find safety and comfort in their parents.  With Oliver at 3 years old, I don't feel comfortable handing off the main duty of his learning to someone I don't know, and is not as invested in his life and learning.

I'm so blessed to be able to stay at home with our kids, and I feel that Oliver's diagnosis does not negate my ability as his mother to provide the early learning that he needs, that any child needs.  Yes, his early learning needs to be very specific, but it's also my belief that not every child learns the same way and all learning ought to be as tailored to a child as possible.  I'm also thankful that I am able to learn how to teach Oliver by sitting in on his therapy sessions, and having honest discussions with his therapists.  I have learned so much from them!